7-15: 25W5D - Well my OB Appt went well today. I am measuring 35 weeks. That seems SO huge. But he did point out that even though I had only one baby growing I was still carrying two. I feel better about that. My GTS was 138 so no three hour fast! Whoo Hoo. My total weight gain for this pregnancy is 14 pounds. So that's not so bad considering I am measuring so big.

I felt confident when I heard her heartbeat and he even felt her move. I had some weird changes in my breasts (one being bigger than the other) and he said that was normal.

So I am waiting to go back til Brian gets home and we will schedule my next U/S then. He did say if I want to come in sooner to call him. I am still pretty weepy. I LOVE feeling Salem move. But everytime she does I also think of the other baby and how I should be feeling both of them move. It's been a lot harder than I thought. I am mentally planning out a memorial service but that's been just as hard. But I don't want to wait til it's too late and then throw something together. The hardest thing is just planning for one when there should have been two and the heartless things people say. I know most of the time people mean well but trust me when I say sometimes it is better to just not saying anything at all.

He did say my cervix is completely closed and we will wait to do the nonstress test at the next appointment. And because my cervix has continually stayed closed he said he thinks I am out of the woods (although he can't guarantee it) on preterm labor. He said if I made it to 35 weeks we would schedule the csection between then and 37 weeks.

With baby things we haven't bought much. My baby shower is planned for 9-7. I have bought an over the shoulder baby holder sling and a few onesies but I think I would rather wait and see what we get at the shower. Brian said he will finish her room when he gets home.

We got a digital camera so soon I will be snapping shots of the room and me (I am huge) and posting them. Right now the camera is with Brian in Brazil. So that's my update. I need to get back in the groove of posting here especially since I am home on bedrest. Also I plan to rework some of the pages to make a memorial for Brenna (the original triplet and Salem's identical that died early on) and the angel I am still carrying. The good news is I am 2 weeks away from my 3rd trimester. So, God forbid, if I did go into early labor she would have an excellent chance of making it. That is VERY reassuring! :)

6-27: 23W1D - My OB appt was uneventful. I am measuring 31 weeks, Salem's heartrate was easily found and my cervix is closed. My antibody tests can back negative. Basically it's my emotions that are getting the best of me. Dr. T thinks Salem will be fine. Alot of this is based on my cervix staying closed, the fact that she is thriving and that she is in a different sac. I will still be checked often. I won't have an appt next week due to the 4th but will go back the next. I will have a cervical check, schedule a U/S with the maternal fetal specialist, do my gestational diabetes test and start the non stress tests. He said continued bedrest was up to me. He thinks and Dr. Tabor the specialist agrees that physically things are fine. I am thinking of taking another week off and going to half days. I was going to half days at 30 weeks anyway so this is just a few weeks earlier than that.

He did suggest I talk to a grief counselor. I am unsure about that. At least not yet. I know this sounds crazy but I don't want to feel better right now. I want to grieve. Plus I don't want to trick myself into feeling safe. I just don't know what to think about all of it. It's not like I won't have to deal with it when the babies are born.

I've posted the most recent U/S of Salem here!

6-19: I was in to see the specialiast and they didn't make me wait thank god. We got a much better shot of Salem and she is doing wonderful. Measuring right on target and weighing about a pound. She was moving around and basically seeing her move seem to take a heavy weight off my heart.

The other baby is definitely dead. I guess I was kinda of secretely hoping somehow they were wrong. KWIM? It was SO much smaller than Salem. Dr. Tabor said he the baby could have died several weeks ago but I know I felt both babies kicking and I heard both heartbeats before I sent my doppler back. He just said that usually (as far along as I am) if it had happened recently I would probably be having problems with preterm labor. Which I am not. My cervix is closed.

I was tested for anti cardiolipins and lupus anitbodies and some other things that can cause repeat MC's especially in 2nd or 3rd trimesters. I will probably have those back tomorrow or Monday. If I am positive for one of those there is treatment.

If not - we may not know what happened. There are definitely different placentas so that isn't an issue.

The baby that died is laying low on my cervix. So I will be checked each week to make sure my cervix stays closed. The Dr. thinks there is everyreason to think Salem will be okay.

Another thing they will watch for is coagualation problems. Sometimes when a baby dies in utero it releases "something" - I can't remember exactly what - into the mother's bloodstream that causes coagulation problems. So those are the main two risks. Also - I am pretty much guaranteed a csection due to the high risk nature and the fact that the baby that died is almost right above my cervix.

So now we are trying to stay hopeful. I can't say I am dealing with it well. Neither is Brian. I want to be happy. I want to feel like I did yesterday before that U/S. Now I am terrified that something will happen to Salem. I just can't bare that thought.

But we are trying to focus on her. Her name means peace and basically that is what we are getting from her.

I will see my local Dr. probably weekly and the maternal fetal specialist at least once a month. The Dr. also briefly mentioned ended the pregnancy and of course I wouldn't listen to that. I can't.

Thanks for your prayers. We still need them. Also I am going to take a few days for myself. Probably no computer, no phone no nothing. Please don't worry.

6-18: 21W6D - I have good and bad news. This is going to be real blunt because I am trying my hardest to keep it together and I just don't know how else to say it. I am just at a loss right now. Brian and my sister were there (mom didn't get to go).

Baby B is perfect. She (Yes it's a girl) was moving constantly and had a heartrate of 132. Her name is Salem.

Baby A is dead. I just don't know what else to say. There is definitely not a heartbeat and the baby is laying near my cervix.

So of course there are now issues. #1 when they died, if they will trick my body into preterm labor, etc. being so close to my cervix, etc. He sent me for bloodwork to see if I had the Lupus anticoagulant and the anti cariolipin antibodies. These can cause miscarriages in second trimester and still birth. But for now my goal right now is NOT to go into labor.

So Dr. T is starting to see me every week and I am being referred to a specialist in Ft. Worth (2 1/2 hours from home) - I think she's called a maternal fetal specialist. She comes to Abilene several times a month but I have them worried enough that I have to go see her in Ft. Worth tomorrow and then I am on bedrest at least a week just for emotional reasons if not other reasons after I see her.

The good news is baby B is WONDERFUL. And I am trying so hard to concentrate on that. And my cervix is long and closed.

Anyone reading my diary please pray. I am devastated but am trying to stay as hopeful as I can for Salem and my sake. I've already lost two. I can't lose another. I don't think I can handle it.

6-13: 21W1D - I had an OB appt today and everything went well. No problems thus far. I am measuring 30 weeks so I am starting every two week appts now! EEK! :) I only gained 3 1/2 pounds though.

My U/S is Tuesday the 18th at noon! I was so hoping to get in this week but they are overbooked cause one of their machines went down so they are trying to do all their appts on one machine! :( I did hear both heartbeats! Things are wonderful!!!

I also got approved for Medicaid yesterday. Which really suprised me. First of all I have insurance and a decent income even though Brian is in school, so I never thought to apply til I applied for WIC and go turned down. The lady there told me to apply for medicaid that they had different guidelines and could take off our mortgage, bills etc out of our income. I was like "yeah" right but did it.

Well I got approved. They will pay what my insurance doesn't pay (even my $3000 part if I have to have a csection) and now WIC has to approve me! Whoo Hoo!!! The OB doesn't take it as a secondary insurance but the hospital does so that with the WIC will really help us out! That's it for now. I will post more Tuesday. Send me some open leg vibes so I can see what these tummy bugs are!!!

6-8: 20W3D - I think I felt the babies move while watching TV last night. Well at least one of them. It's hard to describe but it felt like a musle spasm at first that just kept on at an intense ticking!!! I felt it again later in the night. I was SO excited. I was stressing over it.

Then today I felt it again (with a softer feel to it) on the other side. WOW. I am really pregnant!!!!! Thank you Jesus.

Marica - I think I was a little over 7 pounds. I have no clue about Brian. We'll have to ask. We have 3 cribs. 2 for their room and one for our room where they will sleep together for a while. I probably will want them in the same room with me til they are at least sleeping through the night. Thanks for the input on the diapers but I am pretty positive this is the right choice for us! :)

Also I have an OB appt next Thursday and we will schedule my US. Hopefully it will be the same day (they usually are but one has been 2 days after my open). Send me some open leg vibes so we can tell the sexes! I SO want to know.

Also - I am slightly considering the name Cara for a girl. It means lovely I think. I still LOVE Salem and Brenna but Brian keeps saying Brianna (which I don't like) and I just thought of how cute Caden and Cara would be together for a boy and a girl.

5-31: Well I am now 19w2d. Almost halfway through. Considering I am having twins I know I am halfway there. LOL. I got terrified for a short minute cause a friend on an expecting multiples board has made it 38 weeks and I read a story where another lady had 2 8+ pound babies! ACK! My goal is to have a vaginal delivery but 2 8-pounders? EEK! The Dr. told me I could have a vaginal baby as long as the bottom baby was heads down. Am I repeating myself?

Well the baby's room is coming along really nicely. The paint is finished and the molding. Now we need to decide about carpet. Then I will start decorating. I was worried about what to put on the walls (not a lot of wallspace but I wanted it to match the lamb theme) and I found these:

I may not get all of these but I will frame and matte them similiarly. Aren't they cute???

I've gotten a lot of my cloth diapers in. They are SO cute!!! :) I can't wait. I need to take some pictures but I also need to take a new belly pic and get the new one and the old one up! Still haven't done that! LOL. So hopefully soon!!! I think I am feeling little flutters but I can't really tell. I am definitely feeling something but I guess it could just be gas! LOL!!!

5-25: Guess what? Brian graduates in December and we were worried about him finding a job that paid enough. I've always wanted to be a SAHM but I've been the breadwinner for 5 years. Well the guy where he works part-time (a landscaping & florist co) asked him if he was quitting after he graduates. Brian said he might have to and that he needs a certain amount of money cause our ultimate goal is to let me stay home with the babies if it all works out. Well this was a couple of weeks ago and the man came back to Brian yesterday and offered him Plant Service now with a $2 an hour raise (where he takes care of private business accounts) and in the fall when he graduates this would work into partime plant service with a helper and partime marketing for new plant service and landscaping contracts and he is willing to pay Brian what he asked for. That amazed me. This guy makes a ton of money but he's known to be stingy at times. So that has to be the grace of God. So I am excited knowing I may not have to go back to work. I won't count my chickens before they hatch. Anything could happen between now and then. But with the cost of infant daycare for two and the knowledge that this will be my only pregnancy I really have a strong desire to stay home. So hopefully this will work out. We will have to wait and see. If I do get to stay at home I plan to work on ebay and help with the valet business starting in January so that will bring in extra cash as well. And we are hoping the stipend Brian gets at church for youth pastoring won't end even though he may not be able to actually be in the office during the week. Brian's new job will be 8-5 M-F.

Other than that I am just anxiously and excitedly awaiting to feel the movement. Dr. T said it should happen soon!

5-16: 17 weeks 1 day. I had an appt today. I am measuring 23 CM, we said no to the AFP test, and we heard the heartbeats even though they were moving A LOT from the sounds on the doppler and we would pick one up and they would move, etc.

The CTS in my left hand is pretty bad so he gave me a brace and we will see if that helps. He's worried that it's hurting so bad so early so he said if it doesn't improve he will send me to a physical therapist for a more sophisticated brace and.

I lost 1 pound to make my gain a total of 3.5. I thought it was more then I realized I was adding in my IVF weight gain. They aren't counting that. He's not worried about that weight gain or lack thereof 'cause I obviously growing. Plus I am overweight and he said overweight first time mommies tend to gain slowly.

My next appt is June 13 and we are goingto schedule my U/S then! Sigh! I wanted it in May but I can wait! Depending on how we're growing then I may go to biweekly appointments.

I am real emotional at the moment. I had such a great appt this morning. Got to work and am feeling great and went to check an expecting multiples group that I belong to and one of the ladies I have felt closest too lost her twins last night at 20 weeks. They couldn't stop labor. Basically all they could do was hold the babies til they died. They were identical girls.

My heart is broken for her #1 and I am partly grieving for her. But my emotions are irrational now. I am getting those worried feelings I haven't had since I lost the third baby. I really need to get a handle on that.

5-9:OK first to answer questions in my guestbook:

Yes we are attending a child birth class but I haven't sheduled it yet. And I will attend a breastfeeding class as well. And my wonderful friend Reshae is making the quilts. Her's are wonderful. We have one high chair so far. We will use disposables for a while but will cloth diaper as well. I will talk about that in a bit! Crocheting? My hands hurt WAY too bad for that. My Grandmother in law has made some baby blankets though. Yes I will get one that doubles! :) I will just try to make due til later this summer. Hi Kelli - I will check out your name site soon.

OK! After having the weekend from hell with a sinus infection (among other non health related issues) I am feeling much better and actually slept 5 hours last night! Whoo Hoo! :)

We rented a doppler from Heartones. I LOVE it! :) It took us a while to find Baby B but we did. Korie really enjoyed listening to the heartbeats while here and Brian's dad and step mom and my mom loved it as well. :) I will only keep it the month though. I should be feeling the babies move soon anyway.

Brian is already working on the room. The tangerine walls look fabulous if I do say so! I will post pics soon. I am trying to create pages for belly shots and nursery pics but haven't been up to it lately.

Yes you did hear me correctly. We are going to cloth diaper. I've talked to 3 moms of twins who CD (cloth diaper). I am going to use disposables at first and work on establishing breastfeeding first. Then when that is going well and I am getting some sleep I am going to cloth diaper during the day from 8-8 and then use disposables at night and then eventually cut over to all cloth diapers except on trips. I am really excited about this. We can save at least $150 a month, it's better for the babies and needless to say better for the environment. Also - if you have an old fashioned idea of cding (clothdiapering), read up on it. :) It's changed IMMENSELY! :) I will also be creating a page on that and what we plan to get, etc. So if anyone out here CD's, email your ideas! :)

Other than that things are pretty uneventful. I have an OB appt week and will schedule an U/S between week 19-20 to try and determine the sexes. I can't believe I am almost halfway there.

4-26: No news is good news right? I am feeling good. Still pretty tired but in my 15th week (will start my 16th on 5-1) and can't believe how quick it's really going. I forgot to mention that at 13 weeks I measured 14 weeks so that made me feel good that I wasn't way above where I needed to be. I am still fighting headaches occasionally but the claritin helps.

We picked out the paint for the babie's room and will go it and the molding tonight. I am creating a page for the nursery but there isn't much to put up except a pic of the quilts that are being made. Here it is. The fabric on the outside is not the pink/orange/yellow with dragonflies. It's a marble type of tangerine and the paint we are getting for the bottom half of the walls is a tangerine, the molding will be yellow and the rest all white.

We also want me to stay at home. Which I am glad for. I did call and get on the list for a daycare I like locally though because Brian doesn't graduate til December and I will need to come back to work in early January and I don't know if he will have a job by then. For now I am the breadwinner. But at the most I just think it will be a couple of weeks to a couple of months. I do love my job but with the costs of daycare compared to my low West Texas income I just can't see that it would make sense plus Brian and I feel strongly about having a parent at home. I will probably try to make money from home doing computer work, etc.

Other than all that - everything else is status quo. I have 2 pairs of pants left that I can wear that aren't maternity! LOL. So tonight we will go shopping for a maternity bra (the one I have is killing me) and some clothes!

4-19: I meant to update yesterday but I forgot! I forgot! Whatever! I can't believe I forgot! LOL. On this page I am going to put the most recent entries on top. May make it easier. Anyway - we heard both heartbeats! YEAH!!!! I was practically held my breath til I heard them and then I cried!!! :) And Brian looked as sappy as I did!!! :) I go back on May 16th and in late May or early June we will try to find out the sexes. In the meantime I am going to do work on a page for the nursey and our plans.

And about belly shots. I will take some soon! But I might put them in a password protected photo album (long story but some of you know I had pics stolen on the net last summer). So then you can email me for the password! :) And if I don't know you guess what? You don't get the password! :)

4-16: Whoo Hoo!Guess what? We are officially in the second trimester now! :)Yippee!!! The MS has almost all passed. Some foods still make me queasy (like Mexican - I am still mourning the loss of my favorite foods). My worst battle has been fighting a sinus headache since Sat. It's killing me. I have an OB appt on Thursday which is also mine and Brian's anniversary. We will definitely get to hear the heartbeats. I can't wait!!! That's it for now. Oh yeah - we did get registered at both BabiesRUs and Target but I think I am going to change the stroller. I've seen some really poor opinions on the one I chose. Who knows! I will update again soon.