THE LAST WORD on… ......................................AIR TRAVEL

With the New Year upon us, I look forward to another year of travel in order to bring laughter to the people of Newark, Elkton, and Parsippany. Roadwork for me usually involves stuffing myself into my car with a pair of jeans, a tee-shirt, my journal, and my monkee, Mooch. (Now you know his name in case you were wondering). But my travels have been expanding of late and I now find myself taking to the air. Fortunately for you, my faithful readers, I have dabbled in air travel before and have actually learned a few things to help the trip fly by, (no pun intended, well maybe I intended a little pun.). Anyway, I’d feel amiss if I didn’t give you some tips I’ve picked up in my travels.

As a child growing up, I fondly recall long car trips with my parents to far away places, (many times they would take me home with them too). But that was long ago and now I find myself traveling primarily by plane. More often than not, I fly alone and therefore have found several ways to pass the time. Whether you travel from Baltimore to Boston, Mass. or Barajas, Madrid, these tips are sure to make you the hit of the flight.

Start things off with a bang. As you board the plane stick your head in the cockpit and yell "shotgun!" or in your best sing-songy voice say "I smell bourbon…", this is always a hit with the guys in the control tower. If you are too shy to say anything, simply carry on a half-dozen empty airplane liquor bottles and swing open the cockpit door as you toss them onto the floor haphazardly. Don’t say a word, but do enjoy the concerned looks on the first class passengers’ faces as you head to your seat in coach.

Once seated, take advantage of technology today. Go to the nearest vacant seat with one of those airfones™ and call a friend. Give him your seat number and tell him to "star-69" the phone in about twenty minutes and ask for you. When the already confused person turns to you, wave your hands frantically while mouthing the words "I’m not here!" At this point have your friend ask, "do you expect him back soon?"

About now, they are giving the inane required safety procedures. People, if you don’t know how to fasten a seatbelt by now, surviving an airplane flight should not be your primary concern. (I would recommend, however requesting a fork with a cork on it with your in flight meal). Anyway, my favorite part is when the captain introduces himself. At this point I always scream in terror "CAPTAIN SMITH! Then, in a voice of complete resignation say "May god have mercy on our souls."

While most people opt for either a window seat, so as not to be disturbed the entire flight, or an aisle seat so that they can come and go as they please, I always take the middle seat which allows me to annoy them both. What I like to do is each time the person to the aisle gets up, I bellow, "hittin’ the crapper again, huh? I guess this flight isn’t the only non-stop to Boulder." This usually grabs the attention of the window seat passenger to whom I invariably say "I get real nervous when I fly, mind if we cuddle?"

For some real laughs, bring an authentic pilot suit on in your carry on bag and sneak into the bathroom and slip into it midway through the flight. Now stagger back to your seat with a tequila bottle and slur "we're all out of salt in the cockpit!" If they ask who’s flying the plane look at them disdainfully and say "Duh!?!? The guy who called shotgun!"

Now it’s time to take some quiet time and relax at the Skymall™. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, Skymall™ is a catalogue conveniently located in the pouch in front of your seat next to the airsick bag. It allows you, (via the airfone™), to buy a tie, briefcase, or anything else needed for a last minute meeting that may have been left at home. Now, however, that sensibility has fallen by the wayside as everything from lawn furniture to Oklahoma porterhouse steak is available to the consumer at 37,000 feet. It certainly is comforting to know you have access to an authentic 1911 Popcorn Cart, (page 90, summer 2000) as you fly to that board meeting in Provo...even if it does weigh 114 pounds. I find it amusing that in an over two page catalogue, there'’ no parachute for sale...i guess that would be more of an impulse purchase.

Finally, as you deplane, don't struggle with the airport police, it only makes them angry.

But maybe you’re not ready for all this. Maybe you just want to sit, relax and enjoy the flight. That’s great too, but be sure to talk to the person next to you. Ask them where they’re going and why.

It's a simple fact of nature that man was not meant to fly, yet everyone on every plane is drawn to something that makes this unnatural act an afterthought. Perhaps it’s a loved one's touch, a passion to do their job well, the beauty of a Barcelona sunset, or anything in between that calls them away...but you won’t know until you ask them. I can guarantee, however, that it is a story worth hearing. Of course I find the best stories, told by the most enthusiastic people, always speak of the same, beautiful destination…home.

xoxo
.....-g

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