"I entertained a cowboy last night", says the first.

"How did you know he was a cowboy?", asks the second.

"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together."

"Sounds like a cowboy, all right."  the others say.

"I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and  packed a briefcase.  He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time."

They agree he sounded like a lawyer.

"I had a dirt farmer for a client," comments the third.

"How could you possibly know he was a dirt farmer?" she is asked.

"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

1) How to win the heart of a woman:

Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

2) How to win the heart of a man:

Show up naked,
Bring beer

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.  After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."  All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled.  He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God!  He's back!"  The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

Our beer,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the local.
Forgive us this day our daily spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us.
And lead us not into the practice of poncey wine tasting,
And deliver us from alco-pops,
For mine is the bitter,
the ale and the lager,
Forever and ever;
BARMEN

Girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go  on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:

Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything so when we get back to his I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and I dunno I just don't know what  he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he's met someone else?

His story:

Shit day at work. Great shag later.

A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks.

The next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy, "Now if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred
dollars."

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, and has another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up and says, "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing !"

The octopus says, "Play it ? If I can figure out how to get it's pajama's off, I'm gonna fuck it! "

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief". (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful  girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher a is disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs.  Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction.  At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odour, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

Dr. Cook was brought up on charges at the medical board. He had, it seemed, uttered the vilest profanity to his nurse.

He explained, "Let me tell you what happened. My alarm didn't go off, so I woke up late. When I did wake up, I tried to turn on the light in the lamp on my nightstand. The bulb exploded and scared me for a minute, so I pulled the cord out of the wall, and the lamp fell over and broke.

Then I was trying to make a little breakfast when a whole army of little Girl Scouts showed up and tried to sell me tons of cookies. I had to buy five boxes to get rid of the kids. By then my coffee was ice cold, and my eggs were burned. I gulped down a glass of juice. It turned out to be sour.

When I started to drive to the office, the car conked out. The alternator was gone. I didn't have my auto club card with me so I had to pay to have the car towed to a service station. I looked at my service book and discovered that the warranty ran out last week.

I took a cab to the office, but around Main Street somebody sideswiped us, and I hit my head on the door handle. I finally made it into my office when my nurse said, "Doctor, a shipment of thermometers just came in. What shall I do with them?"

As they watched from the passenger's side, the guy instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.

"Hey," the man announced to the technician, "It's open!"

"I know," answered the young man.  "I already got that side."

1.  Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken = Signal Indicators

2.  Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen = Auto Hood ( Bonnet)

3.  Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust

4.  Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken = Clutch

5.  Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken = Puncture

6.  Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner driver

7.  Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin = Estate car

8.  Der Flippenflappenschitspreader =  Windshield wipers

9.  Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen = Seat belt

10. Das Buch fur Aresewipen = Highway code

11. Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden = Headlights

12. Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist

13. Der Fukkengratentrucken = Truck

14. Der Bananwaltzen = Skid

15. Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near accident

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.  Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk..

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."

"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because,... That's exactly what you did to my luggage last year !"

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List
(at age 32)
----------------------------------
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List
(at age 42)
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List
(at age 52)
----------------------------------
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List
(at age 62)
----------------------------------
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

What Women Want In A Man, Revised List
(at age 72)
----------------------------------
1. Breathing

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART, you know all the words.

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point your hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't disguise your voice.

3. Insist that your e-mail address be: zena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.  Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors"

10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

12. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophesy."

HERS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. opens window
3. asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct
one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
4. finally rolls down window
5. hocks a loogie
6. pulls up to a 7-11
7. gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
9. Gets back into car.
10. farts
11. after he closes the door.
12. laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from
the 7-11.
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this
is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
14. almost hits a deer
15. curses the night
16. curses you
17. curses the large slurpee
18. stops by the side of the road
19 takes a leak
20. still taking a leak.
21. almost done
22. I think.
23. returns to car
24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
25. yells at you for suggesting the map again
26. admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's
anyway.
27. He hates your sister.
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
29. He had to look up pernicious.
30. Couldn't find a dictionary.
31. finally found a dictionary
32. Couldn't spell pernicious.
33. seethes at the memory of it all
34. But she is laughing inside...
35. And of course you're still lost.

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

I like you.  You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision.  I just don't give a damn.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Thank you.  We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

What am I?  Flypaper for freaks!?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

This isn't an office.  It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

Drunk = Spacially Perplexed

Insane People = Comprehensibility Selective

Insane People = Selectively Perceptive

Bisexual = Sexually Non-preferential

Bald = Folically Challenged

Bald = Comb-Free

Girl = Pre-Woman

Fat = Calorifically Enhanced

Alternatively, Fat = Horizontally Challenged

Alternatively, Fat = Gravitationally Challenged

Short = Vertically Challenged

Airhead = Reality Impaired

Sarah Brightman = Alternatively Talented

Dead = Metabolically Challenged

Poor = Economically Deficient

Poor = Economically Unprepared

Slum = Economic Oppression Zone

Hunter = Animal Assassin

Old People = Gerentologically Advanced

Homeless = Optionally Residential

Hooker = Sexual-Care Provider

Hooker = Sex Surrogate

Housewife = Domestic Technician

Handicapped = Differently Abled

Deaf = Visually Oriented

Blind = Photonically Non-receptive

Drug Addict = Chemically Challenged

Ugly = Attractively Impaired

Obnoxious = Charismatically Impeded

The waiter patiently reviewed the bill with the man, and it was indeed correct.

"Are you trying to make a fool out of me ?" he huffed.

"Oh sir... Not in the least... I never interfere with nature."

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different organizations.

Your resume is in a diskette in your pocket.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You learn about your layoff on the news.

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the developing countries' gross national products combined.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Communication is something your section is having problems with.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Being sick is defined as "can't walk" or "in the hospital."

You're already late on the work task you just got.

You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check.

"Vacation" is something you roll over to next year, or a check you get every January.

Your relatives and family describe your job as "working with computers".

Your business cards are no longer correct just a month after you receive them.

You have every "Cup-A-Soup" brand known to man in your desk drawer.

You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device.

During any outside-of-work event that vaguely resembles a social activity, your co-workers outnumber your family members.

You must fill in your own job performance evaluations and target goals because no one else really knows what you do anyway. Besides, the Human Resources Department was outsourced last month.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you've lost your best jokes.

You read this entire list and understood it.

"I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed  that her skirt was  stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled  it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!"

"I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "but how did you get the second black eye?"

"Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "so I pushed it back in.

Look how many calories you can burn:

* TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES
With her agreement - 12 cal
Without her agreement - 187 cal

* TAKING OFF THE BRA
With both hands - 8 cal
With one hand - 12 cal
With one hand being slapped - 37 cal
With the mouth - 85 cal

* PUTTING ON THE CONDOM
With erection - 6 cal
Without erection - 315 cal

* PRELIMINARIES
Trying to find the clitoris - 8 cal
Trying to find G spot - 92 cal
Without caring at all - 0 cal

* WHEN DOING IT
Holding her up - 12 cal
Just on the floor - 8 cal

* POSITIONS
Daddy-mummy - 12 cal
69 laying - 8 cal
69 standing up - 112 cal
Trolley - 216 cal
Italian chandelier - 912 cal

* HAVING AN ORGASM
Real - 112 cal
Fake - 315 cal

* POST ORGASM
Staying in bed - 8 cal
Jumping off the bed - 36 cal
Explaining why you jumped off the bed - 816 cal

* GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION
Between 16 and 19 years of age - 12 cal
from 20 to 29 - 36 cal
from 30 to 39 - 108 cal
from 40 to 49 - 324 cal
from 50 to 59 - 972 cal
over 60 - 2916 cal

* PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES
Quietly - 32 cal
Being in a hurry - 98 cal
With her husband opening the door - 218 cal

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night & ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.

An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.

The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets ... which is why
nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to
develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover!

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young
woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.

An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you
impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to  know...

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you.

Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman
will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call...

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with
you, in case you get any ideas...

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young
women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front
of somebody that they might possibly boff later.

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman
may need some time to grasp this fact.

An older woman has lots of girlfriends ... and most of them will want to boff you too.

An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen
them first.

NICKNAMES:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT:

And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in a $20 bill, even though the total is only $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS:

A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

MONEY:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
(Editor note to married men: Forget your mistakes. There's no sense in two people remembering the same thing.)

GROCERIES:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will
not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A neighbour lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"

To which he calmly replied, "I am.  That's why she cuts the grass!"

 1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house.  (Hide them well.)
 2. Organise his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
 3. Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.
 4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.
 5. Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.
 6. "Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
 7. Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.
 8. Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
 9. Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who "needs it more than he does."
10. Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."
11. If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.
12. Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
13. Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his "sinking" on film.
14. Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.
15. Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don't know about to his younger brother, who he hates.

How to Drive the Woman in Your Life Crazy

 1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
 2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
 3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
 4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
 5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
 6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
 7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
 8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
 9. Never give her a straight answer.
10. Take up yodelling and practice a lot.
11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments.  (Argh! Argh! Argh!)
12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear."  (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defence in many states.)

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night,
and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... of a male and a female."

 The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"

An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great white hunter, to come and
kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never showed up. Finally, he told the tribal chief to kill a
cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they
carefully approached, they saw the hunter lying there, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.

"What happened, bwana? Where is the lion? asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion !" he howled. "Which of you Idiots let the bull loose?"

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.  One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks.  If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."

Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologised for his bad language.

"That's okay," she said, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother
and says,"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his jeans exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his jeans and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"A foot and a half!? Here, you stir the pasta and I'll go upstairs and take care of Tony!"

A - Alcohol : The key to surviving college

B - Beer : The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging

C - Class : What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party

D - Dancing : A favourite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic

E - Emergency : The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party

F - Fucked Up : Signified by leaning over a toiled puking your guts out

G - Games : Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beer

H - Hang-over : Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank

I - Idiot : The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party

J - Jail : Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home

K - Kissing : What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers

L - Lord : Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol

M - Money : That which you no longer have due to too much partying

N - Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know

O - Oh shit! : What you say as you're falling down the stairs

P - Pee : What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer

Q - Quilt : What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning

R - Reform : What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet

S - Sex : What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk

T - Ten : The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk

U - Underage : Most of the drinking population in college town

V - Vodka : The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour

W - Worm : The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow

X - X-ray : How they can see into your stomach before they pump it

Y - Yourself : The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every weekend

Z - Zoned : How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking

Monday
Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday
Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.

Wednesday
Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at El Flasho's
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps

Thursday
Breakfast - Order out for pizza
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.

Friday
Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder
Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

Saturday
Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto
Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don't eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

Sunday
Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don't eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.

A family had just sat down to enjoy their annual Christmas Lunch with turkey and all the trimmings, when there was a pronounced knock on the front door.

The father of the house rose and went impatiently to the door and quickly opened it. To his surprise there was no-one there and so he looked around to see what had made the noise. As he was about to shut the door again, he noticed on the doorstep a strangely alert looking snail.

The snail cleared its throat and said in a clear, but squeaky voice - "Excuse me, but are you about to enjoy a wonderful Christmas meal?"

The man was stunned and replied - "Yes, but what's it to you?"

Whereupon the snail replied - "My family and I are starving so I was wondering if you could spare us just a little!"

The man was utterly gobsmacked and shouted angrily - "You cheeky little snail!" and promptly kicked the snail right over his own hedge and into his neighbour's garden.

He sat down again with his family and they finished their meal and not another thought was given to the incident.

The weeks went by and Easter was soon upon them and once more they were to be found sat around the table. They were about to enjoy a feast of a meal when there was again a pronounced knock on the door.

The father arose, strode to the door and threw it open only to find no-one there. Once more as he was about to shut the door, he noticed that this strangely alert looking snail was on the doorstep again.

The snail fixed him with a sad look in his eye and said with the utmost hurt in his voice - "What did you do that for?"

A gay man goes into the doctor's for an exam. The doctor does some tests and asks his patient to remove his jeans & underwear.

Doc then grabs the right testicle of his patient & asks him to say,"77". The gay man happily says, "77". Doc then repeats this
procedure with the left testicle. The gay man again says, "77".

For the final part of the exam, the doctor asks for the patient to bend over the table as he is putting on his rubber glove. As
soon as the doc gets a couple of fingers into the guy's ass, he asks him to say,"77". The gay man slowly starts, "1, 2, 3, 4..."

* How come wrong telephone numbers are never busy?
* Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
* Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
* Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
* Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
* Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
* Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
* Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
* Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
* How do you get off a non-stop flight?
* How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
* If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
* Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
* Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
* Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A businessman met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500, and she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR AN APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realising that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

              (1) It had never been occupied
              (2) There was plenty of heat.
              (3) It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

The 9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska.  After buying supplies in a local town he went into a nearby saloon.
Approaching the bartender he asked, " Is there any action to be had in this town?"
"What do you mean, action", asked the bartender.
"I mean, are there any women", said the trapper.
" No, but there's always old Joe", replied the bartender.
"No thanks", said the trapper. "I don't go for that kind of stuff".

The next spring the trapper came back into town. After being snowed in for 9 months he was in a slightly different frame of mind.
He walked into the bar and asked, "Is there any action in town?"
"There's still old Joe", replied the bartender.
"If I were to go for old Joe", he asked, "Who would have to know about it?"
"Well", said the bartender," there's you, me , old Joe, of course, and these three  guys sitting at the other end of the bar."
"What do we need those three guys for?" asked the trapper.
"To hold old Joe," replied the bartender, "He don't go for that kind of stuff either."

    HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Select account
4. Enter PIN number
5. Enter Amount
6. Take cash, card and receipt
7. Drive away from machine

    HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rear-view mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in chequebook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in chequebook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and chequebook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and
exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.  After two hours, the professor called for the exams,
and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.  A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

The presidents of Cascade, Tooheys, XXXX, Boags were at an international beer conference. They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.

The president of Cascade says without hesitation......."I'll have a Cascade Draught."

The president of Tooheys smiles and says......."I'll have a Tooheys New, brewed from pure mountain water!"

The guy from XXXX proudly says,........"I'll have a XXXX Lager, the King of Beers!"

The guy from Boags glances at his lunch mates and says,........."I'll have a Pepsi."

The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head. He just shrugs and says, "If you guys aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

Women

     Yes = No
     No = Yes
     Maybe = No
     I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
     We need = I want
     It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
     Do what you want = You'll pay for this later!
     We need to talk = I need to complain.
     Sure . . . go ahead = I don't want you to.
     I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
     You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
     This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
     I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
     Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
     I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
     Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
     How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
     I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes & find a good game on T.V.
     Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
     You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
     Are you listening to me!? = {Too late, you're dead}
     Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep?
     I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

Men

     I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
     I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
     I'm tired = I'm tired.
     Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex w/you.
     Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex w/you.
     Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex w/you.
     May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex w/you.
     Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
     You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
     What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
     What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
     What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
     I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
     I love you = Let's have sex now.
     I love you, too = Okay, I said it . . . we'd better have sex now!
     Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.
     Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50.00 and it doesn't look that much different!
     Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
     (while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin dress & let's go home!!!

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.  His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.  His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.  "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.  Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine-----what's that?", she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."

Ladies: Need help Gift Shopping for the man in your life? Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it
is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule 1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill.  It does not matter if he already has one.  I have a friend who owns 17
and he has yet to complain.  As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule 2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it.  Men love saying those two words  "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK.  By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket  yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule 3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or
something to hang from his rear view mirror.  Men love gifts for their cars.  No one knows why.

Rule 4:
Never buy men bathrobes.  Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have
invented Jockey shorts.

Rule 5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.  If you have a lot of money buy
your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner.  Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule 6:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant.  I'm told they do not stink - they are
earthy.

Rule 7:
Buy men label makers.  Almost as good as cordless drills.  Within a couple of weeks there will be labels
absolutely  everywhere.  "Socks.  Shorts. Cups. saucers.  Door.  Lock.  Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)

Rule 8:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will
always have parts left over. No one knows why.

Rule 9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's
stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey!  Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane?  Wow! thanks.")

Rule 10:
Men enjoy danger.  That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. No one knows why)  Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks.  "Oh the thrill!  The challenge!  Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule 11:
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift.  However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of
19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule 12:
Men love chain saws.  Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw.  If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule 13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a
stepladder.  It must be an extension ladder.  No one knows why.

Rule 14:
Rope.  Men love rope.  It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts.  Nothing says love
like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't
know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I
sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping centre.  Her arms were laden with a mop and broom
and other cleaning supplies.  By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"  "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk.  "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found
absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him,  "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

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13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until
your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN....................

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. WARNING: consumption of  alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisable.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and
sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom, why are
wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story
was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they might have some problems so wanted
them to work on it while still there. She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!" The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school." The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself,
"It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my reputation."

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch
at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency,and public
intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a
pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.  "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles.  At least I thought there wasn't" he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was
appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".  "I guess I was just
really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware
of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure" said officerTaylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I  just went up and said, 'Excuse
me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?'  He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then
looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!?  Damn...is it midnight already?'"

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18,  she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45,  she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her
resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but who gives a damn?
 

Age and Manhood

1. Between 16 and 26:   Tri-weekly

2. Between 27 and 46:  Try weekly

3. Over 47:   Try weakly

A Young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed,
the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said," here put these on." She put them onand the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, she said." "That's Right!!" , said the husband, "and don't you forget it." "I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said,"try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them
on as far as his kneecap. He said, "hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "that's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your goddamn attitude changes!"

1.Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2.Be ambiguous. Always.
3.Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
4.Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or decades ago...or with other boyfriends.
5.Make them apologize for everything.
6.Stash feminine products in their cars, backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
7.Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
8.Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know"... loud. Look at them. Smile.  Say...haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
9.Look them in the eye and start laughing.
10.Get mad at them for everything.
11.Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
12.Hold grudges.
13.Demand to be called or e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
14.When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
15.Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his Little Princess.
16.Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
17.Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
18.Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
19.Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
20.Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library...for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
21.Fall for your FAC. (I don't know what this is)
22.Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
23.Correct their grammar.
24.Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.
25.Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
26.Leave out the good parts in stories.
27.Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
28.Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
29.Declare that you are not wacko.
30.Criticize the way they dress.
31.Criticize the music they listen to.
32.Criticize their hair.
33.Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
34.Try to change them.
35.Try to mold them.
36.Try to get them to dance.
37.Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance whenconfronted.
38.When they screw up, never let them forget it.
39.Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting...just because.
40.Blame everything on PMS.
41.Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
42.Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
43.Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
44.Read into everything..
45.Over-analyze everything.
46.Make it your goal to make them cry

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

Y'ALL -- noun. A degree of rotation.
Usage: "There are three degrees of Southern rotation: Pitch, Roll, and Y'all."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eifel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

WARSH - verb. To clean.
SQUARSH - noun. A vegetable (also verb - to flatten).
Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!"

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy
suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years...I wonder how the girls are doing?

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Two men and a woman were sitting at a bar talking about their professions.

The first man says, "I'm a YUPPIE..ya know...Young, Urban, Professional.

The second guys says "I'm a DINK..ya know, Double Income, No Kids."

They asked the woman, "And you?"

She replied; "I'm a WIFE. ya know, Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy.
However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.

Then again, maybe he does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to fuck me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your cock.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realised that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide it in! Fuck me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: <logged off>