By Stephen Gray
Good day ladies and gentlemen, you are all candidates
in the forthcoming election. We are all gathered here
today to put the final touches to the answers you will
give when you go on the campaign trail. First of all
let me introduce myself. I am Barney Sedd or call me
B.S for short. I am your campaign coordinator and I
will be handling the news releases. You could call me
a Fixer. Those who know me, call me Barney the B.S.
er. But remember good B.S wins the Game. First of all
does everyone have the Party answer book? Excellent.
No one has been missed. Has everyone read the Party
answer book? Wow, everybody has read it. What a great
bunch you are. Okay I am sure you are all intelligent
people and are capable of conversing with the public
and the media. My job is to fine tune your answers to
all difficult questions, so that your answers will
sound good while saying nothing. First of all any
questions? Ah, a question. What if we get asked a
question not in the Party answer book? First of all,
you say, excellent question to the asker. Then proceed
to obfuscate. What does obfuscate mean? It means
bewilder the questioner, talk about anything but the
question. Start talking about the mainstream values
of the party and say the party is a big tent, that it
can cover all kinds of views on any subject. That it
has values, is tolerant, diverse and has a vision for
the country. Always use positive and uplifting words.
Or as we used to say in the army baffle them with
bulls---! or to be polite B.S. If you remember my
initials you will be a winner. Tell the questioner
there is a place in the tent for them and that they
are the kind of person who will fit in well with us.
Then say thank you for your question. Then go on to
the next question. What if the person refuses to take
the answer? Good question. Tell them their question is
important to you and you will send them a detailed
reply later. This gives you time to get your B.S. in
order. Remember the name of the Game is to get
elected. Always have that vision in your mind of
sitting in the House doing the peoples business and
doing it to the people. That is your goal. The rewards
are there for the taking.
Now I will introduce you to the three issues that
could derail your campaign if not answered properly.
These are the three issues most of the media will
pass or fail your campaign on. Give the wrong answer
on these and you will be forever known as a bigot,
homophobic, Neanderthal, dinosaur, religious kook,
anti-choice, wingnut, nutbar, extremist etc., etc.
These are the three issues where you must learn to
grovel, slither and answer politically correctly.
First issue is: Abortion. Always remember you are for
Choice, that it is a private matter and if you are
elected you will do nothing to alter the baby killing
business, oops I mean the business of choice. Even say
that you are a “devout” churchgoer but would never,
ever question this “medical procedure” that kills the
baby, oops I mean product of conception. Remember
Choice is now part of the country’s ethics and
morality and if you oppose it your career could be
aborted.
Second issue is: Sexual Orientation. These words have
never been defined, but were invented by a special
interest group. But our learned judges in their wisdom
declared these words as a given. Think of them as a
judicial commandment. You must always say, you are in
favor of sexual orientation and never, ever, say it is
a high risk behavior, which if practiced can bring
disease and death. The media have destroyed some
politicians who questioned this orientation and
reduced some politicians and their leaders to cringing
cowards and made them apologize for daring to question
this lovely behavior.
Third issue is: Capital punishment. Always say you are
against the death penalty even though we have some
heinous criminals in jail who have killed innocent
children.
Remember we are now a caring, tolerant and loving
society that tolerates anything, except people with
principles or morals. In politics most of us have
managed to acquiesce to the Party. Remember the Party
says what’s right or wrong, not you. Again, always
clarify to the media that you are against killing the
killers. Remember the media will do all in its power
to make you or break you on the aforementioned issues.
For some of you this will be your first time running
for office. Should you get elected and I am sure you
will, you will need to have the workings of the House
explained to you. We will pair you with some of the
long time party members still sitting. We call them
lifers. They have been so long in the House that they
will suffer withdrawal symptoms should they ever lose
their seats. They will show you when to say Yeah or
Nay. When to bang your desk like a trained seal and
when to give applause and a standing ovation on cue.
Just watch and follow them. But hey, we are getting
ahead of ourselves. The electoral prize is not yet
won. But remember those famous words of another
politician; “Ask not what you can do for the country,
but what can the country do for you.” Oops I may have
that slogan confused. But hey, politics is the art of
confusing the people. In fact when you are campaigning
you must have an aura of confidence about you. One of
my favorite sayings is: “Always look and talk as if
you can turn manure into gold.” Remember this election
is just like the Olympics and you are going for the
gold In this case political gold. A seat at the table
doing the nations business.
But I digress, back to the business at hand, getting
you people elected. Any more questions. When does your
salary kick in, if elected? I would think immediately
or soon thereafter. After all, you are now on the
peoples payroll and paid you should be. What about
pensions? There is a very good pension plan in place
and it is indexed so you will be well taken care of. I
have never heard any complaints about the members
pension plan. Except of course from the public. But
hey, we only need them at election time. After that
they are on their own. The public are usually pretty
docile. After the election they feel they have done
their duty. Now it is your duty to do it to them.
They have given you all a seat in the House. This seat
is yours for the next number of years until it is time
to play the election Game again. Any more questions?
What if someone crosses the floor to another party? Do
they still get paid? Of course, they do. We are an
equal opportunity House with the peoples money. You
only get fired in an ordinary job for betraying your
employer. But surely none of you are contemplating
doing this just yet? What if people should ask about
ethics, morality or principles of the party being
subverted? Tell them any questions in these areas or
other transgressions will be handled by an inquiry
chaired by an eminent person. This eminent person will
be appointed to look into any matter of malfeasance.
What is an eminent person? An eminent person is
someone who has been through the whole gamut of being
elected, has had a large number of patronage
appointments, is a long time party member and is
available. He or she, will be paid appropriately of
course to come down with the proper answers to absolve
the Party. One day, if some of you last a long time in
the House, you too could become an eminent person.
Something to aim for, don’t you think?
Anyway I am sure you will all do well. Just remember
the little things. Never say what you mean or mean
what you say. Always remember these words: Obfuscate,
obfuscate, obfuscate and you cannot go wrong. As there
are no more questions, we will adjourn. Good luck to
you all. Remember B.S. is the order of the day and I
am only a phone call away. You have been a great
election class.
Stephen Gray
June 8, 2004.
grays info@telus.net website;
http://www.oocities.org/graysinfo