I haven’t written in a while. I attended our stake center two weeks ago to hear some of the conference talks. It was interesting. I am a bit curious about why, at times, I felt intense bitterness while listening to some of the talks to the point of wanting to swear at the speakers. It didn’t happen for all the talks, thank goodness.
Saying that (“thank goodness”) reminds me about a story I heard while attending a church meeting in Moroni Utah. A speaker there (I think it was a former seminary teacher) said he cringed every time he heard someone say “thank goodness”. He contended that when one says this phrase one is taking the name of the Lord in vain. I assume he contends we are saying “thank God”. Anyway, just a thought I’d mention it. There are many levels on which you can be criticized by speakers in the church. I hope this guy never judges me in heaven (or anyone else for that matter), I wouldn’t stand a chance.
I think it is likely that I took some of the conference talks to personally. I assume I took much of counsel as if it was criticism leveled directly at me. I don’t exactly have a contrite heart at the moment do I.
There were some quotes I appreciated though. I list a couple from President Hinckley’s talk about loyalty.
1. Each of us has to face the matter—either the Church is true, or it is a fraud. There is no middle ground. It is the Church and kingdom of God, or it is nothing.
2. Every man in this Church is entitled to the knowledge that God is our Eternal Father and His Beloved Son is our Redeemer. The Savior gave the key by which we may have such knowledge. He declared, "If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself" (John 7:17).
Quote 1 – I wish I could make it this simple in my life. Hopefully I can. I get hung up on the little inconsistencies and paradoxes found in the gospel however. This week I got hung up on the priesthood lesson on integrity from the John Taylor manual. There is a lot I like about John Taylor. His tribute to Joseph Smith in the Doctrine and Covenants section 135 has always moved me. The lesson talked about how important integrity is and how much of it John Taylor had. However, all that came to my mind was article of faith number 12 which states – “We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring and sustaining the law”. If John Taylor believed this why did he not yield himself up to federal authorities when they sought to arrest him for charges related to polygamy. Instead he went into hiding, was not subject to our country’s law in this instance. Does this show a lack of integrity? I have the same concerns in regard to Joseph Smith. It is my understanding that he entered polygamous relationships with married women. Wasn’t this a disregard of our country’s lawfully established marriages.
Quote 2 gives me some hope that I can have a testimony about God and Jesus Christ. I have equated repeated struggles with guilt as lack of a testimony of the atonement in my life. I still have concerns that I will have a difficult time gaining a testimony of Christ. I have been a faithful member of the church for 35 years to the best of my ability. However, I have taken offense that I continue to feel intense worthlessness for myself despite doing pretty well in the church. I would never judge anyone else as harshly as I do myself. I am not sure how to follow John 7:17 better than I have. It makes me question the church at times and wonder what do I have to do to be at peace with being a member.
I spoke with my Bishop a couple weeks ago. It helped some. I told him I have reached the point where I just can’t accept all that the brethren have said in the past in regards to some things. Joseph F. Smith is one in particular. He spoke strongly against evolution. He attempted to explain the existence of some fossil remains by saying that they arose by some sort of de-evolution. I believe he contended that man can de-evolve through sinfulness and depravity and that may be how some of these fossils arose. Men can de-evolve but they can’t evolve. Anyway, I can’t be a full member of the church if I have to accept everything that has been said. I told my Bishop that if the church doesn’t have the guts to canonize it I am not going to get to worked up about it. I’d go crazy otherwise.
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