This last week has been difficult. I threw up my hands again and participated in things I shouldn't have. I gave into the temptation to view pornography on the internet. I feel bad for the following reasons:
1. My wife told me doing this would destroy our marriage. I screwed up a couple months ago and told her that I had spent the day at work viewing pornography. I felt like "Why not? Who cares, I can't live the gospel anyway. " I feel hopless at times and lack any desire to try and follow the teachings of the church. What good does it do me anyway. Anyway after this happened a couple months ago, the very same day I confessed to my wife so I could seek her forgiveness and make a fresh start so I wouldn't repeat this mistake (the first time in ten years of marriage I had done this). The very next Sunday after this incident I also confessed to my Bishop so I could begin the repentence process.
However, despite these confessions I slipped again. I fear I will begin a cycle of transgression and repentence not unlike before my mission when I had troubles with masturbation.
2. I fear that my voice of expression on this web site will now be tainted and scoffed at by members of the church. I feel people will view my expressions as "simply a consequence of a sinful life." I sin a lot. Who doesn't. But I also feel intense guilt. That defines my existence in the church. Guilt overrides any joy I feel. The joy I feel in my life comes mainly from doing things with my wife and family (such as outings to rockhound, hike or get out of the house). Of late I haven't experienced those happy feelings while attending church with my family.