olympics2

The opening ceremonies of the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics were a success with a few minor setbacks. The first setback was a result of local Mormons Donny and Marie Osmond being granted access to the stadium. "They sure Mormoned up the place with their 'No Soda' rule and excess of baby- making." said one observer. The all-Mormon crowd seemed to appreciate Donny and Marie Osmond engaging in the Mormon french-kissing ritual with each other throughout the whole three hour Opening Ceremony procession. The lighting of

the Olympic flame was a crowd favorite. The creator of Mormonism, Brigham Young himself did the honor of lighting the flame. In his opening speech, Young said, "We will all come together as a melting pot of many different forms of white people with many babies. In these times, it is important that we have

these celebrations in which we don't give in to the demons of the Devil by engaging in sexual activity, watching R-rated movies, or drinking the Devil's Coca-Cola." The second major setback came when Canada was informed that they would not

be allowed to participate in the Olympic games because Alex Trebek failed to pass his drug test and also because they are not a real country. When Canada's athletes were informed live on National TV, they began yelling in French or whatever language they speak. Canadian speed skater Celine Dion responded, "Blah Blah French Blah Blah Canada." One of the biggest concerns leading up to the Olympics was the security matter. Athletes, Fans, and Mormons were all concerned that Salt Lake

City would not be the safest place to host the Olympics after the events of September 11th in which an argument broke out between Utah Governors. When asked about security in the area, Brigham Young assured that the Mormon Tabernacle Choir would be enforcing security in all arenas and Mexicans would not be allowed in the state throughout the whole month of February. Some fans do not appreciate some of the newest Olympic sports. Curling, Snowboarding, and Gundam building are among the most debated sports. "You shouldn't be able to win a bonafide gold medal for building a Gundam. I'm sure it takes some skill, but I mean, C'mon...seriously. I am bonafide!" claimed one of the concerned fans.

"Oh my God!!! Is that Donny and Marie Osmond!!! If it is, you can forget the torch, because I'll be on fire!!!" claims Morgan Aldman, one overly-eager Mormon.