Completed June 23, 2001
The cracking of the fire, slow rustle of the grass in the wind, the hushed chirping of crickets, and my own breathing penetrate the night air.
Still, it is quiet.
Do you know what I miss most? Her breathing. The slow, deep, even sound of air giving her life as she sits next to me at night. And her laugh, the contralto tones washing over my spirit like a cool rain. I miss her warmth, the night is so chilled without her body pressing into mine.
Xena is here less and less now. At first, she traveled with me all the time, constantly talking to me over my shoulder.
Now, she appears dim, almost translucent and usually only pops in to tell me I need to keep my elbow bent more when practicing my drills. She's getting weaker, I fear, and I dread the day she doesn't appear at all.
I miss her. My life is so quiet now.
I don't talk anymore, don't whistle or even hum. Maybe traveling alone does that to you. I guess that's why Xena was so quiet all the time.
I fear I am becoming her, I am more the warrior now and less the bard. I can't even pick up a scroll without losing my temper and wanting to pummel someone. I can't read of our past adventures, it makes me too sad.
Maybe the real reason Xena is visiting less is because I've changed so much. Her Gabrielle, the one she loved and held so tenderely in the night is gone.
This Gabrielle remains. And I don't blame Xena, I don't like me now either.
This Gabrielle has no future, and living in the past hurts.