|
Disclaimer: I do NOT know nor
have I ever met any member of *NSYNC. They are their own person and, well, I
don't particularly want to know them. Shoots down all those preconceived
notions, you know. Anyway, I mean no offense to any person mentioned in my
stories. I hold the deepest respect for who they are and what they do. So in
other words: read, have fun, make merry, and remember that these stories are FICTION and, therefore, NOT real. |
Human Touch
It was a Chris day, Lance thought as he bounded excitedly up his front steps. He had the whole day in front of him and so much energy he felt he might burst at the seems. It flowed through his body like electricity leaving him unable to sit still. A smile flitted across his face as he realized he was definitely in the mood to finish his water pond project.
At the top of the steps, Lance stopped to survey his domain. He took in a deep, cleansing breath, closed his eyes, and slowly turned around. The bright sunlight painted dancing shades of red on his closed eyelids as birds chirped merrily in the trees. Exhaling his pent up breath slowly, Lance opened his eyes and took in the beauty and serenity of his home.
The lush, southern Mississippi vegetation provided a natural cover for the ten-foot security fence surrounding his modest five-acre piece of land. The brick and wrought iron walls could only be seen in brief glimpses through the thick growth of trees and shrubbery except at the front gate where the trees and underbrush had been cleared away to make a path for driving.
Closer to the house, huge live oak trees dotted the neatly manicured lawn, each one draped majestically with Spanish moss and offering shaded areas perfect for sitting and reading a book or having a romantic picnic. The house itself was a cobbled mixture of wood and brick reminiscent of large plantation homes in the area with its wraparound verandah on the first and second floors.
The whole atmosphere around his home reverberated with a feeling of isolated security. It was almost as if the world beyond the brick and iron of the fence didn’t exist. Contentment whispered through Lance’s veins. The day was beautiful and his life reflected that beauty.
His FreeLance work had only taken an hour or so early that morning. The landscape architect he had hired to design his back garden had delivered everything he would need for his pond project shortly after eight. Not a single soul had recognized him when he had gone to the grocery store and no fans had been hanging around the front gate when he returned. It was just him and the owner of the silver Mercedes parked next to his 4Runner.
Yep, Lance thought as he felt energy pulsing through his body, it’s definitely a Chris day. With a shake of his head, he turned around and bounded into the house looking for Justin. He would not waste his rare burst of super energy sitting in the house with a moping Justin. And he wouldn’t let Justin waste the day away either. He had been at Lance’s house for two days now and had only left his room for meals.
No more. Lance didn’t get chances to spend quality alone time with Justin often and he decided he would get Justin out of his room and outside if it killed him. Hopefully some sun and good company would pull him out of the funk he seemed to be in.
A grin crossed Lance’s face as he loped up the stairs taking them two at a time. If building a water pond with him didn’t improve Justin’s mood, he would talk him into playing paint ball or, heaven forbid, basketball. Maybe letting Justin pound him at one of those sports would drag him out of his funk.
Or,
a nagging voice in his head reminded him, maybe just being with you will
improve his mood. This could be the day he realizes you love him and that he
loves you.
Lance sighed happily at the thought. Maybe his little voice would be right this time.
The second floor was almost eerily quiet as he practically skipped down the hall in his eagerness. Of course it’s quiet, you igit! This is Justin you’re talking about. Justin, who was always loud and proud until you took him out of the public eye. Once the public disappeared so did his volume. He completely metamorphosized into a quiet, almost withdrawn young man. That, however, didn’t make him any less captivating Lance thought ruefully. But, all that aside, it was only ten-thirty in the morning. Chances were good Justin was still peacefully dreaming away in bed.
Too bad, Lance told himself as he slid to a stop on the hardwood floors outside Justin’s room. The Bass wake-up call had arrived! “Justin!” he yelled at the top of his lungs as he threw the door open. “Get up! I refuse to let you hibernate in this room all day so get your ass in gear and come help me with my pond.”
When the expected grumbles didn’t come from the bed, Lance dropped his hand from the doorknob and moved further into the darkened room. “Come on, man. I’m not gonna let you mope for a third day.” The darkness of the room proved to be a sharp contrast to the bright sunlight outside and Lance found he had a hard time seeing. He tried to peer around the room but the dim glow of sunlight around the tightly drawn drapes was all he could make out.
“Justin?” Lance fumbled with the light switch as he waited for an answer. He swore softly when the light didn’t respond to his flipping of the switch. He flipped it up and down a couple more times before cautiously edging further into the room. “Justin? You in here?” Vaguely Lance remembered that there was a lamp in the sitting area in front of the fireplace directly down from the foot of the massive four poster bed he had had installed in this room.
When he again received no answer, Lance began to worry. A myriad of thoughts swept through his mind as he made his way slowly across the room in the direction he thought the lamp was in. Maybe he’s just sleeping really hard. Maybe he’s ignoring you. He might not even be in here. He could be in the bathroom and didn’t hear you. That was the wrong direction for his thoughts to take.
Immediately fear clutched at his stomach. Worst-case scenarios popped into his brain. What if he’s hurt in the bathroom and can’t call out? What if he slipped in the shower and is unconscious? Lance began to panic as he bumped into one of the chairs in the sitting area. He felt along the back making his way to the table he knew to be in between this chair and the other one. What if Justin’s mopping was more than just a case of melancholy? What if he was suicidal? Oh, God!
Lance’s thigh connected roughly with the corner of the table and his unsteady hands automatically reached to steady the lamp before it could fall. He hesitated a moment before running his shaking hand down to the base looking for the switch. He was afraid of what he would find once the light came on.
Just as he started to twist the knob, a voice came out of the dark.
“Don’t.”
Justin’s voice came from the vicinity of the other chair and Lance felt the breath he hadn’t even been aware he was holding slowly rush out of his lungs. “Justin?”
“Don’t turn on the light, Lance.” There was a small pause. “Please.”
Lance could feel his muscles relaxing. Slowly he eased around and dropped into the chair he had held onto earlier. “Justin, are you okay?” Now that he knew Justin wasn’t lying in the bathroom dead, his heart rate began to return to normal and his curiosity reared its head. “Why are you sitting in the dark?”
Lance strained waiting for Justin’s answer. Maybe he would finally tell him what was wrong, tell him why he had stayed holed up in his room for two days. As much as Lance loved Justin, he didn’t always understand the younger man’s moods. But he wanted to. Desperately.
“Justin?” his voice came out sounding more impatient than he had intended.
Instead of answering his question, Justin posed one of his own.
“Don’t they bother you, Lance?”
Lance couldn’t see Justin in the dim room but he could tell from the sound of his voice that his head was cocked questioningly to the side pondering something only he knew. “Justin,” he reiterated, “why are you sitting the dark?”
“Answer the question, Lance. Do they?”
“Doesn’t what bother me?”
“The hands. They’re always there. Grasping, groping, taking little pieces of you away.”
“Justin, are you okay?” Lance knew his voice was sharper than he’d intended but Justin was scaring him. His voice was almost… detached.
“Did I ever tell you I stopped touching people?” Justin continued. “I don’t initiate contact. I can’t bear to reach out.”
Lance’s eyes were beginning to adjust enough for him to see Justin. He looked haggard. Curly locks stood up in disarray all over his head. His t-shirt, which Lance realized he’d had on the few times he had seen him the past two days, hung limply on his slender frame. And Lance wasn’t sure it was his imagination that Justin looked gaunt.
“What are you talking about?”
Justin continued as if he’d never even spoken. “Everything I do is for the camera or whoever may be watching. That’s the only time I touch.”
Silently Lance slid to the edge of his seat and leaned closer to Justin. He wasn’t sure what this was all about but it seemed to be troubling Justin a great deal. And that meant it troubled him.
Cautiously he placed a hand on Justin’s knee. When Justin didn’t flinch away, Lance let out a breath. Maybe the first battle was won. “How do you mean you do everything for the camera.” A plea entered his voice. “I don’t understand. What is it that’s bothering you?”
“Hands, Lance,” Justin whispered. “They’re everywhere.”
Lance watched as he slowly turned his own over, looking at them like they were foreign objects. He honestly didn’t know what to say to what Justin was telling him so he kept his mouth shut and listened.
All Justin’s attention stayed focused on his hands as he continued his tale. “Someone always wants a piece of us. Even if it’s only the memory of a touch. An anonymous producer or promoter or executive will put his arm around us or pat us on the back pretending to be our best friend. But do you know what they want, Lance?” Justin questioned as he stopped looking at his own hands and started tracing small designs on the back of Lance’s hand resting on his knee.
Tingles of electricity raced up Lance’s arm. Justin was so close and it would be so easy to take him into his arms. With a monumental effort, Lance focused his attention on what Justin was saying.
“All they really want is to be next to us. Next to the stars who can boost their careers. And the fans,” he scoffed. “They want a piece of us to take home and show to their friends or put in a box and bring out when they feel like their dull little lives have no meaning.”
“Justin,” Lance breathed. He captured Justin’s hand. He could see Justin clearly now in the darkened room. More importantly, he could see the soul deep pain reflected so clearly in his eyes.
“It’s true. The fans. Our friends. God, Lance!” Justin jerked his hand out of Lance’s and ran it through his hair. It startled Lance to see the strong hands he so admired trembling. “Even our friends are only around so long as there are no clouds in sky. They sling an arm around us and jokingly brag about how they know the real us and no one would believe them if they told what we were really like.”
Justin’s shoulders slumped and he seemed to diminish right before Lance’s eyes.
“They hold our hands and touch our arms or clasp our shoulders but it’s all impersonal.” Justin’s voice turned pleading. “Don’t you see? They don’t mean anything by it. There’s no real emotion behind the gestures. Touching,” he sighed. “It’s just another way to get close to something they’re not.”
“Why are saying this? You don’t believe that.” He couldn’t believe it. The fans and his friends meant the world to Justin.
“Yes, I do!” Justin said angrily. For the first time since Lance entered the room, their eyes met. Lance was taken aback at the raw emotion he saw. “Even our families only see us as objects to hold and look at and show off. Didn’t you notice how suddenly you became the favorite nephew or cousin or grandchild or son?” he shrugged petulantly.
“The people you love… they stand there and touch you and tell you how much you mean to them, how proud they are of you. They put an arm around your shoulder or hold your arm as they tell the rest of the family you got the talent from them or they brag about how you’ve stayed the same when so much is changing around you while inside you feel like you’ve gone insane. They reach out to you and try to pull you into their lives.”
For a few moments they sat in silence. Lance didn’t dare open his mouth. He didn’t know what to say. How could he know what to say to Justin’s impassioned speech? Justin’s anger and depth of emotion overwhelmed him.
Finally Justin sighed and went back to tracing patterns on Lance’s hand. His voice sounded defeated. “I never wanted anyone to have to feel the loneliness inside that comes from being surrounded by people that love the idea of you and not the you on the inside. So I stopped touching people.”
As if to belie his words, Justin grasped Lance’s hand and squeezed tightly. When he leaned forward their noses were only centimeters apart. Lance could not mistake the defensiveness or pain he saw.
“All the insincere touches hurt more than any physical pain. I decided I would never be that cruel again. Never inflict that kind of torment. And I haven’t. I haven’t voluntarily touched anyone in years. I’ve protected myself from the pain.” He took a shuddering breath. “I kept the loneliness at bay by telling myself that as long as I didn’t touch anyone they couldn’t touch my heart. I would not be weak. And it worked.” He looked down at their clasped hands. “It worked until last week when everything changed.”
Lance felt his throat close with emotion. How could he have been so blind to? The little voice in the back of his mind reminded him that Justin had felt this way for years and that over time it had become a part of who he was. Still, Lance felt a lone tear trace down his cheek, he should have realized a long time ago something was wrong. How could he truthfully tell himself he loved Justin when he had missed the pain and Justin’s subsequent withdrawal?
For a moment he tried to think about what they had done in the last week. Nothing stood out. It had been another mind-numbingly hectic week just like the one before, the only difference being that at the end they had vacation time coming. Still something about it had affected Justin, and Lance desperately wanted to know what it was. Even if it took all of his money and everything in him, he would recreate the event just so Justin would be happy.
His words came slowly, and he drew them out cautiously. “What happened last week, Justin? What changed?”
Silence stretched across the room, thick and heavy. It was not one of the comfortable silences the two often shared. Tension and confusion filled this one until Lance was sure it was thick enough to cut with a knife. Peering at Justin’s bowed head, he would have given his right arm to be able to look into Justin’s expressive, blue eye. Maybe then he would have some clue as to what to do.
Minutes passed as Lance waited for Justin to answer his question and continue with his story. As with most things, waiting was the most difficult part, and Lance was relieved when he heard the quiet sniffle and even quieter chuckle before Justin continued with his tale.
“I got caught up in the moment. Everyone around me was laughing.” Lance could hear the smile in Justin’s voice. “They were all happy. The air was festive. It was intoxicating, and I found myself wanting to reach out to someone.”
Once again, Justin stopped in his explanation. His descriptions of what brought on his sudden change were still a bit vague and Lance couldn’t place the when and where of it. The people who flocked to them tended to be in a good mood, which made every day festive to some degree. Somehow, though, Lance got the feeling he was still overlooking something important.
“It was spontaneous. Chris was making some silly toast to St. Patrick and,” Lance wished he could say it all made sense now, but it didn’t. However, at least he knew now that Justin’s epiphany had occurred at the St. Patrick’s Day party they’d had at some producers home the prior week. Now he could sift through the night’s events and try to figure out what had affected Justin, “we were all laughing at how ridiculous he sounded.” A wistful sigh escaped Justin’s mouth, and Lance hurt, knowing he had felt like an outsider. “For a moment I was truly happy, and I wanted to share the feeling.”
Justin raised the hand not holding Lance’s and cupped Lance’s neck. His head was cocked to the side and Lance felt a delicious shudder run through his body as their breaths mingled together.
Softly Justin’s fingers began to caress the nape of his neck. “You were standing in front of me. I wrapped my arms around your waist and propped my chin on your shoulder. I’ve been numb for years, Lance,” Justin breathed lowly, “but the moment I felt the warmth of your skin and the feel of your body beneath my fingertips I knew what it meant to live for the first time in years.”
“We’ve touched a million times before, Lance. During photo shoots. For the press. Brushing by each other in a room or hallway. But nothing…no touch has ever affected me so deeply before.”
Lance breathed Justin’s words into his heart much like he breathed his breath into his body. He sent a silent prayer winging its way to heaven that Justin meant what he thought he meant. “Justin?”
Justin moved until they were impossibly closer. So close only a thought separated their lips. “I wanted the moment to last. I wanted it so badly I ached, but it I ended it. I pulled away because I wanted it to last not because it made me feel wrong. I never wanted to let you go.”
Blood thundered in Lance’s ears.
“I wanted to explore every inch of your body and memorize it so I would never have to feel empty again.” A low laugh slipped past Justin’s lips and Lance felt the vibrations on his own. “Until that moment I never realized I felt empty inside. I never realized something was missing. It made me wonder if I’d been wrong…wrong to cut off physical contact.”
“That night I made a point of touching everyone I could. I touched shoulders and shook hands.” Justin’s voice became stronger, and he pulled back to look Lance proudly in the eye. “I was the one patting backs and goosing people in the ribs. But it wasn’t the same. For the next few days I threw myself into proving to I’d been wrong but it never felt right.”
“It never felt right,” he almost whispered. The fingers at Lance’s nape stilled, “until the night I saw you tuck a strand of hair behind some girl’s ear and thank her for coming to the show. I decided to see if the first time had been a fluke so I walked over, hugged you and congratulated you on a great show.”
Justin’s eyes sparkled at the memory. Even in the low light Lance could seem them gleaming. “The moment we touched I knew my life would never be the same. Time slowed down. I felt the individual ridges of your spine, the ripples of your muscles as you hugged me back. You were so hot all I could do was melt into you. The pebbles of your nipples scraped across my chest, and I was sure you could feel my gasp but your hands continued to blaze their trail of fire across my back until they stopped in the middle and pulled me closer.” Justin closed his eyes and licked his lips. “I felt the moist warmth of your breath on my neck and inhaled the spicy scent I can only describe as you. Then you were pulling away.” A hint of sadness crept into his eyes.
“All that happened in less than a second and in the aftermath my whole life lay in shambles around me.”
“I went back to the hotel and sat out on my balcony until I couldn’t lie to myself any longer.” Once again Justin’s eyes pleaded with Lance to understand. “I couldn’t deny I wanted to be near you. Touch you. Only you. When I reached that point I quietly crept into your room and sat by your bed. For hours I sat there and listened to you breathe. I sat at heaven’s door, Lance, and listened to my angel breathing. And for the first time I can remember, I was truly content.”
Oh, God. Lance could all but hear Justin saying the words. Saying he loved him. He wanted to hear those words so bad he thought he might burst. “Justin –“
“Some time during the night I realized the truth about myself. I realized that all these years I’ve been protecting myself because deep down I knew I was different. I kept everyone at arms length because instinctively I knew I had met the one person who could be my world, and I didn’t want to give that power to anyone.” Justin cupped Lance’s face with his hands and gazed deeply into his eyes. “But I can’t deny myself anymore, Lance. I can’t tell myself I’m in love with Britney. I can’t tell myself I love my life. I can’t pretend I’m not in love with you.”
The bottom dropped out of Lance’s stomach. “What are you saying, Justin?” he whispered, his mouth going dry.
“I’m saying I’m in love with you and with one innocent touch you broke through the barriers I’ve spent years building. I’m saying I never want to go back to that cold empty place inside where every touch meant nothing because now I know love makes all the difference.” A radiant smile spread across Justin’s face. “Love burns away all the insincere actions and lets me live in the true moments.”
“Justin, I –“ Again Justin cut him off before he could finish his sentence.
“All I’m asking is that you don’t push me away. I need you. I need your touch to remind me I’m still alive. Even if it’s only a brushing of arms as we pass in the hall. That’s enough. You’ve restored my faith and made me believe in pure expression through touch.” Justin radiated happiness. “My whole world is new again, and I’m seeing it through the eyes of love.”
“I don’t expect you to love me back, Lance. I just wanted you to know, and I wanted to thank you for bringing these feelings to life in me.”
Lance sat quietly for a while absorbing all Justin had told him. Time and again his mind kept coming back to Justin’s declaration of love. He’d waited so long to hear the words they almost didn’t feel real, but the blue eyes gazing at him with so much hope and happiness told him they were. However, he could only force himself to utter one question through the jumble his brain had become. “Does this mean you’re gay?”
Justin’s back stiffened, and he dropped his hands away from Lance’s face. Lance swore he saw the blue eyes go flat. “It means I’m in love with a man and if you want to label me because of it… I won’t try to change your mind.”
“Justin,” Lance moaned, cupping the back of his neck and pulling him forward. “Can I tell you I’ve waited forever to hear you say you love me? That I love you back? That I want you to want to touch me? That I want you to feel alive when we accidentally brush hands?”
Now it was his turn to spill all the feelings he’d pent up inside. “I want you to love me so much you sit and listen to me breathe in the night. I’ve longed for your touch all my life. Every time I touched someone or someone touched me, I pretended it was you. All I’ve ever wanted to do is hold you for eternity. I could spend a lifetime memorizing every detail of you and it wouldn’t be long enough.”
Hope shone brightly in Justin’s eyes. “Do you mean it?”
“With everything in me,” Lance whispered.
Tentatively Justin reached out to touch him. “May I?”
Lance nodded and then groaned. He pulled Justin into a loving embrace. Cocooned in the darkness of the room, they came together two halves finally united into a whole. Heaven never tasted so sweet as it did in their human touch.
Navigation