Welcome to the show ladies and gentlemen.
I am at a loss of what to write. I need to think of funny things to say, so people will stay and read my page, and send me large quantities of money, and fizzy Haribo sweets, as opposed to laughing in a disheartening manner and sending me letter bombs, and liquorice.
I really hate liquorice.
Actually I hate a lot of things. I love a lot of things as well so don’t worry. I am not all hate and fiery storm clouds – no sir – I am also love and pink puffy candyfloss. Nevertheless, my hate list is really very long. I like to read it to people occasionally, and their eyes always glaze over after the first few pages (‘Ants’ to ‘Fashion mullets’), but then they remember that it is my job to find elements of life that produce emotions, which I can then transform into humour. Think of it like a shoe factory (don’t ask why, just do it). Raw emotion, be it rage, happiness, love, gluttony or fear of clowns is the leather (animal lovers can substitute tofu leather for real leather as you wish), which I then cut, and knead, and dissect, and transbobulate, and…um…I don’t actually know what else they do in shoe factories. Looking back, it was a pretty poor choice of analogy. Anyway, the emotion (leather) is turned into humour (shoes). That is the end of it.
My name is Eleanor. By day I am a mild mannered reporter. By night, I am a human possessing spider-like qualities. Wait, that’s Spiderman. In truth, by day I am a completely non-mild mannered student at Notre Dame “Über-catholic” Sixth Form College and matador training facility. By night I dream crazy dreams, and plan world domination. If you were to ask people what I am like, they will most likely mutter ancient blessings; make the sign of the cross and point towards an ominous castle on a hill, at which point lightning will fork across the sky. At least that is what will happen if you ask anyone on the set of the vampire movie ‘Van Helsing’ (“The worst film ever”).
If you actually want to see ‘into my soul’, you should just look deep into my eyes. This will almost certainly freak me out. I might even kick you in the knees. Alternatively, I will just wait and while you are staring, like a moron, deep into my eyes in order to try and catch a glimpse of the real me, I will be carefully going through your wallet for emergency snack funding. You have been warned.
So anyway: Welcome and aloha to the site. Please stay a while and enjoy the many weird and wonderful people and stuff here. The taskbar, to your left (or right if your eyes are on backwards) and that will lead you, like a moth to flame, to the many other pages of mine. Feel free to mosey on down to them.
Clicking on the heart stabbed pull of pretty pins below will take you to my "daily" weblog/journal thing, if you arent already sick of the sound of me.
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