Kolchak Quotables

The Kolchak Motto

"Sometimes if you want a job done right, you just have to foul it up yourself." (The Devil's Platform)

In His Own Words

Undercover policewoman/masseuse: "Why do you wear those strange shoes?"
Kolchak: "Because I run a lot." (The Ripper)

Kolchak: "I promised I'd show up with a haircut, new hat, and pressed suit...but I lie a lot." (Legacy of Terror)

What Others Think of Him

Kolchak: "For reasons I have never been able to understand, Vincenzo was always confusing my reporter's clever ingenuity with what he calls high-handed lunancy." (The Ripper)

Kolchak: "Exactly what don't you like about this hat?"
Vincenzo: "What's under it." (The Devil's Platform)

Captain "Mad Dog" Siska: "Kolchak, you're really starting to...BUG me!" (The Spanish Moss Murders)

Kolchak: "What happened to 'I'm okay, you're okay'?"
Siska: "Well, to tell you the truth, you're not okay. The people in group therapy didn't tell me I was ever going to meet somebody as un-okay as you are." (The Spanish Moss Murders)

Vincenzo: "When you get back to the swindle and fraud stories, tell them about your employment here, which is one of the biggest swindles in memory!" (Firefall)

Kolchak: What does the candidate like?
Lorraine Palmer: Privacy.
Kolchak: What's it like living with Bob?
Lorraine Palmer: He's perfect.
Kolchak: I wish I were.
Lorraine Palmer: So do I. (The Devil's Platform)

Kolchak Wit and Wisdom

"Son, I've seen more dead bodies than you've had TV dinners." (Horror in the Heights)

"We all have rats, sir. You should see the one I work for." (Horror in the Heights)

"There's two things that just can't be rushed - anyone who is paid by the hour, and an office-building elevator." (The Devil's Platform)

"F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote, "The rich are different than you and me." They sure are. They got more money." (Bad Medicine)

Kolchak the Practical

(On the verge of being tossed out of a hostile Senator's office)
Kolchak: "Do you validate?" (Mr. R.I.N.G.)

Opinions on the Journalistic Profession

Kolchak to a receptionist: "Is there really anybody important here?"
Receptionist: "No, just reporters." (The Energy Eater)

Minerva Musso: "There's this boring little man standing here."
Kolchak: "No, you see, I'm a reporter."
Musso: "Oh, that explains it." (The Knightly Murders)

Vincenzo's Opinions on the Supernatural

"But Kolchak, why does our political expose have to have a dog in it?" (The Devil's Platform)

(seeing a typical Carl poorly-shot photo of the pelemafait)
"What is that, Salvador Dali's bar mitzhvah?" (The Spanish Moss Murders)

(seeing a picture of a rakshasa)
"It's Bonzo with fangs" (and a few minutes later) "As far as this story is concerned, it's bedtime for Bonzo!" (Horror in the Heights)

Cheery Office Banter

Vincenzo: "You know, I once thought of entering the priesthood..."
Kolchak: "Then the Inquisition ended, and all of the fun went out of it for you." (The Devil's Platform)

Vincenzo: "You should have been there, Carl. My speech got a standing ovation..."
Kolchak: "You cut it short, didn't you?" (The Spanish Moss Murders)

Kolchak examining a book on breeds of dogs:
Updyke: "The Kolchak family album?" (The Devil's Platform)


Captain Baker: "What's this...'diablero'? An Italian sport car?" (Bad Medicine)

Kolchak to a pathologist: "You must really enjoy your work."
Nurse Eisen: "A well-done autopsy is a joy forever." (The Energy Eater)

Kolchak: "You should meet my boss: he'd turn Buddha into a chain smoker." (The Vampire)

Entering a taxidermy store and finding a moosehead:
Kolchak: "Ah, Antonio!" (Legacy of Terror)

Kolchak: "I don't know when exactly I was in this office last. Someways, it seems like I never left. But no, that's not right. For at least a few days I was away, far away, in the hands of men with no faces and no names. They broke me down, broke my story down, telling me how it hadn't happened the way I claimed. At least, that's what I think they did, between injections. Memories fade fast enough without chemical help, but if I don't tell this story now, I don't think I ever will." (Mr. R.I.N.G.)

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