By Stephen Gray
As another session of the House begins, my government is gratified that despite all the allegations of government corruption and missing money, some of the citizens saw fit to re-elect them. The people are always right and if they vote for corruption, then corruption they should get. No matter how much they are robbed, taxed and lied to, many people keep voting for more of the same. Perhaps they get a perverse satisfaction in being punished.
My government has appointed two new judges. Both are outstanding examples of political correctness, and will help the “equality” look on the Bench. One is known for her landmark decision on lowering the age of consent for anal sex to 14 year years of age. Stating this was: “a basic form of sexual expression for gay men.” Though some critics described it as another bum decision from the bench. That remark could be construed as a form of analmosity oops I mean animosity. Of course it all boils down to the “Charter.” Under the “equality” section, one cannot discriminate anally because all anuses are “equal” under the Law. One cynic was even heard to say about the judicial appointment: “Another ass on the bench will make it even more consistent.” A newspaper columnist even described some judges as “public dangers.” And who would argue with that? The other new judicial appointee has been at the forefront in bringing down a same-sex decision in a lower court. Both these judges should fit in well at the Obscene Court, oops I mean the Supreme Court. In fact, my government believes the makeup of the court bodes well for an appropriate decision on the “Gay Marriage” reference to be handed down soon. A cynic might say: “The fix is in.”
The Adscam Inquiry or Sponsorship Inquiry is now under way and is expected to continue well into 2005. Perhaps even longer. The wheels of justice grind slowly as the saying goes. Oh well, at least legions of lawyers are gainfully employed in the process. In fact one report in the press had them perhaps making “$2,000 daily.” Wow, who said: “Lawyers are just working stiffs?” Still, its good to see “working stiffs” profiting from the Sponsorship Inquiry. A press report stated about the Sponsorship Scandal: “A follow-up report last February estimated about $100 million of the $250-million program went to Liberal-friendly middlemen.” Could these “middle men” be working stiffs as well?
Still, what’s a “$250-million program” when my government deals with billions of dollars. Think HRDC scandal and this headline regarding it: “Bureaucracy mismanaged $3 billion, …” This $250 million is peanuts compared to billions at HRDC? Do we have our priorities all screwed up? But, “justice” must be seen to be done and I am sure the Party will come out of it vindicated. In any case the Party has its own lawyers to make sure its “good name” is not sullied. Hopefully its costs will also be paid by the taxpayers as well. The business of government is always expensive and what goes out, always comes back in taxes. A $100 million is only chump change. Just tax the chumps and $100 million or more in change will be back in the coffers.
Now let me digress for a moment. We have some new faces here and also many old faces, I welcome you all to the new session of the House. To those no longer in the House, I send this message, enjoy your indexed pensions, severance, and all the goodies you voted for yourselves during your time here. You deserve them. I am sure some of you will come back for more when the opportunity arises again. People get attached to this place. Also a big welcome back to a former member who decided to make a comeback after being in retirement. Age is not a handicap here, so feel free to totter around and meet old friends. I am sure you will feel as if you have never left. Just ignore those sick jokes about “double dipping.” Good news on another long time member, who lost her nomination to run for a seat in the House. A news report states she, “is making her acting debut” fairly soon. All those years in the House should stand her in good stead. She put on some tremendous performances here.
Another long time member had to leave us, but he was able to get a Private Members Bill - restricting free speech - through the House before he left.. He unfortunately stole, oops I mean “pocketed” an expensive ring while under “stress.” But all that is behind him now and who knows he could be back amongst us one day. He has applied to practice law again and perhaps someday might even become a Supreme Court judge. Anything is possible in these times we live in. A special welcome to those who saw fit to dump their former parties and join the governing party. You should fit in well with the government’s “principles.” Expediency always takes preference over ethics, and pays better. Especially if one is given a Cabinet Position.
Talking about money, I see there were some complaints about expenses submitted without receipts by one of my government’s appointees. We have an “honor” system here and politicians, and all government appointees, are honorable people. So this harsh criticism about a million dollars or two claimed without receipts, is an insult to the honor system. I think it is outrageous that some people would call for a “criminal investigation” over some dinky receipts. I myself have been accused of extravagant habits so I know what it feels like to be ridiculed over spending. I am “above politics” as you all know, and big spending reaps big dividends for the country. Please don’t ask what the big dividends are, as they come under the “privacy act.”
It has been reported in the press that the Socialists, The Bloc and the Red Tories--oops I mean the Conservatives--are going to get in bed together to gang up on my government. This sounds like a political menage a trois to me and is unworthy of our “democratic” system. We are all liberals in this House and even though the parties have different names, we all have the same “liberal values.” We have Tories who are now Liberals sitting in the House. One columnist has even predicted that one of these floor crossing Tories could be our next Liberal leader. So we really are just one big politically correct liberal family. Still it hurts to see the Socialists opposing my government, considering we have imposed the Socialist agenda over the years. We have even appointed a former Socialist as The Minister of Health, and this is the thanks we get. Sadly it goes to show that when people smell power, the “principles” of their parties go into the toilet. Of course politics is a dirty business; but hey, it pays well and that’s what counts. That old saying: “Where there is muck there is money” surely applies. Talking about money I see many sad faces out there in the halls of the shower, oops I mean power. You were going to get another huge raise but too much publicity has caused its withdrawal. Still, you have had big raises over the last few years, so perhaps its time to ease back from the trough. Once things settle down, there will be other opportunities for you to get more money at the taxpayers expense.
In closing let us bow our heads and give thanks to The Charter and its judges. May they continue to rule over us and give us immoral guidance.
I thank you all for attentiveness to this imaginary speech from the throne.
Stephen Gray
October 3, 2004.
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