"One day, I might ask you to buy back my soul."
Spoilers: Chain Reaction
Disclaimer: You know, a funny thing happened on the way to the patent office…
Summary: He's to old for tight rope walking.
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The Line
It hits him sometimes at night.
When the darkness closes in around him.
And the weight of it all falls on his chest like so many tonnes of rock.
The things he'd done.
The things he'd do.
If they pushed him.
At home, it was always strangely out of place.
Normal house. Nice neighbourhood. Upstanding citizen.
Secret base. Clandestine information. Ex-Black Ops Colonel.
It was all quite contradictory.
When he was at the base, it was harder to ignore.
Here, there was darkness, and it was absolute.
Here, there was so much rock.
Here, there was nothing to distract him in the night.
Or, at least, there shouldn't be.
He could not bear himself in the dark.
He could not face himself in the light.
He rose and pulled on his uniform.
There were days when he hated it and all it stood for.
All he had done while wearing it.
There were worse days when he was grateful for the protection it afforded him.
For what he had done while wearing it.
He followed the painted stripe to the elevator.
And rode up.
There was a rock outside Cheyenne Mountain Base.
It was where they went to signal the Tok'ra.
It was where he went to think.
It was already occupied.
She sat with her back to him, looking up at the stars.
He wondered why they still did that; look at the stars in wonder.
He supposed that, at the end of the day, they were wonderful things.
"I almost destroyed a planet today."
He hadn't made any noise, and she hadn't turned around.
"There might have been sentient life."
He sat down beside her.
"I had doubts. I knew what would happen. I put Earth at risk."
God, she was going to ask him.
"I could have walked. Resigned. I should have."
He didn't have the answer.
"I was under orders."
He's too old for tight rope walking.
"Teal'c got the naqadah, and I had a whole team working with me."
She should never have to learn.
"But the calculations, the design, hell, the ideas…they were all mine."
There were an infinite number of planets.
"If that wormhole hadn't shut off…"
The Universe was still a very small place.
"I did so much damage."
One day I might ask you to buy back my soul.
She looked over at him, there were no stars in her eyes.
Only dead planets.
"Where do you draw the line, sir? Where do you draw the line?"
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fin