I’m so damn frustrated I thought I would write a little bit here. Walking home from work today I mused again over my life in the church. It has been very difficult for me lately and sometimes I just want to walk away from it and try something different. I’m 35 years old and what has the church done for me – given me low self-esteem and made me feel guilty for my entire life. Where is the joy in the gospel? I haven’t found it. I went visiting nonmembers with the missionaries within the last few weeks and met this nice woman who sounded somewhat interested in the church. Her main desire was to be united with a faith where she could go each week and feel friendshipped. She really wanted a friend. She has been to several churches and her daughter went with her once and waited in the foyer because she didn’t want to go inside. As people exited no one said hello to her except an old man who encouraged her. She enjoyed his conversation and concern. However, the girl resented all the old ladies who passed her (and looked at her funny) and had no desire to go back. My gut feeling is that this woman, if she decided to attend our church would not “find a friend”, even though our church espouses that every new member needs a friend (so does every member!). The church keeps us so damn busy we don’t have time for friends. I haven’t had a good friend for years in the church, not since seminary or college. There is no time, what with family home evening, church callings, hometeaching, temple assignments, ward dinners, scouts, family scripture time, personal scripture time, companion study time, etc. It doesn’t end, yet we are not doing all we can do if we aren’t involved in the community either. The woman I talked to wanted a friend that wasn’t just a “Sunday” friend, but someone she could interact with during the week, and call quite often. She’d never find that in my church if my experience is any indication because we are all to busy trying to be what the church wants us to be. I don’t know what to do. I have been in this ward since July and nobody has ever hometaught my family except an initial visit by the Bishopric (which was nice by the way). Who really cares???? No one. Why? There just isn’t time. I feel a bit guilty writing this but I resent the guilt too because I don’t know what to do. I’m not supposed to murmur, because good members don’t do that. There is no accountability in the church. We are just supposed to accept everything as from God. Paul Dunn’s talks used to be from God but now we know he was just good at inspirational fiction. But his stories always made me feel like “gosh, I wish I could be a missionary like he was and help people join the church”. Ya right. Was he ever truly a successful “member missionary”? I want to enjoy living the gospel not be burdened by it. I desire to enjoy living the gospel. I want to live it because I want to and because it is fulfilling. I don’t want to keep going because it is what I am supposed to do. Yet I don’t enjoy it on a regular basis, I am resenting it more frequently. A couple months ago I went through a wave of resentment towards “the church” and then the feelings went away and I could go to church again without wanting to kill myself while I was there. I just went and could let it all flow over me and just not feel anything; I just went and was there. The resentment has resurged in the last week.
We go to the temple as young men prior to missions to make covenants to be faithful to the gospel. Then we go with the hope (by the church) that we will be converted and remain faithful through out our life. Yet by and large most young men make these covenants prior to being truly converted. Yet in my case now I can use these covenants to make myself feel guilty so that I will remain faithful to the gospel. I haven’t broken the covenants, not a one. Although when I tell an authority in the church that I am not happy the first question is going to be “Are you keeping the commandments?” you can bet on it. It is just the general assumption. He must be sinning if he isn’t happy. That’s what I have thought of myself for a long time. I punish myself internally for the slightest mistakes. I’m not a sinner. What if church doesn’t make one happy? Maybe I just have a depression problem. I feel like I will never be a “Nephi” I will always be a “Lemuel”. I don’t know how to get the faith in my life that confirms to me in a fashion that I can truly believe that I can . . . can . . I don’t know what. Do I not have a testimony of Jesus Christ? Do I not believe that God loves me? Can I ever live happily with myself? Am I going to pass this fu….. complex on to my kids!!!! (Oops guilt, I swore dam’ it). I guess I am a sinner. What’s the point? Why not just kill myself? I might as well I sure don’t want to go back to church at the present moment. But I will. I’ll be there this Sunday because that is what I am supposed to do. What a trap. I’d rather work on the yard, but not really.
After cooling off for an hour or so, I must say I have been comforted by a couple conference talks I have read in the last week or so. One by Elder Wirthlin entitled “One Step After Another” and one by Elder Scott called “The Power of a Strong Testimony”. One by Elder L. Whitney Clayton also seemed good for me; it was called “Help Thou Mine Unbelief”. All the articles are in the November 2001 Ensign.