I just finished reading some news on the Salt Lake Tribune's web page. The Temple Plaza is a hotly debated issue right now. I am glad that the church has stated that they encourage members to develop their own opinions on the subject. I think the church should let the city retain the easment and let there be a location for protest and expression of 1st ammendment rights. I liked the way the downtown was before the plaza was built. However, the big advantage I see for the plaza being there is safety. So many tourist visit Temple square and surrounding buildings it is appropriate to have a park there. But gosh let's let people protest our church all they want. It is such a great thing about our country that we can protest freely. Shouts through megaphones don't show up in wedding pictures.
Below is a letter in which I expressed my feelings in the form of a letter to Elder Richard G. Scott after his recent conference address in October of 2002. I still have a lot of these feelings but do not expect a reply because the brethren are so busy. I sent it anyway because in conferences you often here the general authorities read from letters they receive (so there is some hope that he'll read it).
My former Bishop recently told me that the brethren are so busy that letters to them from members are often refered back to the members local leader. If so I hope my local leaders will tell me so I can hopefully get some help.
Dear Elder Scott,
Thank you for your recent conference address. I hope you will forgive my intrusion upon your time. I doubt you will even see this letter since you probably get swamped with mail. I wanted to contact you after hearing your quotation of Alma 36:18 in which Alma cries out to Jesus and is freed from the pains of his sins.
I have been a member all my life but have recently begun struggling in my attempts to stay active. I am thirty-five years old and have grown weary of trying to live the gospel. I feel like it is hopeless to try anymore. The reason I contact you in regards to the scripture you quoted in conference is because I have been pondering this scripture for quite a while and have yet to come to an understanding of it. I am jealous of Alma in this scripture because Alma prays directly to Christ. I feel like this is something I am not allowed to do since we have been commanded in the scriptures to pray to God in Christ’s name. Alma appears in this scripture to have a direct interaction with Christ. I feel like all my attempts to develop a relationship with Christ are entirely indirect through prayers to Heavenly Father.
I no longer hold a temple recommend because I feel uneasy answering affirmatively that I have a testimony of the atonement (since I always feel guilty). I imagine some form of pride keeps me from answering yes. I wish to have a relationship with Jesus Christ but don’t know if that is possible. For so long in the church it seems that no matter what I do I find ways to feel guilty for my imperfections. Even though I have felt the spirit at times I have never been able to equate that with forgiveness for my sins. I don’t recall in my life ever feeling peace in response to specific prayers for forgiveness.
I have recently been diagnosed with disthymic disorder (a chronic form of low level depression). I guess this explains part of my problems with guilt and perfectionism. As I look back on my mission I sometimes feel bitter that I experienced very little joy. My mission president told me I was one of the two strictest elders in the mission. I was very obedient and worked to the point of illness on my mission. If I was five minutes late out the door to go work it would ruin my whole day because I felt unworthy of having God’s help that day. To make a long story short my mission experience is a window into how I view my life (always finding ways to feel guilty despite making strong efforts and working hard). I have grown tired of feeling guilty about every little thing. Until, I started taking medication for my depression I felt intense anger and resentment while attending church. This has led me to ask ‘where is the joy in the gospel’? I still have a difficult time attending church but my bad feelings are not as intense. Yet, I have not stopped attending church despite occassional desires to do so.
I needed to let you know of my struggles to feel the love of God in my life and obtain a testimony of the atonement. I do pray everyday so I must believe in God. However, my ears are plugged, I guess, and have difficulty hearing his response to my prayers. I feel very little hope that I will ever be happy in the church. I can’t live up to all that is asked of me. Despite my best efforts I could always do a better job. I get so tired of hearing how we will obtain blessing ‘if’ we are faithful. There are so many conditions set upon our salvation I feel no sense of confidence that I will ever measure up to the commandments, especially the directive to be perfect. I am in contact with my Bishop and am working on these problems but I needed to write you too. Best regards,