Wednesday, June 14, 2000
i'm feeling so depressed. i just don't want this anymore... i don't have the strength to do what i believe is right... and i don't want to be like all the lesbians who just take it... and right now, that's what i feel like doing... i hate that so much. i feel so spineless. it takes one person to say no, to mean something, but damn... when you stand alone you are seen as radical or a trouble-maker! i just want to be accepted right now, i don't want to feel outside of things. i want to walk around in my town with my gf and not feel the tension around us, or see the rednecked looks. i don't want to be afraid. pretending to be straight is soooo much easier than being who i truly am! i hate the polite smiles for political correctness, then the stabs in the back when i'm not within hearing range... i hate ppl not coming out so they can be positive role models for ppl like them who don't know what the hell they are doing (like me!!!). it's all b.s... they blame fear of losing their jobs, fear of whatever... but it doesn't make things better... it makes it harder on individuals who want to be open about who they are. such feelings of isolation. yet, today i am one of those spineless ppl. i hate that. i want to cry. maybe i will, i don't know. i hate that i don't like men... more than platonically... i want to try so hard sometimes... find a loophole in my reasoning that i don't find them sexually attractive. but i have yet to find it. i just don't want it... not today. haven't i been faced with enough to overcome in my life????? why the fk should i have this too???? it makes no sense. i want things to be ordered, to be sensible; i once thought there was order and reason to why things happen... it can help you get through the day, call it "a learning experience"... but right now, this lump in my throat tells me something different... there is no reason or logic to why i have to be like this... no rational reason why i am going to be ostracized, no reason why i am going to be hated, no reason why i am going to be doubted or criticized. i often see myself polarized in one direction or the other later in my life, (1) making a "dent" in the community... or (2) being chicken shit and not doing a damned thing... and being like the ppl i hate the most. (what you fear the most is sometimes what you become, right????). i do not want to be like everyone else. but today, i just don't feel that i have the strength or the energy to stand up for what i KNOW is right... that to change things, you just can't take it... you have to be willing to risk... but i can't help but feel bitter at times... those individuals who just take it, and they KNOW they shouldn't... they are educated, older... but yet they fear being who they are... what have they done for the rest of us??? many fit the stereotype, yet they say nothing. so, the rest of society thinks they must be ashamed of who they are. they are okay to be around as long as they don't become political or "out there." if they start to behave anything other than subhuman... dare to hold hands with their partner in public, wear an obvious commitment ring, don't play the pronoun game, show open affection, openly talk about gay-related issues, wear gay pride jewelry, etc., how fking dare they! they are a bad influence! they will turn our kids gay! they are diseased! hell, if ppl think that we are ashamed or afraid, don't you think that they will try to make us feel that we aren't worth being open about who we are?!? that our families (whether blood-related or chosen) aren't as important, that our rights as human beings and u.s. citizens aren't as important? as i said, i just hate all of this right now. i feel alone... angry with both sides. i just dont have the energy to fight today.
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Thursday June 15, 2000
amazing what a nice long cry will do isn't it??? i've been researching for my paper/presentation on internalized homophobia. cheered me up in a way. i don't feel the same as i did yesterday. amazing what screaming at a person you "blame" will do for you *thanks lynn*. i am mentally drained still from yesterday... but the intensity of my emotions are now back to where i think they should be. i still hold the same opinion that it is OUR fault each time we don't allow ourselves to be visable, we don't at LEAST stare down persons who make anti-gay statements. today i think i able to deal with a situation such as that if it indeed comes up. i am going to do "something" instead of just typing my bitchings. in about a month, i will be addressing the importance of safe environments for adolescents (and kids even younger), by defining internalized homophobia, detailing the roots of homophobia, the consequences of having school systems ignorant of the problems/issues faced by glb teens, and what can be done to better help these students feel safe and confident about who they are, so perhaps they may feel they do not have to hide (as much) because of the possible consequences that might follow. this presentation is very scary to me. i live in a very conservative area. i remember a few semesters ago i was terrified that just a paper on related issues would cause me to fail if the professor had homophobic views. but now, i am about to graduate... very very soon... and i have decided to go out with a bang so-to-speak... do a presentation that i actually believe in. take care you guyz!!! :-)
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Thursday June 29, 2000
i have been so busy! as i said in the last entry, i am writing a paper about internalized homophobia. by doing this paper, i have found WONDERFUL articles and URLS to list on the STUDIES page. i will post as soon as i can. by the way, i hope you like the new look (i made the logo myself... looks much better than the "out and about" clip art i think).
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Sunday July 2, 2000
hello! it is almost the fourth of july... yippee! i wore my gay pride
jewelry yesterday. i haven't done that in a while. if you don't have any,
try to find a shop close to where you live OR order online. i have a link
listed in my "ABOUT ME" page. it is unbelievable what you can buy with
rainbows or pink triangles! when i first started wearing the jewelry, i
felt very obvious. even if i were certain those around me didn't have a
clue what the symbols stood for. now, even when i don't wear any of the
jewelry, i feel just as obvious... i guess it's because i know, i'm no
longer testing the waters so-to-speak. i used to try to "blend," but i
was never able to do it. it is way too exhausting. it's hard enough to
try to be myself, but that's easier than trying to live a lie! so please,
even if you can only be yourself around one person, don't attempt to hide
during those moments you are with him/her. it makes life much more bareable!
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Wednesday July 5, 2000
as i think about my career plans that i have immediately after graduation, i
wonder about how i will respond if someone asks me what my sexual orientation
is. say for instance, i work in an adolescent treatment facility and a
client is gay/les/bi (or questioning)... and he/she asks me if i am. will i
say yes... if i think it will help that person? or will i do what so many
other people do, dance around the question? i know what i want to do... what
i know i should do (as long as it is in the best interest of that
individual), but will i really do it? or will the fear take hold: "what if i
lose my job?" etc. i have been told that if disclosure feels good, then you
are serving yourself, not the client. that makes sense, and i believe that.
on one hand, i want that situation to come up, yet on the other, i am afraid
of knowing my true reactions to the question. if i don't do what i believe
in, i will never forgive myself. the last few days have been filled with
these "what-if" scenerios: if i am asked about who i live with (by
co-workers or employer) wil i be truthful or play the "pronoun game?" to
somewhat answer myself, i keep responding to my worries with "what's the
worse thing that could happen?" honestly, i have no idea! why should i deal
with anything horrific in my life? but at the same time, why the hell should
i be like so many others and keep quiet, when i believe that is why there are
so many problems for us to begin with? i do know that even if you suspect
that someone is gay or lesbian, it is a wonderful feeling to be
trusted enough to be told... especially when you know that person is taking a risk by trusting you with that information. enough babbling for now, take
care you guyz!
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Thursday July 6, 2000
i am in a hopeless mood. i am on the outside looking in. i don't feel like i am "lesbian" enough to be accepted by fellow dykes. yet, at the same time, from the representation that i have seen recently, i have no desire to be like any of them. i am so fking angry! life should not be a constant battle plan. yet, that's what i feel like... trying to come up with the best solutions to end all of the ignorance. i'm so angry at seeing research that sheds light on a particular issue (ex. early exposure to gay/les teachers positively affects heterosexuals' views of homosexuality)... even so, nothing is accomplished... it's almost like everyone thinks, "well yes, in a perfect world we could come out..." but whatever happened to the philosophy "it takes one man (or woman) to stand up, to say 'no' to mean something"? i'm so torn. on one hand, i want a simple life... meaning peaceful... and on the other, i want to rip people's misconceptions apart... starting with gays and lesbians! i am so tired of seeing those I KNOW who are gay walk around in such a controled and contrived manner... walking around in public, yet so fking HIDDEN... NO ONE HAS TO DO THAT ANYMORE!!! i resent the looks of distain from them when they see my gay pride necklace... like i'm not supposed to be open about who i am. so i end up walking away feeling that no matter what i do, say, or feel, it is out of touch with everyone else, NOT just the straight people. i just don't fit. perhaps i have yet to find the right group... but i really don't think it would make a difference. i hate who i am right now, the anger that comes and goes... intense... mood swings that pass every five minutes. walking around pretending that i am so strong and that my life is great. because it's not. i'm 24, and i feel so old... run through it... it's becoming so difficult to be empathetic with other's people's problems when i am so saturated with my own emotions... or lack thereof. i've been told this will pass, that this is a mere transition. but my biggest fear is this transition will lead me not to a feeling of pride and survival... but to the boxed-in existence that i witness almost daily. i think about being gay 99% of my waking day... it affects my concentration, my moods, my self-esteem, my relationships. it is an obsession that seems to be a normal process... yet i wish the knowledge of this exempted me somehow. i don't see myself as a complete person with different "roles." i see how my being "gay" interferes with the different aspects of my life. i am incomplete. if someone were to ask me, "who are you?", my first thought is "lesbian" or "gay." not "college student," "daughter," "friend," "white," "female," etc. the focus is only on my sexual orientation. what happened to the rest of me??? i lost myself. enough purging for tonight, i have work to do :-)
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Saturday July 8, 2000
what the hell am i doing? i do what i can to stand up for my beliefs. i try not to go against what i think "should" be done. however, i now realize i have spent so much time placing my values onto others... which is never right. and i'm not even telling those who anger me why i am in opposition. i'm telling myself daily... the anger is killing me and causing me to lose sight of what life is about. i believe that life should be challenging, yet not be a complete struggle. i want to feel calm... happy... secure. i can't do that when i am judging the way others live their lives.
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Wednesday July 19, 2000
i think i am getting out of this funk. i thought it would get progressively worse, but for the time being, i am becoming more motivated. i am still sad, but it's not as extreme as it has been recently. thank g-d! these next few weeks are going to be the hardest i have ever encountered... i don't know how i will be emotionally... but i have some of my "fight" back... i thought it was gone. i need help dealing with some issues in my life... the whole lesbian thing *S*... and i readily admit to that. after i start taking care of my shit, i really want to start working as a volunteer on the weekends for GLBT organization. hope all is well for all out there in cyberspace!!! :-)
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Saturday July 22, 2000 ---------------------------------
Monday July 31, 2000 ---------------------------------
Wednesday August 2, 2000 ---------------------------------
font>hi all! i am in such a great mood! everything is looking better and better for me. in a week's time, life will be so different for me... i graduate for starters! :-) i no longer experience the dread of "my life will never be anything but average or mediocre." i don't why i am feeling so hopeful... i just know it is! it's so fking amazing this rush i've had since yesterday!
i am having extreme daily highs and lows. two hours ago i was on top of the world, now i feel like nothing is right, nothing is worthwhile. i still don't fit in. even though i am now in the "community" so to speak. i am so lonely. i am still standing on the outside looking in. a cliche, but i don't know how else to explain what this is like. it's awesome now that i can walk freely and ppl know "what" i am. that's true freedom. on the other hand, i don't yet feel accepted by those who are supposedly like me. so out in public, ppl may be nice to me... but i know it is somewhat superficial. so there is still a barrier. but with individuals who are supposedly like me, i feel no connection with. it's no different than it was in other glbt communities. i am so disappointed with life.
things are beginning to pull together... i think. i am beginning to make peace with my past, so to speak. :-) i don't feel as abnormal about who i am. today, i am truly and honestly PROUD. :-)