It was easier when I was asleep. Asleep, I didn’t have to worry about walking and thinking, about carrying on conversations and pretending that everything was going to be okay. Instead, I could turn all my thoughts and, more importantly, all my instincts, to myself and thus keep me separate from the clamouring horde.
Every now and then, one of them would try to surface, and sometimes I let it. Sometimes I didn’t have a choice. But every time it happened, it was harder to put it away again, harder to reign supreme in my own domain. I knew that Lorne was there, and when he sang or if he touched me, it was easier to fight. He gave me something to hold on to.
But I worried that in the end, it wouldn’t be enough.
------
They first time that Hannah woke up, she knew who she was. She spoke to Wesley clearly in her own voice and by the time he got to the door to yell for Lorne, she was gone, replaced by a raving woman who cried and asked over and over for her daughter. Wesley couldn’t tell her anything, so he took her hand instead. This calmed her a little and soon she swooned and fell back into the pillows.
From then on, Wes made sure that Lorne was always within hearing distance.
The second time Hannah woke up, her eyes opened slowly, like she was waking from a quiet dream on a hot summer morning. Wesley smiled, half with relief and half to encourage her to wake up the rest of the way. She blinked and her eyes changed. She cocked her head to the side as though trying to remember something important.
“Who are you?” It was Hannah’s voice, but there was something different about it. She sounded younger and far more vulnerable than usual.
“My name is Wesley Wyndam-Pryce,” he said in his softest voice. “You’ve been a little sick. I’ve been helping you get better. Can you tell me your name?”
Hannah’s brow furrowed.
“No,” she said, still calm, “I can’t. Isn’t that strange?”
“It’s probably because you’ve been ill,” Wes said quickly. “It will all come back to you in time, I am sure.”
Hannah nodded, seemingly accepting of her amnesia, and had just opened her mouth to speak again when Lorne walked into the room. He smiled and moved towards her, but whatever she had been about to say was lost in her scream.
“Hannah?” Wes asked sharply.
“What is that thing? Why is that monster here? Who the hell are you people?” she demanded.
Lorne fled as Wesley tried to restrain Hannah from running away.
“It’s all right. It’s all right.”
Wes tried frantically to think of an explanation, but before he could, Hannah’s body seized. She arched up off of the bed and then threw her arms and legs out, smacking Wes across the face. When she stilled, her face slackened and she fell back into unconsciousness.
------
The third time Hannah awoke, Lorne carefully faced the window so she wouldn’t see his face until he knew who she was. Wesley had gone downstairs to help Fred with a spell, and despite Lorne’s assurances that they would be fine, he was worried. The sound of her voice saying his name put his fears to rest. He turned, then came and sat beside her on the bed.
“Hey.” Green hands enfolded her own pale ones.
“Hey.”
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m awake,” she replied. “I remember yelling at Wesley and then…nothing. I have a headache and I feel really…odd.”
“It’s the souls,” Lorne said calmly, squeezing her hands. “Fred and Wes are working downstairs and the others went to find some shaman.”
“And once again, I am the distraction.”
“I don’t mind being distracted.” He smiled at her, then said thoughtfully, “You know, maybe if you sang for me, I could help you myself.”
“Maybe.”
He remembered her smile afterwards. He saw it in his nightmares.
“How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core,
Where I’ve become so numb...”
Something was terribly wrong. This was Hannah’s voice and part of it was Hannah’s soul, but something shone behind her, a light so evil that Lorne could not comprehend it, but so brilliant that he could not look away.
“Without a soul
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back
Home.”
The evil flashed in Hannah’s eyes, locking his gaze with hers. The light of the alien aura burned itself into his skull, but he stayed beside her, helplessly entranced by the depth and darkness in her voice.
“Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I’ve become.”
It wasn’t Hannah. He knew that with more clarity than he’s ever known anything in his entire life. It’s too loud and too violent. So much power has been repressed for so much time and now it’s boiling into his ears and into his eyes and into his mind and he cannot block her out. He tried to reach for her, to make her stop, but the distance between them is suddenly too great and he fell away from her.
“Now that I know what I’m without
You can’t just leave me here
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me
To Life.”
It’s Hannah’s voice and Hannah’s gift, but it wasn’t Hannah’s soul. This was old and evil and it mocked him, taking joy in his pain. His ears bled and his hands could do nothing to block the sound. The power of her voice resonated in his bones and he writhed in agony upon the floor.
“Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I’ve become.
Bring me to life...”
Lorne finally abandoned her, something he swore he would never do again. He left her alone to face the demon by herself because he was powerless to meet it on its own ground. He crawled towards the door, propelled as much by the power of her voice as his own desire to remove himself from its presence.
“Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead”
Lorne cursed the day this song was written, cursed the day the singer was born. He cursed himself for leaving Pylea and cursed the irony and cruelty of the lyrics. He knew that she had chosen this song on purpose, the better to cause him as much pain as possible and his attempt to escape became more frantic.
“All of this time I can’t believe I couldn’t see
Kept in the dark, but you were right in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a voice, without a thought, without a soul
Don’t let me die here,
There must be something more
Bring me to life...”
If only she had stopped singing, even to breathe, he could have acted. He could have knocked her out or fled the room. But she didn’t. Whatever was inside her didn’t need to breathe.
“Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I’ve become.
Bring me to life...
I’ve been living a lie
There’s nothing inside
Bring me
To life...”
The spell was broken as the final words fell from her lips. He gained the door and slammed it behind him, collapsing in the hallway and the blood pooled out from around his head. He screamed for Wes. The song was over, but he could hear her laugh.
------
The fourth time Hannah woke quickly, her eyes flashing, and Wesley knew right away that it wasn’t her. The eyes were too dark, too cold.
“Watcher.” She almost spat it out, like somehow she knew of his disgrace. “She will never get this body back.”
“We have six highly trained and experienced professionals working around the clock to ensure that you and your little friends never see the light of day.” Wesley hoped he sounded more confident than he felt. “Hannah will be back.”
She laughed, a horrible high pitched keen of a laugh, and for an instant, Wesley understood a fraction of Lorne’s pain. The demon was downstairs with Fred, barely able to hear words spoken at conversational volume and feeling entirely useless.
“If you’d like her back, I’ll give her to you, the thing offered.
As Wesley watched in growing horror, Hannah’s own hands locked around her throat. She began to gasp for air.
“Wesley! Wesley, please! Help me.” It was Hannah’s voice. Her eyes lightened as she spoke before darkening from lack of oxygen.
“No.”
“Wesley, please!” Her eyes begged him and he hardened his heart. “Make him stop!”
“No.”
“I’ll kill her, Watcher.” The other voice took over, but Hannah’s eyes remained her own.
“You won’t.” Wesley tried to look anywhere but Hannah’s darkening face, to hear anything but her desperate gasps. “You need her body as much as I do.”
“Damn you!”
The hands released and Hannah’s head lolled back upon the pillow. Her face regained its normal colour and Wesley made no attempt to touch her or aid her recovery. He merely watched.
After a few moments, Hannah’s breathing returned to normal, and her eyes drifted shut again plunging her mercifully back into oblivion.
A knock on the door made Wesley jump. He turned to see Fred.
“Angel just called,” she said quietly. “He’s sending me out to pick up some ingredients we’re going to need. Will you be okay?”
Wesley looked back at Hannah’s limp figure on the bed, and rubbed his eyes before meeting Fred’s gaze again.
“Hurry,” was all he said.
------
AN: "Bring Me To Life" is not mine. Obviously.