Previous Quotes of the Week
"I got yer Bailey's right here." - Jessie.
"I don't think onions go bad. They're like ogres." - Sean.
Me: What kind of a country are we living in, Morgan?
Morgan: Fucked-up crazy madness!
"Two girls, a big car, and a bucket of chicken. What more does a guy need?" -Rob
"It's not about profundity. It's about free dinner." -Jessie
"To me, 'exploding with hummus' sounds like a fate worse than death." -Jessie
"Did you just put a box full of hummus in our refrigerator?" -Morgan
"I can still swim a mile in under a half hour, which coincidentally is about how long it takes me to run a mile. Because, you know, you have to stop and vomit." -Sean
"So your dad's Claudia Schiffer?" -Phil
"Your cat looks like a space alien." -Phil
"Jesus sneaks up on you sometimes when you're drunk." -Katy (pointing out the large statue of Jesus in the French Quarter)
"No one needs to drink their sorrows away for not being Irish." -Jessie (explaining lack of clientele at Martini Bar Wednesday, compared to large crowd there on Valentine's Day)
"When I assigned this chapter I must have been smoking crystal meth." -Rhonda Gibson
"If I had an 80 gig harddrive, think how much porn I could put on it!" -Jessie
"Hey this is up near where Zelda Fitzgerald got torched." -Rob, in Asheville
"Morgan Johnson dates women." (Morgan: "I am a member of the gay community.") "Grace Camblos dates men." (Grace: "I'm straight.") "Different women, different sexual orientations. But they live together as roommates in the same house, and they both feel the same way about gay marriage." -ABC11 tv reporter
"I'll be organized when I'm dead." -Jessie
"Who, Condoskeeza? I mean, Condoleeza? Oh God! I didn't mean to say that in class!" -Prof. Amana
"Dude, with $900 I could buy a new leg." -Jessie, commenting on the price of airline tickets.
"Morgan, get your children out of the glove compartment." -Me. (Her dental x-rays are residing in her glovebox, possibly melting in manner of children left in hot car with no windows down.)
"And Jesus ascended to the heavens and said, "I'll be back!" -The Bible as read by Ahnold (as interpreted by Sean)
"Jimmy Buffett, I have all of your bad '80s CDs. You should give me a boat." -Sean
"I have excellent oral skills." -Jessie
"What's the difference between a harmonica and a banjo? The harmonica only sucks half the time." -Gillian Welch
"Once they're not freshmen anymore it's just a vapid wasteland." -Les
"Remember when you brought home that big bucket of hummus?" -Morgan
"We all know that it's not how early you go to bed, it's how late you can sleep the next morning. I could go to bed at 9 and still complain about having to get up at 5. But if I went to bed at 4 and didn't have to get up till 11, I'd be fine!" -Sean (using Sean logic)
"Sean: consistently making the quote board for an entire academic year." -Sean
"Mmmmm, honey-wheat Jesus!" -Kristin, at the Church of the Advocate (where communion is quite tasty)
"You have penetrating blue eyes. Hitler had penetrating blue eyes. Did you know that?" -Donald Shaw [my new boss]
"Southern Virginia is a good place to be from." -Lee Steube, explaining why southern VA is a good place to go home to but not always a good place to live.
"That's the way the Holy Spirit is: she's a mean bitch!" -Les
Morgan (sounding disgusted): "Birdstone. What the fuck kind of a horse is that?"
Grace: "The kind of horse that can dash our hopes and dreams!"
"The whole left side of my bike doesn't work. It's like it had a stroke or something." -Morgan
"Ooooh! I've got pornography on here!" -woman who sits next to me at WUNC Radio, speaking of her computer.
"What are you talking about? Of course they have hummus! It wouldn't be a diner without hummus!" -Les, at 501 Diner
"Growing up with an excellent mother, a wife, two daughters and three granddaughters - if that doesn't make you a feminist, then you just don't love Jesus." -Chuck Stone
"You know how they say yoga is so relaxing? No. You want to die. She kept saying, "Breath in through your nose, breath out through your mouth," and all I could think was, "Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!" -Sarah
"If I disappear for a couple months at a time - it's either the government or the lesbians who have me." -Morgan, explaining her lesbian conspiracy theory
"Going to the airport and sticking your tongue out at the president is more important than having lunch with me. Heck, if I'd known you were going to do that, I'd have gotten down there earlier so we could've really done it!" -my Mom
"Grace, our kid would be super-intelligent...and fly." -Tedd
Amber: "Did I tell you...you sound like Martha Stewart?"
Shaggy: "Yeah - you're like Martha Stewart without all the cool know-how..."
Amber: "...and the jail time."
"S is for sex, and I'm having it." - Morgan
"You know a meal has been good when afterward you feel like you've been poisoned." - Leigh, referring to our Mama Dip's-induced food comas.
"Right. Because I always think of him sounding like a Russian. In fact, I never think of him sounding like anything else. Especially not Scottish." - Morgan, commenting on Sean Connery's role in "The Hunt for Red October"
"When all else fails, just talk like Elvis." - Michael