A friend once told me that when one is eating fortune cookies, it is much more fun to tack the words “in bed” to the end of every fortune when you read them out loud. I have had exactly one fortune cookie in my entire life and I do not even remember there being paper involved. Anyway, lacking any fortune cookies, I have decided to throw the words “in bed” into this recap at random intervals and see it if makes it any funnier.
Previously on Stargate SG-1....Daniel hugged a Goa’uld and nobody noticed until it blasted Sam "Look I’m in Civvies" Carter and Janet "Blink and You’ll Miss Her" Fraiser into a wall, and Sam’s subconscious manifested itself in a series of hallucinations in an attempt to get her laid. Oh, and Daniel is no longer non-corporeal. In case you’ve been asleep all season. In bed.
We open at the University of Chicago. Of course, it doesn’t tell us that this is the University of Chicago, so unless you remember The Curse or have watched Indiana Jones a few too many times, you might not know where we are. I fall into both of those categories, however, so I know exactly what is going on. You guessed it! It’s a dream sequence. But don’t tell anyone, because it’s a surprise!
Anyway, Daniel is sitting at a desk surrounded by a bunch of books doing what archaeologists do second best: guessing what some artefact is. (What Archaeologists do best, by the way, is drink lots and lots of alcohol). Daniel muses that the amulet is likely from the twelfth dynasty, and makes my geeky, geeky day by suggesting that it belongs to the Pharaoh Amenemhet. He does not specify which of the four it could be, but I am a reasonable person, so we’ll go with it. In bed. In case you were wondering, the only other choice for dynasty 12 is Sesostris, of whom there were three, and possibly a Queen by the name of Sobeknefru.
Daniel lists off the usual suspects: gift to commemorate coming of age, wedding or a birth, and is cut off by an accent we all know and love and a woman’s voice announces "It’s for luck", and adds that it has something to do with the Nile (note: almost everything in Egypt had something to do with the Nile). Sarah introduces herself, and Daniel goggles at her. I take this moment to note that Sarah was a very, very modest dresser when compared to Osiris, and that Osiris is really much better looking. In bed.
By the time my moment is over, we have moved to a new show which shows Daniel sleeping restlessly, a memory device on his temple. In bed. I wonder why on Earth Osiris would attach the device to his right temple and then sit on his left, but the laws of TV quickly remind me: it is so that Sarah can lean forward out of the shadows from behind him, and they never have to change camera angles. Sarah leans out of the shadows from behind us, and the music menaces us into the main credits.
Main Credits. I wonder at the odds that allow me to do my first two recaps which both feature the same previouslies. "Daniel hugged a Goa’uld and nobody noticed" was definitely not a sentence I ever thought I would repeat. I bet Janet’s not in this episode either.
Diner. Sam is sitting by herself with no wedding ring (this will be important later) at a table. A greasy, smarmy looking man saunters up and asks if the seat across from her is taken. She says no and points out that there are other tables, but he sits down anyway. Now, here is misdirection number two. We are supposed to admire the man’s audacity at approaching out Sammy in public and admire his forwardness. In bed. However, Sam’s failure to deck him on the spot indicates that she actually knows him, and makes the following exchange a little....patronizing.
Suffice to say, they have the whole "You’re single" "How do you know?" discussion, followed by the "Every guy I date dies" discussion, and then Sam mercifully ends our pain before we can get to the "Doesn’t my badge and chosen profession make me hot?" discussion. This I think is a good decision on the part of the writers, because if after Jack, Teal’c, Daniel, (and Davis for that matter), they expect me to be impressed by this guy, they are sorely mistaken. Anyway, Pete tries to talk Sam into calling in sick and going to the zoo, but she turns him down. He then tries to tempt her with going back to his hotel room. This section includes the most obtuse Canadian Reference in the history of the show, because Pete mentions "A box of wine with a duck on it". Duck Wine is the cheapest kind of wine you can get in Canada, and it tastes accordingly dreadful. I ignore the following kissing by wondering why on earth they still haven’t come up with a better cover story than deep space radar telemetry. In bed.
SGC. Sam and Daniel walk down a hallway. Pay attention to what Sam says here, because it sort of defines the whole episode. Personally, I think the writers got to the end and thought "How in the hell are we getting out of this one?" and then went back and added that scene, but that might just be my sarcasm talking. Anyway, Sam says something about a frequency jammer that blocks Goa’uld transmissions and transports and how they are currently working on making it transportable. In bed. Daniel yawns, and Sam gets all huffy. She was so obviously ignored as a child. Daniel apologizes and says that he had dreams of Sarah, made all the more crazy because “[his] hair was different”. Sam calls the kettle black (ie. Tells him he has issues), and then Jack arrives in an elevator. It made more sense when you saw it on-screen. Daniel excuses himself for coffee.
Elevator. Sam and Jack stand there. Sam begins to hum, hilariously, the theme song for Stargate SG-1, which eventually includes a dance sequence. Jack calls her on it, and a Very Awkward but Brilliantly Funny Conversation Which I Just Have to Transcribe follows.
O'NEILL: Humming?
CARTER: I am?
O'NEILL: You are.
CARTER: Sorry.
O'NEILL: What's his name?
CARTER: (Protesting tone) Now why would ...
O'NEILL: ... Humming.
CARTER: Pete.
O'NEILL: Pete?
CARTER: Pete Shannahan, he's a cop. In bed.
O'NEILL: Speeding again are we?
They go on to discuss her patheticness and his inability to deal with it, only not in quite so many words, and agree to be best friends forever anyway. Or, you know, something. Jack does, however, win geek points for correct use of the word “quarks”.
Daniel’s house. He is again sleeping. In bed. It begins to dawn on me that I might have picked the wrong episode for this experiment. Anyway, back in Dreamcago, Sarah is hitting on Daniel with about the subtlety of a sledge hammer. This appears to be necessary, however, and actually scores herself a tea/coffee date, and they all decide to call each other by first name. In another moment of “subtlety”, Sarah says how much she’s been looking forward to picking Daniel’s brain. Osiris removes the devices and scrams, and Daniel wakes up wondering why he has a throbbing red mark on his temple.
Field. Pete and Sam walk. Pete complains about having to watch “Singing in the Rain”. I hate Pete. They debate movies and it’s about as interesting as sitting through 2001: A Space Odyssey In Bed. Pete says he has to go home to Denver. I break out the noisemakers, and then he totally rains on my parade by announcing that he’s taking two weeks’ vacation to kiss Sam in her front lawn. I wish I was kidding. Sam runs inside to go to bed (it’s seven), and Pete reminds us all he’s a cop, and then goes….somewhere else.
DreamCago. Sarah makes Daniel kiss her before she’ll give him his coffee. Where is the line-up for this? Sarah gives Daniel a tablet from “Morocco”, and says she carbon dated it as being 10,000 years old. I was so busy yelling “You can’t carbon date rock!” at the screen that I missed the next few minutes of dialogue, but the gist of it is that Daniel recognizes the Latin derivative and begins to translate. In bed.
Commissary. Daniel is whining about it not making sense, and Sam helpfully suggests he eat something. They wonder if Daniel’s subconscious is trying to tell him where the Lost City is, and decide he should have the dream again to find out. In bed.
DreamCago. Daniel translates the tablet. He tells us what we already know. Sarah encourages him to keep at it.
Carter’s House. There’s a rose and some dressing instructions on her porch. She smiles and walks into her house.
Mountain. Teal’c analyzes Daniel’s dreams, and Daniel calls him Sigmund. I always thought Teal’c as more of a Jung, but I should make generalizations because of mythic archetypes, I suppose. Anyway, Teal’c delivers the Line of the Episode with “With all of your past experiences Daniel Jackson, I do not know how you have slept well before now.” And Daniel tells him correctly that this has been disturbing on many levels. And you cannot make me add bed to that paragraph, so stop trying!
Sam’s House. Sam is wearing the best outfit ever, and has somehow managed to put her hair up in a French Twist. Yeah, the girl’s got no respect for the laws of physics. Pete explains that eleven plus one is twelve (in regards to the mammoth bouquet of roses he passed her), and she manages not to sound too condescending when she tells him she gets it. The two of them then materialize in a party with a big sign that says “Happy 50th Anniversary Harry and Mary”, and as they dance (OK, so Pete has one good quality. I bet you Barrett can dance too!), they say that it’s nice that Some Things still last.
Speaking of Some Things which have lasted, Daniel’s still going in circles with the translation. Sarah comes in to talk to him and he remembers their anniversary dinner. She’s all “It’s okay, this is important” and he’s all “Wait a minute…maybe dreaming about an ex-girl-friend who is currently a Goa’uld is a little more dangerous that I thought, because this is not how things happened.”
Sam’s House. Sam and Pete talk. Pete complains that everything is perfect, but that he can’t handle alphabetized book shelves. Dude, if you don’t alphabetize your book shelves, how the hell do you find anything? My book shelf is divided up by genre and then alphabetized, except for the Tolkien books, which have their own special shelf and the books which are in a series, which are shelved in order of my preference of reading them. Hell, even my CDs are in alphabetical order by genre. I digress this much only because I hate what happens next, so uh….yeah, I have book shelves.
Morning. In bed. Sigh. We find out Pete’s story. It has been argued that Pete only has a story so that Sam would sleep with him, if only for the pity sex. I argue that no one with a face like that would ever get close enough to me to tell a story that would end in pity sex. Pete plays the “How can Radar Telemetry define you as a person card?”, and then starts to get dressed when Sam still won’t tell him what her Highly Classified Job is. I hate this man. Pete then plays every guilt card he can think of and leaves altogether. That was a fast two weeks. Bastard.
In his car, Pete calls some guy he knows at the FBI and has him run a back ground check on Sam. Are we supposed to like Pete? Is he supposed to have any redeemable qualities whatsoever? I mean, Martouf, Narim, Fifth, Joe, they all had qualities. Or at least good grammar. In bed. Pete is so not a nice guy! Argh!
Mountain. Sam mocks Daniel’s idea of a male fantasy. Which is okay, because it’s actually kind of funny, but it would have been funnier coming from Jack. Where the heck is Jack, anyway? Did they lock him in the closet again? Anyway, Teal’c finally puts eleven and one together and points out that the Goa’uld can in fact manipulate memories with technology.
Briefing Room. Hammond, stuck playing catch up for those of us at home who haven’t been breathing for this episode, asks if Osiris could be on Earth and playing around in Daniel’s mind. Sam says it’s possible, and Jack (Jack!) chimes in with “Kinky”. They figure out that Osiris can’t just use the mind probe because Daniel doesn’t actually remember what he knows, and so they are making him take baby steps towards it. Anyway, they figure out what Osiris wants, and decide to trap her with those jamming things that Sam mentioned way back in Act One. Lord knows, I missed it the first time through. So they lay a trap.
Pete is talking to FBIfriend, who tells him that Sam has been covered up. He then compounds my hatred for him by denying that he is dating Sam. Pete then follows her to the base, and does not pick up his phone when she calls him. Hate hate hate hate hate.
Sam’s Lab. Jack (he’s alive!) walks in and asks what he’s missed since Teal’c locked in him the closest way back in act 2. Daniel is apparently supervising the tech guys who are bugging his house, and presumably his bed, and Teal’c is choosing doughnuts for the stakeout. There’s nothing like a good running joke, and this one ever gets a smile out of Sam. Sam says that the jamming device is in the van with the surveillance equipment, which will stop Osiris from beaming out. Jack complains about the darts they will be using, and Sam hits us all over the head with the Physics of the Personal Shield (worth a shot, incidentally). Interestingly, she also says “We know that a tranquilizer dart will get through”, which is exactly what failed to happen in The Curse, but I figure you can’t win’em all. Jack brings up Pete. Sam deflects. Jack leaves well enough alone.
Van. Jack: Daniel? Are you sleeping yet? Daniel: Yes Jack, I’m fast asleep. In bed. I love those two. We see Pete pull up behind them and crack out his binoculars. I hope someone has painted them with that black stuff football players use. Jack refuses to eat a doughnut. Osiris beams in, Sam activates the jammer, Jack and Teal’c move into Daniel’s House.
Daniel’s house. It’s a nice house. But I still like the apartment better. God, can you imagine if they’d had to do this ep in an apartment complex? The sun has risen, and Sam has not noticed that she’s being watched because she’s too busy herself.
DreamCago. Sarah asks Daniel what he’s got. Daniel’s got nothing. In…I can’t. Daniel gives up, wakes up and stares up at Osiris, who begins to massage his brain using a hand device. Which, theoretically, should have been jammed….I’ll stop now.
Osiris takes out Jack and runs through the house. Sam gets out of the car only to find Pete waiting for her, whom she then fails to pistol-whip. Sam tries zatting Osiris, but it doesn’t work because of the shield. Which, theoretically, should also be blocked. Argh! I said I’d stop, didn’t I?
Pete and Sam both fire at Osiris, who stands there and looks at them all “Jeepers, people. On Alpha Centurai they know that high velocity projectiles can’t get through my shield. What the hell all are you trying to do?”, and then her eyes glow (shot!) and Pete is surprised. Osiris shoots the van, which explodes, and then collapses as Teal’c sneaks up behind her and tranqs her. Pete is hurt (yeah!), but Sam calls him an ambulance, and Jack for some reason doesn’t give her the dressing-down of her career. Sam promises to explain everything to Pete, but only if he lives.
Infirmary. Sarah wakes up, and Daniel hugs her. It’s a nice moment, but you can almost hear Daniel’s heart breaking at what didn’t happen to Sha’re. Okay, maybe that last part was mostly me. Daniel promises to get Sarah through this, because that’s the kind of man he is.
Also in the infirmary, Pete wakes up. Alive. Sigh. Sam begins to tell him the truth. He STILL CONTINUES to mock her. I hate him so very much. We fade out on Sam continuing to explain what she does for a living to the man who brought an end to the reign of Black Widow Carter. In bed.