| **keilab's daddy and i decided last year, 2001, that we were ready to add another member to our family and try for that little girl that we did not have*** we had had two boys already, keilab's brothers, Zane who is now 4 and Ian who is now 2*** well i had found out i was pregnant about May 2001*** i took a home pregnancy test and it came out positive*** i did not tell Michael right away*** i wanted to tell him in a unique way*** something besides just saying, "Hey i'm pregnant."*** so the next day i called the flower shop and had them deliver to his work 3 carnations*** two blue ones for the two boys we already had and one carnation that was half blue and half pink*** some balloons were sent also*** well we had it confirmed at the doctors office that i was pregnant with a due date of 20 January 2002*** at 20 weeks we had our first and only ultrasound done*** we were told everything was fine and i wanted to know what we were having*** we did not know what our first two babies were until they were born*** but i wanted to know because if it was a girl i was gonna have myself fixed*** i have to have c/sections so might as well have it done since i am already cut open*** michael did not want to know if it was boy or girl so i made him turn his head while the tech mouthed to me that it was another boy*** i did everthing to hold back the tears*** i thought if he saw me cry than he would know it was a boy*** we had discussed girl names before i had the ultrasound but no boy names and then again i figured if i did that would also give it away*** well because i did not discuss boy names with him, he thought it was a girl*** i had a healthy pregnancy and no problems*** i did have cramping that i told the doctors about but they said it was ligament stretching*** now i look back and wonder if the cramping was something else*** well the date for my c/section was scheduled for 12 january 2002 @ 0730*** i have had c/sections because my oldest got stuck and did not want to come out after 26 hours of labor and then my second child because i had had brain surgery 11 months before i had him*** well my two other boys stayed with my mother-in-law while michael and i got up the morning of the 12th for a very exciting day*** little did we know*** **i was preped for my c/section and the cutting began*** as i layed there with my husband at my head, cold and eagerly awaiting for my baby i hear the doctors say there is the head*** i then wait to hear the most beautiful sound, Keilab's cry*** i look over at my husband to see his reaction when he saw that it was another boy*** i saw him hang his head for what i thought was because it was another boy*** little did i know it was because of what he saw*** keilab was born at 0802 am*** keilab had stoped crying and i asked if he was ok*** the doctors said yes but that he had a bilateral cleft palate and lip*** i had no idea what they were talking about*** i asked, "what is that?"*** my husband asked me if i had ever seen a person with a scar above their lip and i said yes*** that still did not totally explain to me what it was*** as i lay there on the O.R. table i looked to my left to see my baby*** the only thing i can remember seeing was his umbilical cord and noticing something was not right about it*** i did not ask questions then*** i then heard something i did not want to hear, WE NEED TO GET HIM TO NICU. HE NEEDS SOME OXYGEN*** keilab was taken away and i told my husband to go with him as i had told him to do with the other two boys when they were born*** so off they went*** as i lay there i asked the doctors if i would be able to nurse keilab and they said probably not*** he would have to be tube fed*** that was a blow to me because that was my bonding moment with my children*** because of having to have a c/section i never got to feel them layed on me after they were born*** so when i was able to nurse for the first time and feel their skin next to mine was whe i felt a love go through my body that i cannot explain*** well i lay there as they are puting me back together asking questions and crying*** they told me keilab's cleft palate and lip could be fixed with plastic surgery*** i was taken to recovery where i finally asked the nurse about keilab's umbilical cord*** i was told his intestines were comming out into his cord*** she said that it could be fixed*** so i am thinking to myself, ok my baby has a few things wrong, he will be fine, all of these things can be fixed*** i made phone calls to my mom and my mother-in-law*** they told me the same things the doctors did*** everything could be fixed*** i was still worried about my baby and wanted to know what was going on with him and how he was doing*** it seemed like forever*** my husband finally came in*** i could not tell you how long it had been* it seemed like it had been forever they rolled my bed into NICU next to Keilab's bed*** he had all kinds of things hooked up to him*** it was so hard to lay there in a bed and not be able to hold my baby*** the side of his bed was pulled down so that i could touch him for the first time*** i could not stay long*** i was taken up to my room where i asked when was i gonna find out what was wrong with Keilab*** when was i gonna be able to see him again and hold him*** i was told it would probably be a while before i would get to hold him*** as far as finding out what was wrong with him, i would have to wait for the neonatologist to come and see me*** he would be the one to explain to me what was wrong*** my husband stayed a little while and then left to get the boys and his mom*** it seemed like forever*** the neo doctor finally came to see me*** i could not tell you the time but i believe it was after 1200 pm*** a nurse was in the room when he came in*** a nurse i will never forget*** she sat by my bed as the doctor told me that what was wrong with keilab was more serious than what they had thought*** i started crying*** he told me that Keilab had what he thought was TRISOMY 13*** a term not in my vocabulary*** he then explained it to me*** these children don't usually walk, talk or feed themselves*** he said not only did keilab have the cleft palate and lip, his intestines comming out of his cord but also two sores on the back of his head*** all of these signs led him to believe keilab had Trisomy 13*** he said a test would be done but that he was 99% sure without the test that is was Trisomy 13*** the biggest blow was to come next*** these babies don't live past their first year*** our baby was gonna die*** i felt like someone had just taken a two by four and smaked me across the head*** this was all a dream and could not be happening to me*** i had had two other healthy boys, why would this one be any different*** i asked what would cause keilab to die*** he said either pneumonia or apnea*** he said when my husband got back that he would explain everything to him*** just have the nurses page him and he would come right up*** he looked at the nurse and said,"get her down to NICU to see her baby and let her hold him"*** the nurse sitting next to my bed gave me the one thing i needed*** a shoulder to cry on*** someone to hold and cry*** i then had to make the worse phone call in my life to my husband*** his mom answered the phone and she asked what was wrong*** i told her and she said she would tell michael and they would be to the hospital soon*** as soon as i got off the phone, i looked up towards the ceiling and prayed to God*** "GOD I PUT LITTLE KEILAB IN YOUR HANDS AND WHAT EVER YOUR WILL IS, THAT IT BE DONE"*** while waiting for my husband, all these thoughts went through my head*** i told myself i would not let myself get attached to him*** then it would make it easier on me when he died*** i did not want to take keilab home to die*** i could not take him home and watch him die*** i did not want those kind of memories in my house that i had to live in*** i was afraid of waking up one morning and finding him dead in his bed*** one of the faces i needed to see, walked right through the door*** my husband!*** he came over to me, my eyes met his and we both cryed as he gave me a hug*** the doctor was called right away and he came to explain things to my husband*** my husband and i both knew what ever happened that it was God's will*** we went down to see keilab for the first time since i had him*** that is when i first sang "Jesus Loves Keilab"*** i bent down to kiss him and that is when i felt that unexplainable love go through my body from head to toe*** and there was no way i could not get attached to this precious little boy*** that was our baby and i was gonna let him know that his mama loved him for how ever long he was gonna be with us*** i remember holding him for the first time*** i did not hold him for long because i was scared i was holding him wrong or in a way that would hurt him*** the machines seemed to go off more often while i held him than when he was in his bed*** all i wanted to know was could he hear me*** i wanted to see him respond to my voice like my other two boys had done after they were born*** i was not sure if he could hear but a nurse dropped something on the floor and Keilab's little body jumped*** all i could do was thank God because then i knew he could hear me*** he was so swollen and could not open his eyesthe first time i saw him*** but i remember when he first opened one of his eyes*** he would mostly only open the inner corner of his right eye*** he did eventually open both of his eyes but just the corner of them*** we watched them feed him*** he was fed every three hours*** he would get fussy when it was feeding time and that was the only time we would hear any noise out of him*** i would pump milk for him and take some down every time i went to visit Keilab*** he was only eating 20cc***he hadn't pooped yet and was urinating allright*** the day he finally pooped we were so excited*** i've never been so excited over someone pooping*** i would sing Jesus Loves Keilab every time i would go down to visit Keilab*** my mom flew in from Texas and when she would visit him she would hum Jesus Loves Me to Keilab*** she did not even know that i sang that song to him*** it was hard to pass the nursery where all the other babies were and hard to hear the babies crying in the next room*** Keilab had a surgery his first night in NICU to put his intestines back inside*** anyways we were told not to expect the test results back until wednesday the 16th Jan 02*** well we got them back on monday the 14th*** michael and i were down visiting Keilab when the doc came to tell us the results were positive for Trisomy 13*** i remember bending down to kiss Keilab as tears rolled down my face*** i felt like we were just gonna play a waiting game but i knew it was all in God's time and all in God's hands*** we knew God gave Keilab to us for a reason*** whether it be for a short time or long time*** we knew it could have been possible for God to give us a little miracle baby that beat all odds*** i was discharged on Wednesday the 16th and that was the worse feeling leaving the hospital empty handed*** i cried the whole way home*** before leaving we were told that keilab could probably come home that weekend*** something i never thought would happen*** my husband , myself, my mom & keilab's brothers went to see Keilab the next day*** the boys were having their footprints done on paper*** all 3 of them*** keilab had moldings done of his fist on the 18th*** on that day my husband & i also learned how to insert Keilab's feeding tube & how to operate his oxygen tanks*** we were prepared for a happy & scarry moment*** i remember asking my husband one time if he wanted to bring Keilab home*** he said he had to for himself and for the boys*** we brought Keilab home on the 19th of January 2002*** Keilab weighed 7lbs. 1 1/2oz when he was discharged*** we were not told how long to expect him to live*** we just knew what we were told, that he would probably not live past his first year*** so we would take him home and just take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day*** his two brothers, his granmma lyons and his baba, (my mom), were waiting for him at our house*** i was very excited to have Keilab home but scared also*** his gramma and baba both held him*** i wanted to do the things you do with a new baby*** put his new clothes you have for him on, hold him watch him sleep*** i changed his clothes that first night home into a green carters bug gown with the matching onsie*** it was scary doing that because we have to take his oxygen off of him in order to change him*** we had a scare that night with his belly button*** it was bleeding and we knew not what to expect after his surgery or if that was normal*** well it was fine*** Keilab was fed every 3 hours*** when we brought him home he was eatting 55cc*** his daddy and i took turns tube feeding him*** keilab would fuss if we were not right on time and as soon as that belly started getting warm with some of mama's milk he would settle right down*** sometimes he would try to stick his fist or thumb in his mouth to suck on*** his baba would sit and let him try to suck on her finger*** he did not have a fully formed palate so it was hard for him to but you could feel his little tongue trying to*** i loved when he would open his eyes*** i would just talk to him*** anytime he would cry i would jump up to make sure he was alright*** i am just typing little things i remember about having Keilab home*** it all happened so fast, a lot is a blur*** my mom fell absolutley in love with him*** she slept on the couch by his room and was the one that got up with him when he cried during the night*** Keilab loved to be held and my mom helped with that*** she spoiled him those few days he was home with us*** besides fussing when he was hungry, he had started fussing because he wanted to be held*** my mom was always there to pick him up and she would hum Jesus Loves Me to him*** Keilab loved being held*** he had the sweetest spirit*** i loved to see him smile*** that picture will never leave my head of him smiling*** those first two days at home we just held him, loved him and would feed him*** the morning of the 21st i had just gotten out of the shower and my mom told me that Keilab had given her a scare*** he turned blue and she rubbed his chest to stimulate him and he started breathing again*** that was about 1130 am*** i remember the nurses would rub his chest when his monitor would go off in the hospital, so i thought nothing new*** well Keilab layed there on the couch as my mom and i were talking*** we had talked for about 15 minutes when i looked down to see Keilab blue*** i was so scared*** i had never seen him turn so blue*** i jumped up screaming to rub his chest and nothing*** michael was sitting at the kitchen table and came over to the couch*** i ran into the kitchen and fell to the floor hysterical*** i remember screaming,"NO KEILAB!"*** my mom was in the kitchen with me and i remember telling her that i had not held him yet that day*** she told me to go hold him but i just did not want to hold him while he was blue*** i did not want that memory*** 911 was called and they came out*** Keilab's heart was still beating*** he was just not breathing*** now at the beginning of Keilab's life story my husband and i knew that Keilab was in God's hands and God would take him when it was time for Keilab to go*** i thought i would have been ready for this time*** i did not expect it to be so soon*** as i am sitting at the kitchen table i hear a little sound*** it was Keilab letting out a little cry*** i could not believe it*** he started breathing on his own*** i finally went over to see him and sat on the floor by the couch where he was laying*** my husband wanted me to hold him but i told him i did not want to*** he asked why and i said, "i don't want him to die in my arms."*** he told me that was the best place if he was gonna die*** i finally picked him up and held him like never before*** my mother-in-law had been called and showed up*** i had asked my mom to take Zane and Ian to the neighbors house across the street*** my husband and i sat on the couch with Keilab*** he kept having spells of apnea*** everytime he would stop breathing i would rub his forehead and sing JESUS LOVES KEILAB*** my mother-in-law would check his heart every time he would stop breathing*** it would drop down to 20-30*** and every time we wondered if that was the last time, our little fighter would start breathing again*** i hated to see him have to keep doing that*** it was hard but sometime during that day i told Keilab it was ok to go and that he would be in a better place*** his daddy also told him it was ok*** we believe it was his little heart that kept him going all that day*** you see the doctors told us he had a strong heart*** one time during the day not long before Keilab passed, we were sitting watching him and all of a sudden he raised both arms straight to the ceiling put them down and did it two more times*** it was suprising to us because Keilab did not move a whole lot from the time he was born*** the thought i like to have in my mind is that Keilab saw Jesus and was letting Jesus know that he was ready to go*** keilab opened his one eye and looked at his daddy and i*** i closed his one eye because i did not want him to pass with his eye open*** but as soon as i moved my hand away he opened it right back up*** he wanted to see his daddy and i*** that was the last time i remember him opening his eye*** he had stopped breathing again and my mom came into where we were sitting and i asked her to go get some scissors*** she went and got them and i cut some of his beautiful, dark, red hair off*** she asked how he was doing and i told her he had not taken a breath in a while*** she went and got my mother-in-law to check Keilab's heart beat*** she looked up at us and shook her head NO*** she said let me check one more time*** she checked and shook her head NO again*** Keilab passed away @ 802pm in his daddy's arms and me sitting right next to them*** keilab was in his daddy's arms all day that day*** He had been offered for someone to take Keilab and he said, "NO! if he is gonna die, he is gonna die here in my arms"*** Keilab stayed in his daddy's arms until the funeral home came to pick him up*** the man came to pick Keilab up in his own personal car because he did not like to pick babies up like they do adults*** i asked where he would put Keilab*** he said he would wrap him up and lay him on the seat*** i asked if he would let us put him in his carrier and take him in that instead of him lying on a seat*** we put Keilab in his carrier wrapped him in the blanket he had been wrapped in all that day, put his little teaddy bear with him & i gave him a kiss, his daddy gave him a kiss and then both his gramma and baba gave him a kiss*** i gave the carrier to the man and followed him out the door and my mom and i watched him drive away*** my husband and i wanted a little girl when i found out i was pregnant with Keilab*** ***i would not trade him for the most beautiful girl in the world*** |
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