humor

After many years, a Jewish mother gets the phone call she never thought she would get from her openly gay son. "Mom, I've met a wonderful girl. I'm going straight, and we're going to get married."

Mom is overjoyed, but can't really believe things are that good. "I suppose it's too much to ask that she's Jewish."

Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from a very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family."

Mom is beside herself with joy, and says, "You don't know how happy you've made me. What's her name?"

The son says, "Monica Lewinsky."

Mom is silent for a moment, and then says, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date?"

The situation: You are in the Midwest, and a huge flood is in progress. Homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed.

You're a photographer, out getting shots for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.

You come across George W. Bush, caught in the middle of the floodwaters. He's clutching a tree limb and about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph as he loses his grip on the limb.

So, here's the question, and think carefully before you answer it.....

Did you know . . .

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

On average, a human being will have have sex more than 3,000 times and will spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.

Wearing headphones for just one hour will increase the bacteria in your ears by 700 times.

A shrimp's heart is in its head.

Cat urine glows under a black-light.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich that buried its head in the sand.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

More than 50% of the world's population has never made or received a phone call.

Rats and horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughtest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations implemented on July 16, 1969 make it illegal for US citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads are already married.

A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

In the course of an average lifetime, while sleeping, you will eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

Most lipsticks contain fish scales.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.