I wrote the previous journal entry because I thought it might help me if I expressed my emotions in writing. I have a long way to go. I acknowledge I am a sinner (contrary to what I mention above). However, I don’t think I am a “pro-sinner”. Last night I stayed up till midnight watching for the most part pure garbage on the TV. I felt it today because I felt inclined to visit sites on the internet that are off limits. I guess that’s what you get when you watch trash, the temptation to find more. I’m glad I was at work so that I really couldn’t do that since my computer is in a public place. I will admit I would like to watch some rated R movies and I am sure I would enjoy immersion in pornography in the short run (followed by immense guilt). I wonder if that will ever go away? It seems to me it won’t and therefore I get depressed because I can’t reach that state of existence where I don’t desire to do evil, where in fact I abhor it.
I felt more at ease today than a couple days ago (Less resentment and anger). I think I am just too tired out to harbor those emotions today. The other night if I had kept writing one thing I may have written about is my question in regards to why God gives us commandments we can’t keep. I suppose it’s to keep us pointed in the right direction, so we keep trying to reach worthy goals. However, it certainly is frustrating when you interpret 1 Nephi 3:7 literally, and then expect yourself to live up to the commandment to “be ye therefore perfect. . .”.
I often have a difficult time going to bed because I just want to fill my brain with something so I don’t have to think. TV=no mental anguish. I also think it is my way of rebelling and doing what I want to do.
I got a good result at work today in the lab. I have been working at getting this result for months and I finally got it after a lot of failed attempts. Although it felt good I felt guilt for criticizing the church two days ago in my writing (see above) out of fear that God would withhold his help from me in accomplishing my work. I desire his help and feel like I must stay worthy in order to obtain his help in my career. My patriarchal blessing counsels me to seek to be noted for the exactness of my training. I lean toward going into academics because of this line in the blessing. However, I fear it may be a mistake because I feel so much pressure right now to do well in my research that I don’t think I could handle the pressure of teaching and doing research at the same time.
It really takes a lot of faith to be a member of this church. There are so many unanswered questions, so many things that do not make sense – and thus try our faith. If I die and there isn’t an afterlife, what a drag. Although, in other ways that would be great because I could live without guilt if I knew for sure.