There was this guy...
I didn't know I would like him
Till the day he asked me
If he could court me.
Quite silly, that's what I thought.
But then, I fell for him.
A big mistake, but i fell for him.
He was, of course, sweet at first.
I guess they all are.
But he changed
When he met my friend.
They were together, leaving me out.
It's true that a friend
Is the worst traitor you'll ever come across.
And she was one.
It wasn't supposed to be that way...
But it's already happened
And there's nothing I can do.
There's nothing I can do to change it.
The only thing I could control at that time
Was myself.
But I couldn't control the pain that was spreading.
Although I am glad that there weren't so much tears.
Just a drop or two--that was all.
He wasn't worth crying for.
He isn't worth anything.
The joke fell on me.
I was stupid, blinded, crazy.
What the hell was I thinking?
I'm left with regret.
I'm left with anger.
I'm left with hatred.
Fortunately, that changed...
Before any of this had happened,
There was this guy...
He was the guy who cared when I didn't.
He was the guy who loved me when I didn't.
He was the guy I always failed to notice.
But I got to know him better when I was continuing on with my life.
At first, I wasn't quite sure of what I felt.
I was scared of what might happen.
But I was hoping that he still cared right at the same time.
I was a bit late to feel for him.
Yet he cared even after I've ignored him in the past.
It was like a dream come true for me,
Cause I felt that he loved me.
Cause I knew that he loved me.
We were growing closer
When the time came for me to leave.
I wished I loved him earlier and not much later.
We could've spent the time together longer.
But I had no choice.
I left in tears.
I left with loneliness.
But he promised me
That he would never hurt me.
I believe him;
I kept it in my heart.
Then it happened again.
I had the chance to visit him.
Yet he hid from me.
I couldn't figure out what going on.
I felt like I was running after him.
How thick could he get?
I couldn't understand why.
I couldn't understand why he didn't want to see me.
He left me without a clue.
There were no reasons.
There weren't even excuses.
Just unanswered qustions.
His promise faded away.
I'm left with pain.
I'm left with sadness.
I'm left with confusion.
I'm left to my own foolishness.
But I didn't falter just yet.
I was still quite hopeful that maybe all of this
Was just a mere mistake.
That maybe he really still cared for me.
But no, he didn't.
What a fool I was,
And maybe I still am
And will always be.
The joke falls on me again.
It was a good two years or so
When I forgot about him
Because I met this guy who loved me long before the other two...
He care for me when I cared for someone else.
He loved me while I loved someone else.
It was like deja vu.
But I didn't fall for him right away...
At first I was also reluctant
Knowing that I loved someone else.
Or so that's what I kept telling myself.
The person I loved didn't care for me anymore,
And I realized that I was just afraid to face the truth.
I fell for this guy...
It was five years.
Five years that I continued to ignore him and dismiss his feelings for me.
Yet he never stopped loving me.
Now that I feel the same way for him too.
I'm afraid of the hindrances that might come.
I'm afraid of the voices around me.
I'm afraid once again of what might happen.
I'm afraid history would repeat itself.
Perhaps people would say I'm in too deep.
Perhaps they might say I'm too young for any of this.
Or maybe anyone would just say I'm a stupid little girl.
All of it could be true. Then again, all of it might not be true.
Right now, all I feel is anxiety.
Will the joke hit me for the third time?
Will I have to feel pain again before I ever learn?
Will I again be left with pain?
With anger? With hatred? With sadness?
If there's a pattern to all of this,
Then I'm scared for this to continue.
At times, I'm scared when he's not there,
But I love him when he's there.
The voices around me make me ponder...
Ponder till I stare off into space.
The voices are all familiar.
I know each one perfectly.
But one voice I do not know is the one within me.
Is it me? Is it my brain?
Is it my heart? Is it my conscience?
Someone inside of me is scared
And afraid to shed a tear.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I wish I was able to see the future.
I wish I was able to see right through a person's heart.
I wish I was able to read minds.
Then I'd know...
So the joke won't fall on me.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm gullible,
Or maybe men have their own bad habits.
When the voices get softer
I can hear my heartbeat.
I can feel the anxiety swelling inside.
One day it could destroy me.
My own foolishness will defeat me.
My doubt will break me.
My sadness will engulf me.
My loneliness will crush me.
What if my heartbeat suddenly stops?
What if I die?
Will they realize their wrongs
And remember how they hurt me?
Will they apologize at my grave where it is too late?
Or will they just forget it?
But guilt lingers in me somehow.
Was it my own fault?
But I refuse to believe it.
But I keep it deep within the secret chambers of my mind.
Now, this person that I love now...
Will I regret my feelings for him?
He said he'd stay.
He said he'd wait.
How long will his promise last?
How long will he last?
Am I blinded, stupid, or crazy again?
No one can help me but myself.
I'll have to learn.
I hope I'm on the right track.
I've written so much.
I've said so much.
I hope it's worth my time.
I've thought so much.
I've listened so much.
I hope it's worth the trouble.
I hope he continues to care.
Because I'm sure that I will.
Till then I don't know what happens.
Maybe I'll just pray
That the joke won't fall on me.