(300403 - Wednesday)
And thus we come to the end of yet another month. What's changed? I really don't know. Apart from committing to the repayment of a car load, and plans to visit my dearest acquaintances in Melbourne, only minor adjustments have been made to my life. These minor adjustments may develop in time, hopefully into something good, if not great.

(290403 - Tuesday)
I feel somewhat like a failure. It's strange but for the first time in a very long time, someone turned me down completely. No, wait. Come to think of it, this IS the first time I've been turned down completely. None of my alternative offers could convince her to change her mind about going out with me. She did not even say "maybe some other time". The general response was "Dowan!". Am I losing my touch? Am I growing too old, too fast?

I hate people who waste my time. If you say you're going to be here at 5pm, then be here at 5pm. Don't wait til I call you at 5.30pm then tell me that you can't make it. I take time off other business just to be available at 5pm. If you're late a half hour, it's still tolerable. But don't tell me you can't make it.

Now if there were no other choices, then fine, postponing it to 7pm is still acceptable. Why the hell did you only arrive at 8.15pm? I take my dinner at that time. Why do you have to be so inconvenient?!

The best part of all, you were here to let me test drive the new car. How in God's name can you show up with a flat tyre?! Don't tell me it was all coincidence. Is it because of the colour of your skin? Are you trying to prove all those racists right?!

Let me remind you that you're trying to sell me a RM55,000 product. I'm a paying customer. If you really want to make the sale, don't piss me off!

(280403 - Monday)
Su Ling turns 2 decades old today. The person with most reason to celebrate would of course be her, but deep inside, I too feel great joy. If ever I do something that pleases you, or touches you in any way, think not that I did it for you, but instead for my own selfish intentions. Yes, I went the extra mile and you smiled. And because you smiled, I smiled too. And that's my ultimate reason to do what I do, to spend the amounts I spend. All for the sheer joy of feeling this great sense of pleasure.

To Su Ling: "Happy Birthday and thank you for smiling. My only regret is that I couldn't be there to personally hand you the flowers, and see the delight in your gorgeous eyes."
To Sherine: "Thank you for playing such a big part in this little deed. Your efforts are appreciated, and you've earned yourself a place in my heart."

And so the day finally comes. This blog is now officially a year old. Happy Birthday Merv's Dwelling!

(270403 - Sunday)
Our trip to FRIM was once again canceled, due to weather conditions. However, dinner arrangements for steamboat in Kepong did go on as planned. 8 of us showed up, while one decided to not show up at the last minute. 2 people had already eaten, so we ordered for 7 thinking that the last guy would still come. But since he didn't, only 6 ate a meal for 7. Of the 6, 5 ended up with a stomach ache. The 6th suspects that it'll come later. A mild case of diarrhea isn't bad enough to make the event 'not worthwhile'. We still enjoyed ourselves. It was good to see their faces again. It was even more enjoyable to be sitting down with them for dinner. I wish this would happen more often.

Note to self: DO NOT stick a hard-boiled quail's egg into mouth directly after pulling it out from boiling water. Allow it time to cool down first.

Well what do you know, this page has existed 365 days already, making up one year. Unfortunately, no - you guys won't get to see any additions or other improvements tomorrow. Time hasn't been much of a friend lately. It's just never around when I need it.

(260403 - Saturday)
For the first time in a really long time, I drove and parked at college for class. But today, I did not pay a sen for parking, simply because it was a Saturday and all the working dudes weren't around to park in their reserved bays. I conveniently slipped my car into one of the many empty slots and shot off to class. If circumstances permit, I will continue to drive to college for my Saturday classes, for everyone's convenience.

(250403 - Friday)
It's getting harder and harder to please me each day. You wouldn't believe the amount of complaints I have about Gentings. Let's not even go there.

It took me slightly over an hour to go up to Gentings from my office yesterday. But it took a whole 3 hours to get back down to work again today. That just doesn't make any sense. You'd think that it should be faster to come down than go up. Ah well, nothing is THAT predictable.

RM200 has been spent. RM200 which I don't have, spent on something so not worth the amount. RM200 spent to put a smile on someone's face. A smile I won't even get to see. Sighhh...

(230403 - Wednesday)
A two-month duration assignment with 15% weightage, took me 3 weeks of procrastination and 4 hours of effort to complete. I hate myself for it, but somehow I always pull through even at the very last minute. It's becoming a terrible habit, one that is going to be really hard to break.

Well, next up - Quantitative Analysis: Queuing Theory assignment.

(220403 - Tuesday)
Less than 20 hours to deadline, and I'm STILL only 25% done. I've never been in so bad a situation before. And it's unbelievable that I'm still not all that worried. One of the three questions have been completed, but the left-over two don't make much sense to me. The last question doesn't even seem to have anything to do with accounting, which freaks me out. It seems so much more like a Marketing question. The worst part is that I have nothing to refer to.

(210403 - Monday)
I hate it when people build my anticipation, and then drown me in cold water. I've been surviving on less than RM10 for the past one week, and I was supposed to retrieve some of MY funds from another party today. He let me down by showing up with worthless pieces of papers. If ever again, I will choose to not have any financial arrangements with this person and his associates. Irresponsible and lack of integrity!

My future has been on my mind a lot lately. Allow me to jot a few items down so that one day when I read this again, I'll be reminded to take action.

First and foremost, save a whole lot of cash for my wedding. My wedding will be no less than fantasy-like; a 'spoil-market' kind of event. And of course, it'll be wholy organized by myself and the Mrs.

At the same time, save up a whole lot more to buy a bloody gorgeous car to be used as my wedding car. And this car will remain in my possession for as long as the Mrs. is the same person.

The second car to be bought, will of course be in the Mrs' name. I think that by the time I'm married, a mortgage and two car loans wouldn't be that burdening. I'm that confident in myself!

I'll leave the rest for another time.

(200403 - Sunday)
Sighhh...

(190403 - Saturday)
After test-driving the Wira Aeroback 1.3GLi, I'm convinced that the 1.5GLi is a much better deal. One thing noticeably different is the interior. Sitting in the 1.3 actually feels just like sitting in a Kancil. Somewhat 'cheap' for the price. At least the 1.5 has a better feel to it. The other matter would be the significant lack of power in the 1.3. At least I can be sure that the 1.5 will cough up enough power to get the car going. All I have to do is convince my mom that the RM8,000 extra is worth it.

Today was the first time I've ever gone jogging, and half way through felt like I was going to collapse. Hell, I did! I actually just couldn't push on anymore and had to sit down for a minute or so to catch my breath. Something is terribly wrong with me.

Four days till Management Accounting Assignment 2 deadline.

(180403 - Friday)
I went to college at 8am, supposedly to attend an extra Quantitative Analysis class. However, I went straight to office instead as I had some urgent things to rush.

Have you ever tried to write on a transparency without the right stationery? After finishing my five-sentence birthday message, it felt as though I just completed a 5,000 word essay. Well, at least that's out in the mail already. All I have to do is pray that the post office doesn't screw up.

Today, for the first time in my entire life working at Uniqema Asia Pacific, I spoke to the tall, thin, French man, the Asia Pacific Business Director (biggest guy in the office). He's been here for a good six months already, but only today did we find ourselves together in the pantry getting drinks at the same time. He kicked of the conversation with a casual "Getting used to the house?". That simply meant "How do you find working here?". Well, I had no complaints so I just smiled to gesture acknowledgement. What I didn't quite understand is why he asked me the question, when in fact I've been working in that office for a duration longer than he. Well, trying to be friendly, I asked how his stay in Malaysia was. As any other Caucasian would reply - hot, but wonderful. He's actually been to more Malaysian tourist sites in 6 months, than I've been to in 6 years!

(170403 - Thursday)
Today's movie was a huge let down. Rowan Atkinson wasn't at his best. The humour was there, but it seemed rather empty. Maybe I've been setting my expectations too high, but I do believe I laughed harder watching Dreamcatcher last weekend, and that's not even a comedy.

Have you put a smile on anyone's face today? My latest plot should succeed, but the sad thing is that I won't be there to see the smile.

(160403 - Wednesday)
My intentions to fly to Melbourne this July are slowly falling apart. Today I confirmed that the air fare will cost anywhere between RM1,800 and RM2,200. MAS will of course be the most expensive of the three possible options; Lauda Air the cheapest but no frills airlines. Singapore International Airlines lies somewhere in between the two. Whichever the case, as long as it's beyond RM1,500, it's not practical. My budget for the entire trip is only RM2,500. How will I survive there for two weeks if the air fare is going to cost me so much?! Anyhow, it seems that tickets aren't available anyway. Need to find out more.

(150403 - Tuesday)
After a quick chat with the MayFlower implant in my office, I found out that my Melbourne return air fare in July will cost me approximately RM2,000.00. That is about 80% more than I expected to pay. If it really costs that much, I can still afford it, but that would mean that I will be grounded while in Melbourne. No going out, no sightseeing, no visiting friends, no shopping, no nothing. And if that's so, it wouldn't be worth the effort. Objectives not met. I sure hope that the prices aren't as high as projected.

It sure seems like there are a whole lot more females searching for ICQ chat partners these days. I get an authorization request almost once each week. I ignore them mostly because of certain requirements not met. But in the past 3 days alone I've made two new online acquaintances. I wonder how many more I'll make before the end of the month.

(140403 - Monday)
Some of the most heated arguments are generally about nothing significant. Yet both parties still get all uptight, so much so that a showdown of profanities takes place. After all said and done, was it worth it?

Did you realize that the hardest thing for an upset person to do is to smile? However, once that transition from a frown to a smile is complete, it's actually even harder to put a frown back on. The next time someone frowns, do all you can to make him/her smile again. He/she will definitely appreciate you for it!

(130403 - Sunday)
Less than two months away from this semester's finals, and I still know peanuts about what's going on in class. A week away from my Management Accounting Assignment 2 deadline, and I still know peanuts about the question. That does it, less Leo, less work, time to focus on academics!

It's final, my mom is trading in the Daihatsu Charade for a brand new Proton Wira Aeroback 1.5 GLi. If all goes well, I'll be driving the new car within a week. The trade in of the Charade is confirmed for RM13,000. Not too bad for a 10 year old car which is falling apart.

(120403 - Saturday)
Screw all the people who are forever conveniently not punctual. I don't enjoy people wasting my time. I don't like to attend meetings on time, when they always end up starting an hour late. My time is way too valuable to be spent that way. And meetings should be more productive than they currently are. Get more done in less time, leaving me more time for my dates.

(110403 - Friday)
My job amazes me sometimes. Today I spent 9 hours at work, of which only a third was actually spent doing work. I surfed a whole lot, and spent time running around mostly. Sent out some emails, and posted a letter that probably won't reach the recipient due to insufficient postage. Only realized it when it was too late.

Broke curfew by an hour and a half. Not good! I need to punish myself. But how?!

(100403 - Thursday)
It's been almost a year since the birth of this blog. After some chit-chatting, it's been determined that over the course of this blog's life, 5 girls have been mentioned. Girls who have meant something to me in a special sort of way. FIVE - in a year? That averages to one girl every 73 days. Actually, there are others who were not mentioned, but we shall not bring them up at this time.

So many can't be good you say? I beg to differ. I see no wrong. I choose to bring them up because I was interested. If things don't work out, they just don't. It's not the end of the world. Moving on and being open to the idea of trying again doesn't make me a bad person! I shall continue flirting at every chance I get. I just pray that I don't screw up... again.

(090403 - Wednesday)
I think I've got my priorities all screwed up. I've been neglecting my academics for way too long. Time to wake up and smell the shit I'm getting myself into.

Life is full of ironic surprises. Just when I felt like calling someone in Aussie up to suggest that she email me, I find an email from her sitting in my inbox. Weird, yet pleasant. It's things like these which put me in a good mood.

(080403 - Tuesday)
Who says that we're all-knowing? It's highly important that we keep telling ourselves - "Just cos I can't do it doesn't mean it can't be done".

I'm in love... with a voice. Today was the first time a certain classmate's voice caught my attention, and it put me on cloud nine. Have you ever come across a voice which makes your heartbeat race, and yet it somehow still seems like the only thing that could calm you down? That's exactly how I felt. It was a bittersweet sensation. I didn't quite like it, but I wanted more.

Sounds weird indeed, but I guess it's not so much of what happened, but instead how it happened. I don't exactly know this girl. Even less likely would I recognise her voice. But when she let out subtle whispers to her friends from behind me, it just put me in heaven - a feeling beyond description.

(070403 - Monday)
Yes - I'm still feeling guilty. Even after the apology two nights ago, and having being forgiven, I still feel like a complete jerk. An impulse decision cost me RM30 for three daisies, all nicely wrapped, and given to the person I did wrong. All I was hoping for was a casual smile, but instead I got a shocked, suspicious, disappointed kind of look. At that very moment, walking off before she had a chance to reject the flowers seemed like the best thing to do, and so I did. Who knows what was going through her mind. A simple "thank you" sms doesn't tell me much.

To date, my best friend in Brisbane, Queensland, welcomes me to bunk with her at her rented apartment should I visit. The first girl I ever fell in love with, welcomes me to stay with her at her relatives' home in Melbourne, Victoria, if I visit her instead. Also, another very close friend of mine, someone who I have not had the pleasure of her company in more than 16 months, too, welcomes me to spend my vacation at her place in Melbourne. Then there's this sweet young lady, slightly older than me, but so extremely pretty, who also once invited me to stay at her rented studio apartment in Melbourne if I visited. Sigh... if only I could.

I guess for all the displeasure I've come across in my life, having friends who welcome me a thousand miles away makes up for it all.

(060403 - Sunday)
Still feeling empty.
Still feeling lonely.
I could use a hug.
Not just any hug.
A meaningful hug.
A hug from someone special.
A special someone who's not around.
I guess I won't be getting my hug.
I guess I'm still going to feel lonely.
I guess I'm still going to feel empty.

(050403 - Saturday)
It took me a week to get a girl's number, and all it took was another week for me to piss her off for the first time. I take it all back, if only I could. Yes... it's about time I grow up. Time to leave my boy-ish ways behind and move on. There's so much to see, learn, or just plain experience. I need to get out and live a bit more.

Sigh... the feeling of emptiness still lingers. When will it go away?!

Life is passing me by, and I'm getting left behind.

Oh gracious... listen to me! I need chocolates!

(040403 - Friday)
Two women in the lift with me were discussing some data on a sheet of paper. One said to the other - "The problem I have is with the sex". Gosh! You'd think she'd be more discrete about such matters, unless she meant sex as in gender. Why can't people just use the word gender anyway. It's so much less misleading, less dangerous, less controversial.

I spent more than half the day clearing the workload in my tray. By the time it was cleared, my brains were too numb to do much else. And then out of nowhere, more work came it. That's the sad story of my life. It just never ends.

I just found out that I share the same birthday as the biggest guy in my department. Not much of a coincidence you think? Well, the odd are much lower when there are only 4 people in the population. Oh well, at least I don't have to worry about my colleagues missing my 21st birthday anymore. They all know our birthdays are on the same day. =)

(030403 - Thursday)
My work just never seems to end. But I of course I should look on the bright side. At least I never have to worry about being bored. I used to have so much trouble looking for things to occupy my time with. What's left to complain about?!

I miss going to the movies.

"The Rhythm of Peace" - my latest task is to bring meaning to this. Hmm... I shall give poetry a shot. Who knows!

(020403 - Wednesday)
People these days have little respect for friends, no honour. How is it that people are so despicable?! We were only sitting there for half an hour. It was only a very slight drizzle. We had each other for company. We all knew that he was tied up with something else. I don't recall him ever FFK-ing us before. You were so eager to leave without even letting him know that you won't be there when he arrives. Not only did you lose your patience so quickly, you bitched about the poor guy without even knowing why you were kept waiting.

Was that justified? Would it have hurt if we sat around a bit longer chatting with each other? Would it have been beyond forgiveness if we got a little damp under the sky? Would it kill us to find out why he still hadn't shown up before we crucify him so openly? I'm sure if he were the one sitting there waiting for YOU, he'd have been more understanding. Did you not feel embarassed?! Yes - just shoot me. I'm sure whether up or down, I'll be in a better place!

Hmm... I have readers it seems. That's not quite right. This blog exists not for convenience of others to look into my soul, but purely for the sake of existing. It's supposed to be like a tiny tribal village in the Himalayas - it exists, few know about it, but no one visits! That's how I pictured my blog to be. Well, I guess if the counter keeps ticking, it can't be helped.

(010403 - Tuesday)
The proposal was scheduled to be completed yesterday, but it dragged on. I attempted to complete it today, but it still drags on. It can drag on no longer as when tomorrow comes, there will be no more tomorrows left. As KL Unity would put it - "Die-die" also must finish before I sleep.

I miss those days when I had no obligation to walk into the office. No after-class commitments. Free to do anything I wanted. Now, even if I want to take time off to sit around in the library (with someone of course), duties play around at the back of my mind. My conscience just won't let me play truant when it comes to contributing to the nation's economy, and my own too. Bah!

I'm beginning to not miss my TV so much anymore. I can live without a TV. The radio is a good substitute. Tune in to Light & Easy 105.7fm, especially when the deejays are not talking. The music turns your surroundings into a heaven not known even to God. Music stirs emotions, and could possibly lighten the tone of any situation you're in.

I finally hand-washed my own Leo vest. It's soaked right through now. I sure hope it looks better and brighter in the morning.