Stand Up Waitressing
By Stephanie A single spotlight shines on a microphone and stand Down Left. Another spotlight also shines Down Right at a small table where GREG sits. His elbows rest on the table and he holds his face in his hands. GREG eyes close and his head droops as if he is dozing off. Laughing and clapping is heard, and he jerks awake. The noise immediately stops. MELANIE enters, unseen by GREG. She looks at him strangely as he talks to himself.

GREG (sighing) It was a good set. Well the crowd was into it...your timing was maybe a little off. No, I won’t beat myself up about it. You haven’t lost it yet have you? Yet being the key word there.

MELANIE Is this what you do after every show? Talk to yourself?

GREG (startled) Uh, not usually. You do seem to have a talent for finding me like this.

MELANIE Last night and now again tonight. It seems to be a pattern. (she laughs) Good set tonight, Greg.

GREG Thanks...Melanie was it?

MELANIE Yeah...I love your routine. I...um...I always request to work when you’re performing.

GREG Don’t get many hours then?

MELANIE (takes a minute to finally get it) (laughing) Anyway, I guess I’ll leave you alone.

GREG (stands) Uh, now wait. Sit, talk, mingle. I’ll get you a drink. (looking around) Now where is that waitress?

MELANIE The service here is terrible here.

GREG and MELANIE both laugh and look around awkwardly.

MELANIE I wish I could stay. I’ve got to go back to work though.

BLACKOUT

Spotlight on the microphone and stand as MELANIE approaches it.

MELANIE Greg? Are you still here, Greg? (she walks to the microphone and speaks into it in a deep voice) Table 6 your pizza’s ready. (rimshot) (she takes the microphone off the stand and starts pacing like a comic would) ...and I made fun of you for talking to yourself. I can’t believe I told you that I watch your show every night! I was practically screaming desperation. (she smiles and returns the mike to the stand and bows)

Single clapping is heard. The other spot comes up on the table and GREG sits there clapping. MELANIE looks terrified and freezes.

GREG Thank you.

MELANIE (quietly) For what?

GREG Proving that not everyone can do this job. (MELANIE looks away and he reassures her) That was called a joke, darling.

MELANIE I know. (she laughs) That is why I was trying to help you out. Give you a few pointers. I’ll do the comedy and you do the waitressing.

The spotlight fades and we hear another laugh track.