04Oct2003

Well I'm listening to conference today. Hopefully I can have a good experience. I have been trying to live properly but sometimes I still despair that it is not possible to do it. I still think occassionally "Why try, I can't do it". Last conference Elder Holland gave a talk in which he warned/implied that parents in the church who hang back in their service or have some level of skepticism about the gospel may hurt their children's testimonies. See below and "A Prayer for the Children" by Elder Holland

"In this Church there is an enormous amount of room—and scriptural commandment—for studying and learning, for comparing and considering, for discussion and awaiting further revelation. We all learn “line upon line, precept upon precept,” with the goal being authentic religious faith informing genuine Christlike living. In this there is no place for coercion or manipulation, no place for intimidation or hypocrisy. But no child in this Church should be left with uncertainty about his or her parents’ devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ, the Restoration of His Church, and the reality of living prophets and apostles who, now as in earlier days, lead that Church according to “the will of the Lord, . . . the mind of the Lord, . . . the word of the Lord, . . . and the power of God unto salvation.” In such basic matters of faith, prophets do not apologize for requesting unity, indeed conformity, in the eloquent sense that the Prophet Joseph Smith used that latter word. In any case, as Elder Neal Maxwell once said to me in a hallway conversation, “There didn’t seem to be any problem with conformity the day the Red Sea opened.”

"Parents simply cannot flirt with skepticism or cynicism, then be surprised when their children expand that flirtation into full-blown romance". . . .

"I think some parents may not understand that even when they feel secure in their own minds regarding matters of personal testimony, they can nevertheless make that faith too difficult for their children to detect. We can be reasonably active, meeting-going Latter-day Saints, but if we do not live lives of gospel integrity and convey to our children powerful heartfelt convictions regarding the truthfulness of the Restoration and the divine guidance of the Church from the First Vision to this very hour, then those children may, to our regret but not surprise, turn out not to be visibly active, meeting-going Latter-day Saints or sometimes anything close to it".

When I heard this talk in April I was discouraged by it and felt criticized. I have continued to go to church even though at times I have not wanted to go. I haven't wanted to stop going and then have to explain to my children why. What does a parent do when they do not "feel secure in their own minds regarding matters of personal testimony"?

Last week in church I had a surge of anger and I suppose skepticism. It hurts to be so angry at the church but sometimes I just can't seem to do anything else. I don't understand why my anger surges so strong sometimes. I think last week I felt some anxiety about the upcoming general conference. I told my wife that I was not looking forward to being belittled again. I hope and pray that I don't feel belittled today. I get frustrated that there seems to be no place to get answers to my questions. Maybe I resent that I am going to have to exercise faith my entire life as a member despite having sincere concerns about unresolved issues that the leadership can't resolve or chooses not to.

I guess I shouldn't be writing this. Sometimes this blog just becomes a sounding board for my negative experiences. I haven't been as good about posting my good experiences in the gospel. My parents don't want me to continue with this webpage but I guess I want to cling to my gripes and offended feelings.