Can you Fly?
In a petshop....   a customer is talking to a parrot.

Customer:  "HOY!  can you speak, ha?......  can you speak?...... BOBO..."

Parrot:  "YES, I can!  Ikaw?... can you fly, ha?... can you fly? ... GAGO..."

 
Tapnatsers sa klase
Anak:  Ma, hapit na jug ko mag number one sa amo klase.

Mama: Ngano gud nga nakasulti ka ana anak?

Anak:  Gi-announce man ni Ma'm ganina.  Ang gitudlo nya ang akong tapad, abi jud nakog ako na.. (,")

 
Buboyog
Hari:  Pedro, dahil ikaw ay nagkasala, ikay dapat maparusahan.

Pedro: Kahit anung parusa po mahal na hari, tatangaping ko.

Hari:  Anong gusto mong parusa, ipakain sa lion o pasukan ng buboyog sa puwit?

Pedro: Mabuti pang pasukan ng buboyog sa puwit kesa ipakain sa lion...

Hari:  Mga kawal.... ilabas si JOILIBEE

 
Bawia!
Husband:  Hon, pasayloa ko ha!  nakig sex ko kay kumare for 500 pesos!

Wife:  Unsa? nganong nibayad man ka? si kumpare gani gilibre ra man nako!  Bawia tung 500.....

 
The Widow at the Farmhouse
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
 
 
Slow Down
One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!'

"Why not" said the officer.

"Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same."

"But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP."

"But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist.

The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist.

"What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise.

"Do you want me to slow down or stop?" says the officer.
 
 
Cigars for the Judge
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But, I did send them."

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
 

 
Sunbathing
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

 
Florist Mistake
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.

"'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

 
Jail Mail
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

 
Magical Compact
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk, and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

 
Knock Knock! Who's There?
Zany.

Zany who?

Zany body home?

 
Wait Your Turn 
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

 
Knock Knock! Who's There?
Dishes.

Dishes who?

Dishes me. Who ish you?

 

 
Note: Please note that the jokes here are non-copyrighted fun stuff that was found from around the Internet and forwarded text messages. If by chance we have posted a copyrighted joke without attribution, please contact us to let us know which joke is in question. This way, we can either remove the joke or give proper credit to the author.