“Live to the point of tears.”
            -Albert Camus

With the New Year upon us, I’m hoping that like me, you have made resolutions to travel more.  This year I’m finally taking that trip of my dreams… to Afghanistan.  Sure Rome features the works of masters like Michelangelo and Raphael, Ireland has its lush fields of green, and the cafes of Paris make even this lowly writer feel like Hemingway.  But oh those Afghan flatlands! 

To optimize my trip, I grabbed the "Let’s go Afghanistan" guidebook, updated November 2001.  What follows here is all you will need for your trip.  (Due to length constraints, I omitted the publication’s other paragraph detailing September’s annual goat milking festival. But it’s not like you can enjoy a vacation fighting huge crowds!). 

ORIENTATION:
Afghanistan is the perfect home base for your trip to Central Asia as it is perfectly situated between Pakistan, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, and Tajikistan. Can you stand it? People with an extra day to kill will certainly want to visit  “the Jewel of the Caspian,” Iraq, which lies due west. Be sure to pick up some biological weapons at the duty free.

Did you know? In addition to offering a hiding place for cowardly Taliban and Terrorists alike, the mountains of Afghanistan currently offer the best skiing this side of the Alps.  American aircraft currently “re-groom” the moguls about every 2 hours.  Try to catch them in between sorties unless you are practicing for the 2002 X-games.

GETTING AROUND:
Once stranded, I mean landed, take a lovely day walk on either of the country’s paved roads. While both directions offer the same striking view of a once beautiful land now decimated by Taliban rule, we suggest walking away from the sound of American aircraft. 

Rest those tired feet and catch the complimentary hummer (see also: nightlife), which drives by every seventeen minutes on its Pakistan - Kandahar shuttle route. Be prepared to share the ride with a Taliban POW who never consented to leader Mullah Omar’s pledging of every soldiers fight to the death while Omar himself hid in a Tora Bora cave. It is nice to see the Taliban still leading by example.

THE PEOPLE:
Strike up a conversation with any of Afghanistan’s 20.5 million inhabitants and hear them sing the country’s praises.  This is providing you meet the one in ten men that are fortunate enough to go to school.  Women aren’t allowed to attend school. (Taliban edict forbids women from working outside the home so there’s no way they’re going to be able to pay their student loans).

NIGHTLIFE:
Given the fact women can only leave the home wearing a burqa covering them from head to toe, men can chose any bar with the same results as all of the women look identical! I heard one guy bragging, “The one in the black tablecloth is a ‘hottie!’ I had her screaming ‘Allah’ at the top of her lungs! Oh yeah, Ramadan came early for that little lady.  You should have seen the look on her face, I should have seen the look on her face.” Nobody could prove him wrong.  If you would rather look but not touch, may we suggest, “Camel’s Last Hump” a Gentlemen’s club where ladies wear their burqas so short that you can see their ankles.

DINING OUT:
When traveling to another city, state or country sampling the local cuisine is a must. Be sure to grab some mantu, an Afghan version of ravioli, at the local Kunduz Fried Cabbage (KFC).  If you’re homesick for a good old-fashioned American meal, don’t miss Kabullseye, the newest open-air restaurant where Naval helicopters drop UN rations from 275 feet overhead.  In keeping with American tradition they even offer a happy meal, last week’s prize was a plane ticket anywhere else. 

I do hope to visit Afghanistan someday. When people who lead by example and not by fear rule. Because when fear has closed the heart, one cannot see beauty. It is when we open our hearts we can see the beauty of a world that will both make us laugh and make us cry, make us happy and make us sad, and make us rich and make us poor.  This world is the most beautiful place we will ever see in this lifetime and anyone who tries scare you from it is a sad, poor and unhappy bastard.

So this year, whether you backpack through Europe or never leave home, resolve to open your hearts to the beauty in everything this year. Make 2002 a year filled with tears of joy, rich with friendships, and a life lived to the fullest.

Get up, get out, and get flying.  Let’s go!

xoxo
    -g

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