I just got back from church. I hate church some days. Today was such a day. I just go because I have to. I’m a coward, I guess, because I want to avoid explaining to my kids why I don’t want to go to church. Last week I went to church for the above reasons and also because recently I have felt a desire to keep trying to go. However, I still had fleeting thoughts about how I would like to stand before the congregation and shoot myself.
Today, I didn’t experience those suicidal emotions although I did feel a lot of anger and resentment. A quote from today’s Priesthood lesson:
“We should not be sluggish and dull and careless and indifferent; but as the ancient Saints were exhorted, so let us exhort you today -- contend earnestly for the faith once delivered to the Saints [see Jude 1:3]. . . . “ (from Teachings of Presidents of the church, John Taylor, chapter 1, page 7).
Our Elder’s quorum president said some words in relation to this quote that I wanted to write down. Paraphrasing: He mentioned that living the gospel half-heartedly is the worst of all worlds because you have all the challenges and difficulties of living the gospel without any of the blessings. He said you have to meet a minimal amount of requirements (or make an effort) to have joy in the gospel. He also compared it to water skiing and down hill skiing. The faster you go the easier it is to stay up on the water or make a turn on a steep slope, respectively. While going to slowly (i.e. avoiding gospel responsibilities or just living the gospel in a minimalist way) makes it extremely difficult to not get dragged through the water or carve a turn.
I must say his comments make sense. It makes me wonder if I have been living the gospel half way for the last 10 years. I don’t think I have, but it would be accurate to say I am at this time. I’m truly sick of trying. Thinking about studying the scriptures feels me with dread. I’m so sick of it. My prayers are suffering too. I don’t have much will to try anymore. My Elder’s quorum president is my current home-teacher which is nice. He hasn’t missed a month since he was assigned to our family. He is a really nice guy. I however, have started to waver in my commitment to doing home-teaching.
glorybower2@yahoo.com