olympics

This year's Olympics in Salt Lake City Utah were a complete success. In the most controversial decision in Olympics history, the International Olypmics Committee voted unanimously to combine the Special Olympics with the normal Olympics. "When somebody wins a gold medal, they should know that they are the best in the world. There shouldn't be some retard deglorifying your medal with his own gold medal." said committee chairperson Norman Gibson. "This year, we had the USA Olympics team face the Special Olympics team to see which ones were superior. The winning teams will be able to participate in next year's olympic games. Only one exception was made for the Special Olympic team...They were allowed to wear bigger helmets." These Olympic games had the highest attendance of college-aged kids out of any Olympics in history. The results are posted below.

In the figure skating competition, Sylvia "Special Ed" Tatterbaum went up against silver-medalist Nancy Kerrigan. Nancy Kerrigan took the ice first, and completed a very successful routine including three triple loops, a double swammi, and a Hot Jesus curl.
Sylvia's performance was not so impressive. She did however, try out some new moves. Most of her inventive maneuvers consisted of sliding on the ice either face up or face down. The best move that Tatterbaum performed was the "accidental splits" maneuver when she tried to stand up. Kerrigan won with a 9.8 score. Sylvia only received a 0.7

Records were shattered in the speed skating competition. Dan Jansen broke his own record of 36 seconds with an astonishing run of 32 seconds to take the Gold Medal. Meanwhile, Tammy Beltsend broke another record by falling down an amazing 437 times in her two hour run. "I just went out there and gave it all I had to beat my competition." said Jansen. Beltsend also commented, "I make fall down good candy time with broken sugar pudding."

Special Olympic veteran and four time Special Gold Medalist Corky Alfonse made his return to the track this year against Gold Medalist Michael Johnson. The race was neck and neck for the whole first second. Then, Johnson broke ahead of Alfonse. As the two rounded the corner, Johnson took a demanding lead when Alfonse saw his mother in the audience and started drooling heavily as he stopped on the track to wave to her. 10 seconds later, his mother convinced Alfonse to stop waving and return to the race. As he joined Johnson on the first turn, Johnson slipped in some of Alfonse's drool, but regained his composure to beat Alfonse by over a minute. Johnson paraded himself happily around the track while Alfonse crossed the finish line. Corky mistakingly thought that the crowd was cheering for him, and he began hugging everybody in site.

Gold Medalist Picabo Street faced eight-time special olympian Corky Sherwood (why do parents of mongoloids always name their kids Corky?) in the downhill slalom competition. Picabo Street had one of the worst runs of her career, as she fell down in the fourth turn and finished late. But finishing was all she had to do to beat Corky Sherwood who ran into a cameraman and three trees during his run, an interesting feat, considering the course is cleared of all trees within 2 miles. Corky was unable to cross the finish line because when he hit his third tree, he ran aimlessly into the woods. Authorities were able to track him down seven hours later in a parking lot outside of a local Wal-Mart.

Cycling world champion Lance Armstrong has finally met his match in Raymond Alfonse, whose brother Corky failed to win the 200 meter race with Michael Johnson. Raymond took Armstrong to school on the tracks. People in the crowd were saying that Armstrong's problem was that his body has a limit. Raymond's body doesn't have the intelligence level to know limits. Raymond beat Armstrong by more than 13 seconds. Just to show his level of endurance (intelligence), Raymond sprinted three laps around the track after finishing his run, where he collapsed at the finish line. Congratulations Raymond Alfonse, you are the only member of Special Team USA, who will join the real Team USA at next year's olympic games.