I went and spoke to the Stake President (1st counselor) tonight. He set aside 45 minutes for me and for that I am grateful. I told him about my struggles and he listened and asked me to make a goal to make an appointment to get help by the end of the month (see a psychiatrist). We spoke about my desire to be at peace living the gospel. –that I do not want to go on living it because I have to (i.e. living it because I think that is what I am suppose to do); I want to live the gospel because I want to. I don’t enjoy it very much because I am always thinking of my inadequacies (i.e. never feel free of guilt). He spoke of a transition that took place for him in regards to his hometeaching. He mentioned that he had not always been a good hometeacher. He ended up not going to visit some families because it was the end of the month and he didn’t want to go just to fulfill his duty. He said he made a choice not to go and got to a point where he didn’t care what others thought although he felt bad when he got called at the end of the month and had to report he didn’t see someone. He now feels bad that he misses a visit because he knows visits in and of themselves benefit the family. He makes choices and lives with them and doesn’t worry about what others think. He also has a better attitude in regards to serving to meet the family’s needs.
The president knelt with me at the end of our visit and voiced a prayer in my behalf and told Heavenly father that he desired to use his faith and my faith to feel more of Heavenly Father’s love & influence in my life. I can’t remember all the words he said but I appreciate the fact that he recognized and understood my concerns and prayed for me. He counseled me to read the conference talks with my wife. He says his wife’s perspective has helped him learn a lot about the gospel. The President is a convert and said for him the concept of talking to God through prayer was very new to him and it took him a while to get answers to prayers. He thinks that his prayers were sincere in regards to trying to find out that the gospel was true but it took a while before they were answered. He thought the Lord was testing is desire to receive an answer by not answering him immediately. I need to keep praying about my concerns. I hope I can strengthen my testimony in regards to God’s love for me understand how to have a relationship with Christ. I made this appointment tonight because I wanted to show the Lord that I am serious about trying to be close to him. I have a long way to go but I pray that my desire to progress won’t wane.