Forever Blue: Part 1

by Sweeneybird

Disclaimer: I don't own them, although I would like to feed them soup and lick their nipples.
Rating: PG, angst, Other: see story notes.
Category: Drama, Challenge
Summary: Blair's not happy. Jim deals, badly. Jim's POV.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I usually lurk here, but things with Sandburg have gotten out of control.
That sign behind the bar about troubles shared being halved - well, I never
really believed it, but so many of you seem to be susceptible to his dubious
charms and understand how that brilliant twisted mind works. Maybe if you
could just listen, really listen - no one seems willing to do that anymore.
Maybe if you could listen, I could talk about it.

He used to be a big kid, you know? Bounce and go and enthusiasm about
anything and everything, especially me. Or at least my senses. But really
he'd get worked up about anything, sort of like a baby when he figures out
that those ten wiggly things at the end of his arms are under his control.
Only trouble is that this baby did a bad bad thing with that newfound power.

Let me back up a bit. It started yesterday - no, it started - ah, fuck, the
little shit left that crap he puts in his hair on the table again and the
keys to his laptop are all slimy. Anyway, he hasn't been around much, what
with the academy and all, and I thought I'd be a good guy and bring him
dinner. I'll admit that I miss him - ever since the press conference we
don't seem to connect. Literally and figuratively.

Anyway, he had a late self-defense class, so I swung by that deli he loves
and got him a turkey and sprouts pocket with tahini - disgusting, huh? I
had to dial WAY down to tolerate THAT crap in the truck. But it was time
for another peace offering - he says that I feel guilty for the
fucked-up-ness of the whole world, part of the Sentinel package. Or at
least he used to say that. Before.

Well, when I walked through the halls to get to the gym, I could hear this
soft choking noise. At first I couldn't identify it, but then I realized it
was because it was out of context. 'Shit. Somebody's crying,' I thought as
I picked up the pace. And then it got weird. I could hear Sandburg's voice,
but it was this a Sandburg I'd never experienced. A Sandburg in his
infancy, newly born in front of a microphone and some TV cameras.

"Shut up, you bitch - I didn't promise you anything. It's not like you're
some blushing virgin. You had a good ride, that's all - hell, from what
I've heard I expected more from you, and none of this emotional bullshit
either. Don't drag this out through graduation day." Now that's not MY
Chief. Especially since I saw that it was a pretty young girl that he was
brow-beating. MY Chief would never enjoy making someone cry.

He'd gotten up close, right in her face, and she was shaking, tears
streaming as she struggled for breath. Faint red splotches marred her
pretty face. She wrapped thin arms around herself in comfort and protection
as his face darkened. A small satisfied twist of his lips revealed his
pleasure as he turned the figurative knife in her wounds, those expressive
blue eyes of his focused on her as she cowered against the wall.

I dropped the sandwich bag and ran to them, yelling "Chief! What the fuck?"
as I grabbed him and pulled him away from the girl. She bolted as he yanked
his arm out of my grip.

"Jim." It - well, there's no other way to describe it. He snarled at me.
ME. His ever-loving Blessed Protector. The man who lo- alright, Jimbo,
don't go walking down there. I blinked and looked down at this stranger
before me.

"You want to clue me in here, Chief?' I struggled to keep my cool - we were
WAY off the beaten path here and I didn't want to make matters worse.
Although frankly, I don't see how they could be.

"Spying on me, Jim?" The cold voice, the rigid stance - who was this
asshole and what had he done with Blair? "You need something ELSE from me
man?" Stung, I stepped back as he thumbed the faint scar at the corner of
his mouth from the tube they'd snaked down his throat when he died. Fuck.

"I don't have much left, you know," he said almost conversationally, the
flat tone a mockery of his usual voice. He ran his fingers through the
shorn curls, reminding me again of how quiet he'd been after the mandatory
regulation haircut. He'd just come home, thrown his keys in the basket,
gone into the bathroom and puked his guts up. And he knew I could hear it,
feel it, taste and smell it like it was me clutching the porcelain. He'd
waited until he got home on purpose. 'This is what I did for you, what I do
for you...'

"Chief..." I stopped at the glare that almost hid his pain. Deep woods.
I'd been lost out here ever since the press conference, and even though
Sandburg had no more idea than I which way was out, my guide didn't even
want to try to get us home. Jesus, Blair, please don't leave me on my own.

I deserved it - I'm used to the fact that no matter what happens with these
damn senses, no matter how much I think I have them under control (that HE
has them under HIS control), things go wrong. And this... lack of a
compass, this abiding fear, this... silence, these were the price I had to
pay for accepting his gift. Because everyone forgets that some things ARE
forever. Blue eyes met mine to remind me again - my safety, HIS safety, my
relief, had to be paid for. He'd paid by throwing away his honor; every day
now he extracted payment from me. And yet it was worth it - god help me, I
was glad for what he had done.

Motion caught my peripheral vision and I turned, grateful for the
distraction. "There she goes, Jim - I wouldn't worry to much. She's just
one of the sluts they let in to make the quota." The hard words floated
Sentinel-soft across the gaping space between us. "Waste of a seat - she's
goin' nowhere fast." I turned back slowly - too quickly and I might catch
the pain, the despair in my guide's eyes. He knew I realized what he meant.

"Chief..." I don't know why I tried. "Look, if you've changed your mind,
if you don't want..." A harsh laugh struck me, assaulted my ears as he
turned and started walking back to the gym.

"Don't want what, Jim? It's not like there's much of a choice, is there?
Even if I recant, who'd believe me? And that's not what you want, is it?
C'mon, tell the truth. No, the academy will do. It's sort of vaguely -
collegiate." His light voice drifted back, once more rendering me helpless.

I used to think that these senses were a curse. Blair taught me that they
were a gift, like seeing face to face when everyone else could only see
shadows in a mirror. And they were beautiful for a while. I believe they
could have been beautiful forever, in a different world. Funny how time
won't stop just because it's the end of everything.

So I keep on. And so does he. Because I can live with his pain more easily
than with his death or my prison, and he can live for my pain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
End


Continue on to Forever Blue: Part 2 .

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