Remembering
Justin
Justin
Scott Buss was born on a Sunday morning, May 22, 1988.
He definitely was one of
God's
Angels. Hours after his birth, the doctor came and told us
that he believed that Justin had Down Syndrome. My first
thought
was, "We get to participate in the Special Olympics!". I didn't
care that my child was "different". He was still my child
and
I loved him from before he was born and I would love him all of the days
of his life and beyond. Little did I know at the
time
what my thoughts really meant. At one of Justin's check-ups,
the pediatrician thought that she heard a heart murmur. This
is very
common with Downs children. So we began our visits with a cardiologist.
Justin had not one but two heart defects.
He has
an ASD and a VSD which meant that his blood wasn't pumping properly.
So he had routine visits with the cardiologist
to monitor
how his heart was doing. Finally the doctor decided that we could
wait no more. Justin's heart needed repairing
if
he was to survive. So in January of 1989, Justin was admitted to
UCSF. Justin and Mom moved in for the long haul.
If the
surgery went well, Justin was expected to be there for at least two weeks.
Everyone's prayers were answered and he
came
through like a champ. He did so well that the doctor let me
take him home on the 10th day. So we thought that it was
going
to be smooth sailing from here on out.
Then Christmastime rolled around and Justin wasn't feeling real well.
He started having a lot of bruises and just wasn't
himself.
So I took him to see his regular pediatrician. She referred us to
a Pediatric Oncologist. That same day he performed
a bone
marrow aspiration. I was with Justin for the entire procedure.
I wish that I could have taken his place on that table.
The
pain that he went through was unbearable to have to watch. The diagnosis
was confirmed. On Jan. 5, 1990, we were told
that
Justin had Leukemia. The plan for treatment was laid out for us.
I never thought that we would lose Justin. This was just
another
battle that we would fight together. Justin and mom were in
and out of the hospital for the month of January for
treatments.
A Hickman Catheter was put into his chest so that his treatments could
be done through that instead of trying to
find
a vein every time they had to inject something. This was a Godsend.
Whenever we got to be home I would
have
to take care of the catheter. My 8 year old daughter would
always help me by getting out the supplies that we needed
and
handing them to me. It became our routine. T hen in the beginning
of February, we went back in for a blood transfusion.
Justin
was always running low on Platelets. It was supposed to be
a routine visit. On the night of February 5, I noticed that
Justin
was breathing differently. I called the nurse in but she said that
she didn't notice anything wrong. But a mom knows when
her
child doesn't sound right. So, since we were already both awake,
a transfusion was begun at 4:00 in the morning of
February
6. Later that morning when the doctor was making his rounds, Justin
was running a fever. The doctor gave Justin
until
noon to be rid of the fever and he would let him go home. All morning
long the fever stayed with him. Then, just before
the
doctor was due to come back, the fever was gone. I believe in my
heart that Justin knew what had to be done to go home. When the doctor
checked him, he gave us the okay to leave. As the doctor was writing
up his discharge orders,
Justin
sat up and pointed to our jackets. He wanted to go home.
When we arrived home, Justin had absolutely no strength. His daddy
and I kept trying to get him to crawl or sit up but he just
didn't
have the strength. So it was a cuddle day for all of us. That
night when I gave Justin his medication, for the first time he
got
sick. I figured that the medicine must have finally gotten to him.
But the remainder of the night Justin kept throwing up
whatever
went into him. My poor baby couldn't keep anything down.
I remember telling my husband that since Justin wasn't
feeling
well, I was not going to put him in his crib, but keep him
with us for the night. All night Justin kept trying to drink a
bottle.
As soon as something went in, it came right back out. Finally,
at some point, Justin was worn out. I put on his Lullaby
tape
that we always listened to and with Justin in my arms, settled back against
the headboard to try to rest.
As Justin lay there in my arms, he suddenly opened his eyes and in a strange
voice, called "Mom, mom, mom". It was a
voice
that I had never heard before. I reassured him that Mama had him
and I wouldn't let him go. Then he snuggled close to
me and
went to sleep. Little did I know that at that time, Justin was on
his way to Heaven. I put my head back and drifted off
to sleep.
I awoke at 3:00 in the morning and went to lay Justin down so that I could
use the bathroom. That is when the REAL
nightmare
began. My baby was limp and not breathing. I awoke my husband
asking him for help. I called 911 and waited for
them
to arrive. I knew in my heart that Justin was gone. When the paramedics
arrived, they tried to revive him but were unable
to.
They carried him out of our house and into a waiting ambulance but wouldn't
let either his Daddy or Mommy go with him.
By the
time we made it to the hospital, which was only about 10 minutes
away, the doctor had already pronounced Justin!
. When
we arrived, they took us back to a room to talk with the doctor who
told us that there was nothing that they could do,
He was
already gone before he got to the hospital. They led us into the
room where Justin lay. I went to pick my son up but
couldn't.
He wasn't my son, but a body that weighed so much more than Justin
had when he was alive. We sat there crying
and
talking to him. The hardest thing I had to do that night was walk
out of that room and hospital without my son.
Thinking back, I now believe that the voice that came from Justin
was him on his way to Heaven. It was like a far away
sound.
And I believe that was his way of telling me good bye.
I miss my son every day of my life.
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