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| Are you lonesome tonight...? |
| Well, umm..yeah, actually... |
| I'm a very insecure person and despite what some people see of me, I'm not very confident either. Only my best and closest friends have got to know the real me, and only those who stick with me, support me and have the ability to forgive me will get to know the full me. And only they, as the saying goes, will get to reap the fruits of our friendship. Or something like that anyway. It usually takes me at least a year to really trust someone, sometimes longer. Thats how insecure I am. But thats only with silly little things. Really close friends take much longer to gain my trust with important things. Unfortunately, some of my "close friends" didn't know me as well as I thought they did, couldn't accept that this is the way I am, and have gone. Again, more "best" friends, whom I trusted (not 100%, I don't even trust myself that much) but I trusted them more than most, managed to break that trust in some way or another. That, for me, is practially the end of the world. Dramatic? Umm...nope. When people close to me break my trust, I feel like I can't trust anyone at all. |
| I'm gonna talk to you about someone I havent known that long, but they really touched me. And somehow, they've managed to gain my trust extremely quickly. They're called Danny. This name is not real. Danielle/Dan. Geddit? When I met Danny a few times, I really liked them, they were really nice to me and we kept meeting up. After a little while I knew I could trust them and that we'd be close, partly because they opened up to me a bit too. You know, I just felt it. "It" was there. We've kept in touch since, and fortunately, we've been able to help eachother through a lot of difficult times. I know that even if/when we do lose eachother - they'll never be forgotten. Some people come and go. Some of those people are special. Danny's one of them. I'm glad I've had the privelege of meeting them. Moving on, do you ever get told that you're loved? By anyone? Do you get even a thank you from your friends when you've done your best to help them? I dont. Not often. I have about 2 friends who do this, only one of them regularly, but I do appreciate that the other finds it difficult to talk about things like that. Thing is, I never even got that from my parents. Not that I can remember. They probably told me up to the age of 4, then left it until now because I'm "so grown up" and I'll probably leave at the first chance I get. Even now its just on my birthday. Maybe Christmas. But because I haven't heard it that often, I don't really like hearing it from them, it feels forced. People shouldn't be forced to tell you they love you, should they? Its confusing, I need to be told, I need the security, but I don't like it. And they never ever talked to me about school, friends and problems I may be having etc, no one did. So I don't do it now. Even when they did ask me about it, I asked them not to go to the school, but they still did. And things got worse. So now I leave it. With almost everyone. Where is this going? Back to Danny et al. These few (well, 2) people I can talk to, properly. About everything. They trust me, I trust them. They always make sure they return phonecalls, even if its just to chat or moan, and nearly always phone when they say they will. Whenever I'm upset, they always make sure they're there for me and let me soak them through with tears, even if its for no reason at all. Ever had that feeling? Just to cry, just "because"? They're always supportive and kind, and I try my best to return all of this. I may not do a very good job, but I try. Of course these people aren't perfect, no one is, but they are special. You just know someone's special when you meet them. I didn't get this from my old 'friends'. They always said "why don't you trust me?" and "why don't you tell me anything?". Do you know why I didn't tell them anything? Because they didn't ever ask me. Do you know what else? It's a good thing I didn't tell them everything or trust them 100% because, as it turns out, they didn't trust me. Something bad/good happened to this one 'best' friend. Do you know how I found out? Well, there are several ways: Through the internet Through other peoples' gossip Through other aquaintances Through someone accidentaly letting it out Charming. Anyone else smell a hypocrite? I was never told anything by them, and yet they insisted that I should tell them everything. Anyway, due to 'events', I have been left by myself. Its nice to be able to rely on people. It's even nicer to be relied on. Its a sorry state of affairs when something bad happens to a best friend. Its worse when you trust them more than most. Its worse when you think they trust you. Its an awful feeling when you find out they phoned someone else first. Sometimes I feel so alone. |