Today church was interesting in a way, at least Priesthood was. Sunday school was not interesting. We learned about Christ’s birth and childhood. I felt no feelings during the lesson –it was dead time for me. I think I am still very frustrated about understanding the Savior in my life (have given up on trying for the time being).

I read the priesthood lesson beforehand and was looking forward to asking a question during the meeting. A large portion of chapter 2 (The Everlasting Gospel, Teachings of Presidents of the Church, John Taylor) dealt with how the gospel is everlasting and unchangeable. I asked for comment on this because the gospel does appear to change (examples include polygamy, the priesthood, the temple ceremony, etc.). People had comments on this and I don’t know if I agree completely with what they said but it was interesting. Some of the answers dealt with the theme encompassed in the following quote from the lesson:

It is true mankind have not at all times been susceptible of receiving and appreciating the same degree of light, truth, and intelligence that they have at other times. God has in certain instances withdrawn the light of his countenance – his Holy Spirit – the light and intelligence that proceeds from him – in a certain degree from the human family; but his laws are immutable and he is the same eternal, unchangeable being.

Thus I would have to believe that polygamy is not in force now because we are not ready for it. I’ve been taught that the church discontinued polygamy to preserve the church because our country’s laws won’t allow the practice at this time. People commented in the meeting that polygamy will be lived again (the Elder’s quorum president joked by saying not to tell our wives). I would also have to believe that my Dad’s generation was not ready for Blacks to have the priesthood (i.e. racist). Is that right? Or did God direct the church leadership to not allow the Priesthood to be given to all worthy males because to do so would have subjected the church to further persecution?

The law of consecration was mentioned as being a law revealed but then retracted because the membership was not capable of handling the commandment. The example of Nephi decapitating Laban (contrary to the commandment not to kill) was also mentioned.

The take home is there will be many things that I will never understand about Mormonism in this life – get used to it. There will always be trials of faith in this regard I think. After this life I hope I will be able to get the answers to my questions. I feel this is a burden, and wonder if I will ever just give up and finally not believe in the church/gospel. I’m not to that point yet but I am bitter about many of these things and sarcastic.

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Tonight I went to a Stake Priesthood meeting. The first counselor in the stake Presidency asked us to pray in our hearts if we hadn’t been touched by the opening prayer. I did this, and it was very difficult for me to do. I prayed that He would help me not feel resentful and to be able to feel during the meeting.

We were counseled to pray to know from Heavenly father what we can do (now) to help feed Christ’s lambs. The fist counselor also said we can develop confidence by doing simple things. Start with our own hearts – and know that what we want will determine whether we will have the companionship of the Holy Ghost. Doc. & Cov. 11:21 was quoted “Seek not to declare my word, but first seek to obtain my word, and then shall your tongue be loosed; then, if you desire, you shall have my Spirit and my word, yea, the power of God unto the convincing of men”. We were promised that we can count on this blessing if we are studying the scriptures daily. The counselor closed by encouraging us to seek for the opportunity to be involved so we can qualify for the great blessings of the Holy Ghost.

A young man spoke about his efforts to earn the Duty to God award. He felt challenged trying to balance school and sports with his efforts to achieve this award. However, he had gained a testimony that by sacrificing a little of his time to his religious efforts that the other pieces of his life fell into place in a way that he didn’t feel he could have accomplished on his own.

A bishop spoke of the great need for home teaching efforts, especially in regards to part-member families. He told us that if we know and love our families and keep track of them and administer the their needs we will be blessed.

The last note about the meeting I wanted to note was that of the Stake President’s talk. He mentioned Alma’s description of the sweet peace of the atonement in Alma chapter 36. He mentioned Alma’s teachings of the atonement to his son Corianton (who had sinned). Alma must have had an effect because we learn in chapter 49 verse 30 that Corianton and his brothers were teachers of God’s word. The point of the president’s talk was that just because we are not an effective servant at the moment doesn’t mean we can’t become effective servants of the Lord in the future. He was encouraging us to keep trying and to repent of what we need to become better servants.

I did feel in my heart that much of what I heard tonight (if not all) was true. My prayer was likely answered, in other words, I think I felt the Holy Spirit. However, I was close to tears at times because I still feel so overwhelmed and alone. I wish I knew how to be everything I am suppose to be – and how to be at peace with myself in the process.