Brought to you by Within the Ark Ministries............
Are you a christian woman {or man} dealing with issues concerning re-marriage and blended families? Do you need encouragement and confirmation that your marriage does count, and there are no penalty points because you "failed" the first time? Read this account of a blended family experience and know you are not alone in the blended family boat! I will, in this account, share as honestly as I can- our own experience...
Disclaimer: This account depicts one account of a blended family and is in no way offered as a set pattern or as concrete methods involving blended families. This account is offered only to offer support.
When I was young, growing up along the coastline of Maine and Massachusetts, I used to be fascinated with the tide pools along the rocky coast. These were spaces between the rocks where creatures of the ocean would become stranded once the tide went back out. There was always something different in each pool, which made exploring them individually a unique experience.
With that thought in mind, we find in life that many families are like these tide pools. The occupants start out in different places in life and are carried by the tide to unknown and often exciting locations. I’m talking about the non-traditional family. When I refer to traditional, I use the rationale of human kind as a measuring stick that is often misused.. I’m talking about one man, one woman and 2.5 children, who remain together, applying God’s rules, and living relatively happily-ever-after. Perhaps happily-ever-after is an exaggeration, but it is exaggerated to make a point.
More and more we see families that have missing parts, or with new parts. Our own family is a blended family and we have also struggled through the troubled marriage and divorce and remarriage of one of our children. So we have been on both ends of the proverbial stick . But let me say right off the bat that we, my husband and I, do not believe in "http://www.oocities.org/godswillgodsgrace/divorce.htm" But our former spouses did, and that is the way it is lots of times. Had they not wanted out of the marriage there is a good chance we would have remained with them even to this day. Therefore, this focus is dedicated to addressing issues that come up for blended or broken families, and to reassure them that they are not inferior to the traditional family. You know what? We are the traditional, God-centered, family...
There it is obviously a need to reach out to others who may struggle with the same issues that we have struggled with. As one Christian woman being the product of divorce and remarriage, I would like to address this to other Christian woman who are the product of divorce and remarriage. Although I am focusing on women and the family because I am a woman, men can gain from this too. So we’re not leaving men out.
In the beginning God saw that man needed woman. {Gen.2:18}
Man was not complete until God provided woman for him, and it is probably safe to say that the woman would not be complete without man. Although man/Adam had God as his companion, he was incomplete in his human form. This process of forming woman was a need and provision for that need provided by a perfect hand. This was a relationship that was established before the fall. This union, and need for this union, was originally perfect. We know the story. The serpent tempted woman. She wanted to know more than what she did, and we ask where was Man while all this was going on? We know that they both played the blame game in Gen. 3:11-13.
We must ponder a moment and see that apart from God’s relationship with His people, the love relationship between husband and wife was formed before the fall of man- during a perfect season without sin. Therefore, the marriage union, being formed before the fall is a perfect, is a God-ordained institution and that can't be said about other institutions. This applies to one time married people and also to those that have remarried. Though the people within this institution are not perfect, the institution itself is.
This explains why most {not all} people are lonely and incomplete when they are not married, or if their marriage is struggling. There is a perfect need for that union. When we marry, it is an attempt to fill that need and a great deal of emotion begins to play out within the course of a marriage. Most of it is self-absorbed and for those marriages who survive and thrive, they learn through time to work through this self-absorption and to die to self. When you have two people putting the other first, it is hard to go wrong. When this is not implemented, it becomes a formula for disaster. Unfortunately this is how we land in divorce court, or within a marriage where the couple lead two entirely different lives, and where needs are not met. It may be that both parties are extremely self-absorbed, or one half of the couple. But we do know that each party to some degree will be caught up in self-absorption until they give it over to God. Regardless of who does what, and regardless of whether one spouse does not want divorce and the other does, it often happens. The Christian community is as susceptible to divorce as the non-Christian community. When this fact is ignored, it leaves many broken people floating alone without proper counsel. But we are not here to discuss why marriages break up. We’re here to discuss the aftermath.
Many people come out of a divorce believing they will never allow themselves to be open enough to the opposite sex that marriage would be a part of the picture. Both my husband and I shared those thoughts. Speaking personally, I grew to love him without the complication of romance. I knew he did not want to marry and since I did not want to marry either, our friendship formed a beautiful comradeship that I am honored to have experienced...But God saw further down the path than we did and knew that our long bygone prayers for a love-filled marriage would be answered in each other....
THE NEW COUPLE...
So here we are;
We are newly married basking in the fact that God has given us a second chance at love. Lord willing, we learned a lot of what not to do in the former marriage. We may have learned humility, or maybe not. Divorce can be a very humiliating process. It is painful beyond belief because it involves tearing a person in half...We are one with the person we marry and divorce always leaves that person with missing limbs emotionally. Neither of us wants to see another marriage end. This is for keeps!
AFTER THE WEDDING....
But then we’re hit with the reality bus. On this bus is our baggage, her family, his family, one or both of the ex-partners, the collective children, and even well meaning friends. They are coming at us at full force, ready to plow us down to make certain that they maintain their place in our life, even if it is with their knee on our back. We are not prepared! The honeymoon is over and we are left sitting in the dust with our beloved, trying to get the license plate number of that bus.
Our Mom and {or} Dad, friends, child, or sibling {fill in the appropriate name as it applies} are trying to maintain their position in our life. It may be just one or two people that struggle with our changes, or it may be our entire collective family. They are dealing with their own fears and doubts and are dumping it on us with unbelievable negativity. They may not even realize it. We are left bewildered and wondering why these people who were there for us when our life crashed around us during our separation and divorce, are not rejoicing with us now-after the wedding.
But let’s digress for a moment. Look back to when we were first separated and divorced. What happened? Yes, we all went through lots of emotions. We were bewildered, depressed, exhausted, rejected and felt really, really lost.. But what happened with the other people in our life?
Often times it is the parent that steps in. But it may also be brothers, sisters, in-laws, cousins, or good friends that step in. Many people struggle with other relationships after they remarry. But this isn’t always the case. In some cases the transition is smooth. In other cases it may not go the least bit smoothly and may be the deciding factor in yet another break up.
Again, in most cases it is the parents who step in and help out, and we parents should. They often become baby sitters. They may even provide a home for that separated son or daughter and the grandchildren. This may be temporary or long term. No longer is that former spouse in their rightful place between their child and them. Perhaps "between" is not the right word. But when you marry, you leave mother and father and cleave to your spouse.
Now {after the separation/divorce} we have returned to them to some degree. They fill in the gaps with our children as much as possible. They do their best to pick us up and to push us forward. They invest a little more of themselves in our family than before. Their once empty nest may be overflowing with family and activity and it is an adjustment for them. In some cases in may be a major adjustment and can bring burn-out. Even if the divorced son or daughter does not move in the amplified involvement can also lead to burn out.
If the newly divorced son or daughter doesn’t move in with them, Mom and Dad, or whoever, are still going to be more involved. They are going to be a shoulder to dump on. They may help out financially. The point is that the relationship changes just like it changed we you first got married or moved away from home. And, when we remarry we are probably prepared for most of those changes, but our parents might not be. They may have trouble giving their grandchild over to a new step-mom or step-dad. They may not even realize how emotional this can be for them and often it is translated harshly. They may be facing that empty nest syndrome again. When there are grandchildren involved, they may feel very protective of those children and us because of what we went through in the past, and that is ok.
We have to keep in mind that they agonized with us through those dark, painful times when we were going through that bad marriage and divorce. They spent many nights crying at our Lord’s feet on our behalf, especially if they are Christians. Their grief was real too and their sacrifice should not be dismissed. It should be validated. But again, their fears and concerns may be translated in the harshest possible way.
Ok, you may be wondering what the answer is. Where is the manual anyway? Well, it is right where it should be. It is in God’s word.
The very same rules that apply to first, or one time, married couples also applies to your marriage because that is the only marriage that you have. And there you have it! You have the very same commitment, privileges, and responsibilities as anyone in God's kingdom should, and do, have within the marriage union. There are no penalty points because it is our second time marriage in God‘s eyes...But there may be in our family‘s eyes without them even realizing it. We can’t control that. But your marriage is just as important as anyone else and deserves the same respect. And, I suspect that there are a lot of women, or couples, out there that have waited to hear just that. Your marriage does count!!!! And if no one has ever told you that, let me be the first!
In Gen.2:24 it says leave and cleave. Therefore shall a man leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife and they shall be one flesh. In many Christian marital books, they often explain this as leaving all other relationships-meaning putting your marriage above all other relationship, with the exception of God, of course. This does not mean that all other relationships will get stomped under the feet of the newly married couple. This does not mean that the feelings of other people are overlooked or disregarded. It does not mean that you no longer maintain a closeness to those other people. No, it means change. It simply means that our spouse comes first while still maintaining good relationships with those other people in our life... if those other people will allow it.
I repeat, if those other people will allow it...and sometimes they don’t.
Some parents and children have very special relationships and this is becoming more and more rare in today‘s culture. Indeed, it should be preserved and nurtured. The new spouse should enter in to that relationship and the parents {or whomever} should open their arms to him or her as part of the package in spite of any misgivings. And doesn’t that sound so like a comfortable way to approach this? And, it is? It is very warm and special...and biblical.. If you have concerns as a parent about a child getting married either the first time or a multiple time, those thoughts should be prayed about and brought to that child before the wedding. After the wedding the marriage must be respected and supported.
Now real quick, let’s look at something.
This verse is in Genesis 2, correct? Adam and Eve did not have a mother and father. I think God had some wonderful insight way back then. He knew the problems that would be coming up and He settled it right then. This is how it has to be in order for a marriage to work. When a woman sees her husband keeping silent when his mom is openly disapproving of her, it does drive a wedge into that marriage. Or if that man sees his wife running home to her parents, the wedge goes just as deep. As you may have noticed, this problem is universal and applies to any marriage, doesn’t it?
But in a mutliple marriage new armor can be brought in by the extended family. As parents we have to be careful to remember that this new person is our son or daughter’s spouse, and must have the same degree of value that we would expect, or want, from our own in-laws.
It must be remembered that this man and this woman together maintain the home. Although your new daughter in law might not be your grandchild’s “real” mother, she is your son’s real, and only, wife. She is the homemaker/housewife whether she works outside the home or not-and she can not do her job if only some of all the children are not in step with the ebb and flow family living and the others have a whole other set of rules.
Adolescents can be particular rough for everyone concerned because other issues come in to play. There may be control issues, and that son or daughter may try to do everything they can to get in the way of the new couple. James Dobson describes it as an adolescent sticking his/her big hairy toe over the line. We had one or two that did this and they kept it there! In our case we spent many hours agonizing in prayer for answers concerning certain children in our blended family.
But if the support of the in laws is not there or worse and there are attempts at hindering the choices the man and woman makes concerning their own family matters, they may begin distancing themselves from the extended and I am in no way implying that this was the right thing to do.. This may be done due more to hopelessness than anything else because they just keep getting hammered with constant interference and disapproval.
Double standards should never exist with the collective children.
But so often it does and bitterness can take root if we allow it, and sometimes even when we don‘t think we‘re allowing it. Some parents and grand parents instinctively want to put a hedge around their off spring and it can lead to some devastating problems when equality is not insured. Equality does not mean that each child does not remain unique. At the same time those same parents and grand parents want respect for their son or daughter, who have already been through so much, from the step children involved and they can be very bitter about it. It can be a painful tug-of-war that those well meaning extended family members don‘t even really comprehend..
Our responsibility as parents is to support that God-given union first and foremost. We will be accountable if we place a stumbling block in their way. The stumbling block of disapproval can be catastrophic. If my children and their spouses feel that there is nothing they can do that is right in my eyes, I am the one who is causing the distance and strife.
Like any parent {or whoever} that has gone through a divorce with a son or daughter, we agonized with them. I have personally spend many, many nights on my knees asking God to intervene, lighten the load, and sooth the broken heart of my child who has been through this.. I think that there is nothing more painful than to see your child go through the terrible experiences that you have been through.
Second time marriages can be a wonderful blessing once that overlying dust settles, or at the least is managed. Man and Woman you have to let the extended families know, in word and in action during these conflict that, “This is my spouse. This is bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. I cannot allow my beloved to be assaulted by you in any way, but I do want to maintain a loving relationship with you. But that has to be your choice. Harsh words, gossip and disapproval will not be accepted here. I am shielding her/him. What you do, I can not control, but what comes in to my family, I can control. Please take this as coming from my heart. God has given me this person to love and to cherish before anyone else, and that is what I‘m going to do. You can support that or tear it down, but I‘m asking you not to tear it down because then you‘ll be driving a wedge between me and you and I will be greatly saddened.
Remember please that this is not my home, it is our home-meaning mine and my husband/wife. Together we go through life and together we raise the children that God has placed in our care, regardless of our mistakes. There is no room for you in our two-some and that is biblical. We are one flesh and you are not a part of that. But you can add to our blessings and be a blessing with your support and unconditional love.” With that, you then turn it over to God and prayer, and keep an open heart and door.
For us, we didn’t do that. Not at first. We were so dazed by the onslaught that seemed to be coming from all directions, that we didn’t actually surface from the dust for more than year after we were married. While this dust was swirling, we were arguing and playing the blame game. We began pulling away inwardly from each other. We began feeling the old wounds from bygone days and feared that those wounds would be re-opened. We stopped reaching out for that friendship that was so sweet to us. We became self-absorbed and very defensive. What we didn’t see was that we were allowing the extended family's problems-meaning the problems they had re-adjusting, to become a marital issue between us and that is exactly what Satan wanted.
Before my husband and I were married, long before romance came into the picture, we shared things with each other in friendship that couldn’t be shared with anyone else in our lives. We had both experienced the pain of infidelity, betrayal, and broken trust. It was something only the other could fully identify with. The other people in our lives, though well-meaning, could not enter in to the full extent of this devastation. I had said many times that my husband did more for me as a friend than my ex ever did for me as a husband emotionally. With this onslaught that was so unexpected, we found ourselves closing up after spending years opening up to each other.
When we finally decided to stand back to back and take on what we saw as Satan’s assault, we still messed up. We stepped on toes. The reason we stepped on toes was because we allowed our first reaction, which was anger, to guide our actions instead of God‘s word and love. After all, how dare these people tell us what we should or should not be doing within our family? The anger may have been justified, but the action was not. When they shoved us, we shoved back.
If I can use an analogy here, we were in the dessert using sticks and rocks to chase off the buzzards circling around us. We could have, hand in hand, walked over to the oasis {our tide pool} and nestled together in the shade of the cool trees and drank from the cools, refreshing waters. And, I’m really hoping that if our extended family ever were to read this, they won’t be insulted. Other people, the extended family, were reacting out of their personal fears and insecurities, and it was coming to us in a harsh way. At the same time we were reacting to that harshness with anger. We spent a lot of time “explaining” to those folks why they shouldn’t be judging us and taking it upon themselves to know best for what goes on within our home.
What’s wrong with that, a part from everything?
1; If we were doing our best to follow God’s word, and seeking His will concerning our home and immediate family, we were wrong to believe that we had to, or could, make anyone else understand or believe that.
That was between us and God. If they had things to work out, that was between them and God.
2; We did react out of anger. Again, what they were doing was wrong, but our reaction was just as wrong. God’s word tell is to go to our ”brother” in love and tell him where he has offended us, try to work it out, and then let it go. We did let it go, but long after we tried to control everything. Speaking personally, I was so concerned about what they thought that I spent a lot of time explaining and explaining and explaining, and asking God why these people can’t just accept us as a family. Every aspect of raising my step- child after we were married was examined under a microscope, and I allowed it to eat at me. And, I’m not going to say that I have had complete victory over it. But I can say that our Lord has had complete victory over it.
It was I who allowed it to cause bitterness in my heart. It was I who allowed it to take root and become a sword swiping between myself and my husband. Nothing that took root in my heart was caused by the un-acceptance of our extended family. It took root because I tried to control it instead of giving it over to God. I don’t know if our extended family would be in a different place emotionally or spiritually with all this had we reacted with loving confidence-and I emphasize CONFIDENCE- from the beginning. I do know it would have gotten us to a better place, sooner.
And this reminds me of that old story about the man who went out to hunt and left his faithful companion, his dog, to guard his family. When he returned, the dog greeted him enthusiastically as he always did. But he found his small child missing and the dog was covered in blood. In his fury, thinking that the dog had mauled and killed the child, he thrust his sword into the dog. Hearing the dog’s dying whimpers, the small child responded to the dog from a distance, calling him to his side. The man followed the dog, and the child’s voice, to find his child safe. But also found a dead wolf who had been killed by his faithful companion, while protecting the child. The dog died there at the child’s feet while answering one final call. The man was known never to smile again because of being so heart-stricken over what he had done.
In comparison, I wonder how many well-meaning in-laws, or friends have looked at the moment and with good intentions thrust that sword into that son or daughter in-law. How many times has that son or daughter in-law tried to fulfill their duties and have crawled away, pierced through by the bitter words of those well-meaning people called family and friends, to die. How many final calls, or last straws? How many marriages have been destroyed because of this unbelievable pressure?
It is a sad analogy, but so very accurate.
And, how many people have never smiled again because they have not faced the bitterness and guilt in their heart and asked for forgiveness? The sadder thing is that the story of the man and his trusted companion will move people to tears, but the story of wife who will never be accepted by her mom in-law {fill in the appropriate names}brings only a fleeting gesture of sympathy.
conclusion of this text.