By Stephen Gray
Recently in the news there were articles about some Pastors and Prostitutes perhaps becoming union members. Should this ever happen would it result in an imaginary welcoming speech like this at the Collective Labor Corporation (CLC) convention?
Opening Speech at the Labor convention by Brother Benny.
Welcome Sisters and Brothers to another great gathering of our laboring movement. I have praiseworthy news on our organizing efforts. Firstly, I am pleased to say we have two newly certified unions in our midst. One is Pastors represented by the Collective Automatic Workers Union (CAW) and the other is the Legitimate Union of Sex Trades (LUST) I feel we are blessed to have a Pastors Union in our midst. I must single out Brother Dazzle and his executive at the CAW for mighty thanks and praise. Good things are happening here and I have visions of a day when all the Pastors of all the Churches will be in the ever loving arms of the union movement. (Mighty roars of Amen to that, Alleluia and Solidarity Forever, echo through the convention hall. A standing ovation ensues).
Brother Benny continues:
I have a vision Brothers and Sisters that the union label will be up there on all the spires of all the churches.
I have a vision Sisters and Brothers that people will go around exclaiming: “ We were saved by the union.”
I have a vision Brothers and Sisters that one day the union movement will be enshrined in all places and in all homes across the country.
I have a vision Sisters and Brothers that the door of every home will have the message on it: “This is a union house of praise.”
( Note to readers: To show that the Union is an equality practicing organization Brother Benny alternates by sometimes using Sisters first in his speech and at other times Brothers. Also he did not want to offend the Union Equality Committee by appearing to favor one gender over another.)
I have a vision Brothers and Sisters that all the little children will be trained for the union in kindergarten, pre-school, junior high, senior high until they reach the highest pinnacle, full union membership. Yay. Yay,Yay. ( One cynical union member is heard to say to his friend: “I don’t know what this guy is smoking but it’s powerful.” To which his buddy replies: “I think he’s a fan of Howard Dean.”)
Brother Benny continues:
I have a vision Sisters and Brothers that this nation will stand up and say: Compulsory union dues must be paid by everybody, even those retired.
I have a vision Brothers and Sisters that this nation will sing with one voice, “Solidarity Forever” and realize that the union is now their home.
And when this day arrives, then we can all say with pride: “Unionized at last, unionized at last, one big union country, unionized at last.” (One union member is heard to say to his buddy, “I have heard of a speech somewhat similar to this somewhere. But I think it was about a dream?” To which his buddy replies: “We have a dreamer on stage right now.”)
Brother Benny continues:
Now let me say a very warm welcome to our other new union the Prostitutes union oops I mean the Legitimate Union of Sex Trades (LUST). Sisters and Brothers of LUST, it is with great pride I see you here today. We welcome you with open arms and are sure you will be of fantastic service to the trade union movement. Who would ever have believed that finally your services to society would culminate in full union membership. Your hours of work are never certain and are open to offers, yet you find time to attend the convention. We are grateful and appreciative for your time here and the work you do. I am sure some delegates may be interested in discussing your work, its fulfillments, its remuneration, its costs and also its hazards. Still, servicing the public is a thankless job, but somebody has to do it and you do it so well. Feel free to ask anyone here if they can be of service to you or you to them. I notice all of you are already wearing the union label which states: “ LUSTing for the union and its membership” A nice touch and a good boost for the union label. We are happy to have you take up residence in the House of Labor. ( Another standing ovation ensues and many delegates are seen embracing the new union members.)
Brother Benny continues:
I have another bit of news for our convention, according to some newspaper reports, it would appear we have a “labor shortage” of strippers in the country. Still, I am told the immigration minister has been working on this for some time. This “labor shortage” has caused some harassment to her in parliament. Some employers are claiming they can no longer get their workers into the country to strip and that their businesses are suffering. I wonder if this is a form of discrimination under the Charter? Anyway we are available to give some assistance to both parties. We are watching this stripping situation very closely, it is very worrying to see workers being stripped of their rights. But, the solution is easy, UNIONIZE them, Brothers and Sisters, UNIONIZE them. (A huge roar erupts, and another standing ovation ensues. And with those positive and uplifting words from Brother Benny, the speech ends at the labor convention)
Stephen Gray
December 6, 2004
graysinfo@yahoo.ca website: http://www.oocities.org/graysinfo
Some info on the Author: Stephen Gray is a writer and researcher on various topics. He published a newsletter for 11 years exposing the misuse of trade union time and money.