< The title just screams Mary-Sue; it’s sick. >
By Stephanie Gail Moore
< Let’s remember that name, alright? >
There – as opposed to where - he shoved a large pile of potatoes inside of his mouth.
< Someone’s got a big mouth. Not that we know who exactly this is, but we’ll assume it’s Harry. >
He laughed hard at the jokes Ron Weasly one of his best friends was saying.
< Who is Ron Weasly? Is that the fanon-Ron Weasley? He appears quite a lot in fanfiction, so it must be the bumbling idiot Suethors love to put down. Oh and one doesn’t ‘say’ a joke, but *tell* one. >
“And then I was like no! – I’m not an American, even if I act like one! - That’s a – mistake by the author who has the brain capacity of a - dune beetle!” Ron finished with a laugh. “Well he had to know. I mean I’ve have never heard of a straight O student at Hogwarts that doesn’t know what a dune beetle is.
< Ehm, I though O stood for Ordinary level, which is a D or better. So how can he get straight O’s? An O is not a grade; it’s a level one reaches in a subject. >
I mean seriously…” said Harry’s other best friend.
< I want to bet that this author is American, since all the *British* characters are suddenly acting like American teenagers. Funny thing is, according to her lack of paragraphs this is still fanon-Ron Weasly talking.>
Hermione Granger. Harry smiled. Here they go…he thought. “But look Hermione – as opposed to not-look Hermione-, he was just joking you don’t have to go and take it so serious!” Ron blasted out in mad tone.
< In mad tone? Is this a new music style or something? >
“Look Ronald I wasn’t taking it seriously! I was just …- acting like fanon Hermionine Granger -” Hermione said but her voice disappeared as Harry saw the cutest girl he had ever seen in his entire life.
< Enter the Sue. >
She was African- English.
< Hah, I just know the author was all; ‘Well it’s African-American, so I’ll just substitute American for English!’ >
With a chocolate shade of color.
< Definitely American. >
Long thick black hair glistened down her shoulder. She had large chocolate nut eyes that shined in the candle light. With silver rings and bangle bracelets piled up her arm she wrote with a delicate pen on a soft piece of parchment. Harry smiled – in a daze, already controlled by her Sueish powers -. “… So RONALD -,- DON’T TELL ME WHAT I MEANT! I mean ask Harry! I bet he understa- Who are you looking at Harry?”
< Hermione has the attention span of a toad, she switches subjects non-stop. >
She said staring at Harry.
< No she didn’t, she was *asking* something. Hence the question mark and all. >
Harry quickly turned around. “Oh. – I – Know - I just saw another - one -, another Sue, so -I was just…- trying to establish that I was right and trying not to get caught in her web. -”
he began going into a daze of seeing him and her snogging in the Gryffindor common room.
< Oh gross, Harry turned into a dimwit. He didn’t do this over Cho, he won’t do it over a Sue he’s just seen for the first time. >
“Oh!” Ron said in a tone like he was in a hurry. “Harry1 Quidditch tryouts!
< Harry2 was currently in their common room doing Harry’s homework. >
Remember?” He said in a quick tone. “I’m the Captain I can be late if I want too.” Harry said in a low voice smiling.
< No, you can’t. Team captains are supposed to set an example! Oliver would strangle you if he knew! >
But Ron gave him a quick smile as he hurried off to the field – knowing he should get away from the Sue as soon as possible. -.
< But? Why the but? >
Once Ron was out of ear shot Hermione whispered “I know who you was looking at Harry.”
< Hermionine has lost her ability to speak properly as well, yo. >
Harry fixed his eyes one hers.
< That made no sense whatsoever. I’d also like some paragraphs, but that must be asking too much. >
“so.” he said in a low voice – that showed canon-Hermione how much spell-bound he was already -. “She’s a fourth year Harry. Imagine how you’d look with a fourth year as your girlfriend? I mean Malfoy would ruin your life for good.”
< Yep, she’s a fourth year Harry. Everyone turned into Harry, even girls. Hermione, in fact, is a sixth year Harry. She just doesn’t know it yet. Harry must have plenty of clones walking around. >
Hermione whispered back. Harry glanced over at the girl who was quickly packing her bag and ran out of the great hall. “But Hermione…” he started then he looked up and said “What am I doing listening to you? You’re not my mom. My mom is dead!”
< No, really? >
He rose up. “I’ve got Quidditch tryouts to host.”
< And *now* he thinks of that, as the Sue left, great. >
He finished in a low and quiet voice. He grabbed his bag and left the great hall.
“Next… Stephanie Moore!”
< Aaah, look, a self-inserted American Sue! Want to bet the Sue’s middle name is – shock – Gail? >
Harry yelled as he checked off Palinda Dowstgood. Who had just auditioned for chaser. Horrible sight. Stephanie stepped up to Harry. That is the cute girl in the Great Hall. She smiled at him revealing her silver metal braces.
< Ten pounds to anyone who immediately knew that, no doubt, the Suethor has metal braces as well. >
“Um… I want to be a beater.” she said in a soft tone.
< A fourth year *girl* wants to be a beater? She must be very big and broad. >
He smiled. “Cool.” He glanced up at Luna Lovegood. “Release the bludger!” he yelled. Luna nodded at opened the locked box.
< That last sentence made no sense, whatsoever. >
A large round ball came shooting out of the box. Kicking off of the ground, she sped up in the air with a large bat inside of her hand.
< The ball did? Or was it Luna? >
She hit the ball for about a minute before knocking it back in the box.
< Just one minute? Can’t have done much, too short. >
She slowly swooped back down to the ground. “Wow. Amazing.” Harry said clapping – and not realising that he was clapping for a Sue! -.
< Of course she’s amazing, Harry, she’s a Sue! >
“Welcome to the team.” he said shaking her hand – and not deliberating with the other team members or giving others the chance to try too. -. She smiled. “Thank you Mr. Harry Potter.” she said. “You can just call me Harry.” Harry said. She creped up on her tippie toes
< Ehm, what was she doing with crepe paper? >
and kissed him on the cheek.
< *cough*slut*cough* >
“Thanks… Harry.” she said as she sprinted down the field to her friends.
< The Sue has friends we’ll never hear about, I’m sure. >
Harry smiled as he checked his list of the new Gryffindor Quidditch team: Pamela Doherty, Kimberly Vixen, Ginny Weasly Harry Potter, Stephanie Moore and Ronald Weasly.
< Poor fanon-Ginny has a horribly long name. Ginny Weasly Harry Potter. Where did Alicia and Katie go? >
Harry smiled quickly and soon frowned. What has he gotten himself into? The entire team except for him and Ron were girls. How stupid?
< Canon-Hermione: *whacks Harry over the head with his own broom.* >
Harry’s eyes opened to the cold room. He pushed himself up. “Ron?” he said in a shaky voice. His eyes were blurred. He reached over to his bedside table and grabbed his glasses. Shoving the – zit - on his face – away - he blinked. Ron was gone. He looked over at the clock. Eleven forty-five, Saturday. He jumped up out of the bed. Grabbed his robes on and headed down stairs to the common room.
< Ron would never go out without Harry. Period. >
He trave-l-led through the cold room – by car-. Onto the portrait hole and onto the corridor. Who was this Stephanie? She seemed to be more than a pretty face – even though I have no proof of that-. Nope. She’s more than that Harry, She’s the one. The one you’re going to spend the rest of your life with.
< Ehm, Harry? You have only seen the Sue twice; you have hardly said a thing to her. How about you slow down and rid yourself of that spell she’s woven? >
Harry thought. But what if she doesn’t like you? What if she has a boyfriend? I mean she’s pretty enough to have loads of guys to like her.
< Harry, she’s a Sue…you know this already. >
But she is a fourth year. Just like Hermione says! That’ll hurt your reputation!
< Why? This is not an American high school, to hell with reputations. >
But your reputation is already hurt! I mean you are Harry Potter! The Boy Who Lived! Saved the Sorcerers stone from Voldemort! Killed the Basilisk! Saved yourself and your god father from a swarm of demetors! Plus you won the Triwizard Tournament! Saw Voldemort come back! You’re Harry Potter!
< Yeah, all that will severely *hurt* your reputation. >
Harry was so into his thoughts that he ran right into someone, knocking her books, cauldron and scales out of her hands.
< She’s just stupid for carrying all that around. Ever heard of a bag? >
“OH! Sorry!” he said beginning to help her pick them up. He began to give them to her when he looked her in the eyes. It was Stephanie. “O-o hi St-st-stephanie.” He stuttered.
< Sues can make even Snape stutter *die Sues, die!*, so I can’t really blame him. >
Stephanie smiled as he helped her up. “Oh hey Harry. I was wondering if I could ask you something…” she started. “Oh! Sure. Anything.” He replied with a smile.
< Oh, Harry, I feel for you. >
“Oh! I was wondering if - she started but was interrupted by a familiar voice, “Hey Harry! Over here!” It was Ron. Harry glanced back over at Stephanie. “Sorry but my friends – are desperately trying to get me away from you, even though your Sueness is - calling me.” He said.
< Well done, Harry! You’ve been rude to her *and* you’ll run away, well done! >
“Oh. It’s okay I could ask you later.” she replied. “Thanks.” He said and ran off to see Ron and Hermione. “Who was that you were talking to?” Ron asked as Harry took his seat next to Ron at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall.
< Ron, you’re a moron. No wait, that’s Ron Weasly, fanon-fodder. I apologise. >
“Oh no one.” Harry replied as a plate of chicken and macaroni and cheese appeared in front of him.
< No, it was a two. Chicken with macaroni and cheese? How very..British. >
“Harry tell the truth. You were talking to Stephanie Moore.” Hermione said. Ron dropped his fork. “Stephanie Moore? That fourth year that has snogged like very boy in her year?”
< I knew she was a slut, haha. >
He asked. Hermione nodded. “Harry!” Ron asked.
< No, that’s called yelling. See the exclamation point, little Suethor? That means he’s yelling, sweetie. >
Harry glanced up at Hermione. Ron laughed. “Do you know what house she’s in?” Ron asked. Harry shook his head. “Slytherin!” Ron replied.
< Which is exactly why she’s on the ‘Gryffindor’ Quidditch team. -_- Oh the logic. Stupid author. >
“She’s in Slytherin! And plus… SHE’S A FOURTH YEAR” Ron asked. Harry sighed.
< She acts so Slytherin too. Not to mention that her name is a Muggle name and thus she’s not a pureblood, like most Slytherin are. >
Harry lowered his head. “Hi.” A voice said in surprise. And Harry’s head bounced right back up. It was Stephanie.
< I thought you told her you’d be going to your friend, Harry? You have a stalker! >
She smiled and waved at Hermione who gently waved back with a big smile on her face. Stephanie waved at Ron who just grunted. “What the hell do you want?” Asked Ron in a sort of evil tone.
< Oh look, it’s evil!Ron. I hate that type, it’s so not like canon. >
“Oh. I just wanted to talk to Harry.” she replied in a shaky voice. Ron rolled his eyes “whatever.” He mumbled under his voice. Harry smiled. “Hey Stephanie! I thought that you had Defense against the Dark Arts?” He asked.
< Which is why she was carrying things for Potions and why she has not mentioned this to you at all, Harry. >
Stephanie giggled. “Well, the Bogart refused to come out of the closet so Professor Lupin gave us the time off!” She replied.
< Lupin? Oh, he’s back? Or is this one of the earlier books? In which case her being a fourth year wouldn’t matter and Harry wouldn’t be Quidditch captain. >
Harry smiled. “Well... remember what I was going to ask you?” She asked.
< Since you hadn’t asked him yet, no he won’t. >
Harry nodded, “Yeah,” “Well. I was wondering if you wanted to- she began but was cut off by Hermione,
< Hermionine is being rude as well, this must be catching. >
“Ancient Runes! Stephanie, sorry but we have to go to class…”
< Ancient Runes? Only Hermione has that. >
Stephanie smiled, “Oh I know, I have the classes with you! See. I take both Fourth and sixth year classes!”
< Oh no, you don’t. That’s just crap. >
She said. Ron looked confused. “That’s impossible! – Indeed it is. - No one can be in two places at once.” Stephanie smiled. “See, Professor McGonagall gave me this Time Turner at the beginning of the term, so I can get to all of my classes. But you guys won’t know about that.”
< Which you aren’t supposed to disclose to others since it’s, eh, secret! >
Harry and Hermione smiled at each other. “Well. Can I go with you to class?” Stephanie asked. Hermione nodded. And they began to walk. “Blimey! You’re tall.” Stephanie said staring at the height of Ron.
< *grinds her teeth* Sue is starting to annoy me with her mindless chatter. >
“Six four to be exact.” Stephanie smiled. She turned to Harry. “Um Can I ask you again?” Harry smiled. “Sure.” He replied. “Well it’s personal.” She told him Hermione nodded and pushed Ron at least twenty feet ahead.
< “You see, Harry, I saw Hermione nod in the Potions lab and then she pushed Ron away so he ended up twenty feet ahead of her!” >
“HEY! What was that for?”
< “I don’t know, Harry, perhaps she doesn’t like him? >
“They’re going to talk… alone.” she replied and pushed him some more. Harry and Stephanie stopped dead in their tracks. “Yup what is it?” He asked in a calm sort of tone. But he was not calm. He was standing n front of the girl that he had the biggest crush on and hoping that she would leap onto him and they begin to snog.
< God, is a guy writing this? Oh no, it’s a girl. That’s so…ugh. >
“Uh… Let’s just say I have this crush on this guy. But he is way too old for me. But I really want to kiss him but it’s my first real kiss.” Stephanie started.
< Which is why I’m telling this to a guy I don’t know, I’m dumb like that. >
“FIRST REAL KISS?” Harry screamed.
< Smooth, Harry, very smooth. >
He couldn’t believe it. “I heard that you snogged like all of the guys in your year.”
< That’s subtle too. O_O >
Stephanie laughed softly. “The entire school thinks I’m a slut but I haven’t even had a kiss with a guy! I mean… I’ve been waiting for the right guy to come along and…”
< The fact that she finds this amusing shows that she really is a slut. >
she began. “I think I’ve found him.” Harry blinked. I knew it! She does like another guy! He smiled. “And you’re wondering what you should do.” he said. Stephanie nodded. Harry glanced into Stephanie’s large brown eyes. They moved a little bit closer. “Well… who exactly is this guy?” he asked in curiosity. “Well... Um… he … I…” She stuttered.
< This is so cheesy. God… >
She didn’t want to reveal the name of the guy in case the next day everyone in school would know and she’d be “the school slut” again.
< Because Harry’s known for blurting out secrets. >
Harry laughed. “Well, you don’t have to tell me. But just follow your heart and it will tell you where to go.” Stephanie laughed. Thanks very much Harry!” she kissed him on the cheek and ran off to her next class.
< I thought they were in the same class right now? >
Ron, Harry and Hermione sat in the Gryffindor common room doing their potions essay on Felix Fleiss.
< Oh my, where did my scene transitions go? >
Hermione smiled. “Ron, I didn’t like Stephanie at first but… I set aside our differences and we are going to be studying tonight together. She says that she is having trouble with divination. You know tea leaves.”
< First of all, Slytherin aren’t allowed in the Gryffindor common room, secondly, they wouldn’t want to be, thirdly Hermione doesn’t take Divination anymore and thus couldn’t help her one bit and fourthly, *deep breath* Hermione is too smart for all this. >
Hermione smiled. “She’s such a nice girl Ronald. – Instead of a nice boy Roland. - Why don’t you just try to be mates with her?
< Now Hermione has turned into an Aussie. >
I mean… do you like her?” Harry glanced up quick. “Do you?” he asked. Ron’s face turned red. “No! Why on earth would I like that damn slut!” He blushed.
< Now Ron falls for her too? What tripe! >
Harry smiled. He glanced up at the moon lit sky. Stars had filled the night. Hermione was packing her bags quickly. “I’ve got to meet Stephanie!” she said and ran out of the room
< All revolves around the Sue. >
“Ron, why are you so hard on her?” Harry asked. Ron kept writing but said; “Because she snogs like every guy in her year!” Ron dropped his quill. “What the hell is wrong with you? Did she cast a love spell on you? Or are you just like stupid? Harry, she is a fourth year, Slytherin and shall I please say it? SLUT! What is wrong with you?”
< Ehm, Sue? >
Ron yelled. Everybody in the room glanced up at them. Harry bent in a little closer to Ron. “I like her.” Ron stopped breathing. “But…” Ron started. “I know! I know Hermione still has a crush on me that is why I’m scared to tell her that I like Stephanie.”
< Did you *read* book six? >
“So… if you see a sun what does that mean?” Hermione asked. Stephanie thought for a moment. “Uh… your – trees are - going to – be – fell-ed due to lack of - joy tomorrow!” Stephanie said excitingly. Hermione smiled and nodded. She stared at Stephanie. “Umm… I know that it is none of my business but… what exactly did you and Harry do last night?”
< Hermione! >
Stephanie put down her quill and turned to Hermione. “Well. First I… I told him that I have never had my first kiss.” Hermione’s mouth dropped. “There is a rumor going around that you snogged like all o f the guys in your year.” said Hermione.
< All these fanon characters have so much tact, it’s astounding. >
Stephanie giggled. “It seems like everyone has heard that rumor.
< How many times have it been rumor instead of rumour? At least *try* to write in British? >
But then…” Hermione scooted closer. This was getting juicy. Stephanie smiled she knew that she was edging Hermione for nothing. Stephanie had a streak of slyness in her eyes. “And then he answered some advice for me.
< Alright, let me call this the stupidest story I have read in ages! Silly suethors. >