by Stephen Gray
Alice was reading a comic book and fell asleep. She dreamt that she was in another land called Loony Land and was invited to visit a Big House on a Hill. Alice entered the Big House and said, "Hello, is anyone there?" The words were just out of her mouth when a lady appeared and said, "We are not all there, but we are here." "Who are you?" asked Alice. "I am Loony Land’s Fictitious Queen," said the lady. Alice who was a bright child said, "I’ve never heard of you." "I’ve never heard of myself either," said the Fictitious Queen, "that’s why I’m fictitious." "Oh," said Alice, "are there more people like you in Loony Land?" "Of course," said the Fictitious Queen, "the place is full of them in our Big House on the Hill, please come in and have tea with us." "I don’t care for tea, could I have something else?" asked Alice. "You can have da anything da want in dis place." growled a funny man. I am drinking da tea with da Queen." "Who is he and what did he say?" asked Alice. "He is Old King Fool," said the Fictitious Queen, "he said you can have anything you want and that he drinks tea with the Queen." "Why does he speak in a funny language?" asked Alice. "It’s because he is word challenged and the people will support him if they do not know what he says,"said the Fictitious Queen. "Oh," said Alice, "that sounds strange, but I suppose that is why you call this place Loony Land." "You are a smart girl," said the Fictitious Queen.
"Hello little girl," said a lady dressed up as a flag. "Here have a flag," and with that she put a flag in Alice’s hand. "Thank you," said Alice, "what’s your name?" "I am the Flag Lady, I give away the flag of Loony Land." And she began to sing, "I give flags here I give flags there Loony Land’s flags are everywhere." "How very nice," said Alice, and waved her flag in the Flag Lady’s face at which the Flag Lady said: "That’s enough, too much flag waving makes me feel dizzy and makes my empty head sore." "Hello little lady," said a finely dressed gentleman. "Who are you?"asked Alice. "I am New King Rule," said the gentleman. "Pleased to meet you your Majesty," said Alice. "I’ve never heard of a land with two kings." "Ah," said New King Rule, "we have two kings because Old King Fool refuses to leave thus making democracy defective." "Then you must have two thrones," said Alice. "Oh no," said New King Rule. "We have three thrones one for me, one for Old King Fool, and one for the Fictitious Queen as well." And at that the Fictitious Queen arrived on the scene. "Where have you been?" asked Alice. "I was away on a long journey to faraway lands," said the Fictitious Queen. "Why did you go there?" asked Alice. "I went there to identify with others, taste some wine and talk nonsense," said the Fictitious Queen. "Did Old King Fool go with you," asked Alice. "No," said the Fictitious Queen, "he was elsewhere talking nonsense." I did take a large party of Freeloaders though." "What are Freeloaders?" asked Alice. "Freeloaders are people just like me who love free trips other people pay for." "Does that mean it costs nothing?" asked Alice. "You are a clever girl," said the Fictitious Queen. "It costs nothing for us Freeloaders because the people of Loony Land pay for everything." "Oh really," said Alice. "The people must have lots of money." "They don’t," said the Fictitious Queen, "but we make them pay anyway." "Let’s go into the garden," said the Fictitious Queen and out they went.
In the garden there was a lady dressed in a black robe talking to herself. "Weeds, weeds the judicial garden is full of weeds, it's a crime, it's a crime," she was crying, "and I can’t find the living tree." "Who are you," asked Alice. "I am Supreme Judy and I am a judge in the court of Loony Land." "Oh, pleased to meet you," said Alice. "I knew a Judy once. She had a friend called Punch and they were clowns." "I don’t like the name Punch," said Supreme Judy, "it sounds violent, but in my court we have clowns too." "That sounds like a fun place," said Alice. "Don’t make fun of the law," said Supreme Judy. "I won’t," said Alice, "though somebody once told me the law was an ass, but I didn’t believe them because I think it is a turkey." "It can’t be a turkey," said Supreme Judy, "we eat turkeys." "Never mind," said Alice, "who cares - ass, turkey whatever turns you on."
"I’m hungry," said Alice, "when do we eat?" "Did some one call me?" asked a gentleman dressed in a costume with the names of restaurants, menus and slogans on it. Some of which said, "Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow there’s more" and "Forgive me my taxes and pay all my expenses" and "You get what you pay for." "Who are you?" asked Alice. "I am Mr. Privcom and I know all the best places to eat for I am not cheap. Come with me." And with that he took Alice and the others to the most expensive restaurant in Loony Land to eat their fill. "Who will pay for all this," asked Alice? "Why the people of course," said Mr. Privcom, "that’s why we call this place Loony Land." Then Old King Fool, New King Rule, Supreme Judy, the Fictitious Queen, the Flag Lady and Mr. Privcom began to sing, "The people will pay, so let us make hay, we don’t have to borrow for there’s always people tomorrow." Alice woke up with a start and thought, I dreamt I was in a place called Loony Land and I had a free lunch with a whole bunch of freeloaders who were out to lunch.
Stephen Gray
Nov. 1, 2003.
graysinfo@telus.net Website http://www.oocities.org/graysinfo
Some info on the Author: Stephen Gray is a writer and researcher on various topics. He published a newsletter for 11 years exposing the misuse of trade union time and money.