By Stephen Gray
The Media Report of the Opening
The Pinko Star April 1, 2010. All Fools Day
The Opening of Parliament
Byline: A. Propagandist. With files from: Barbra Yappy, Jimmy McDolty, and other scribblers too numerous to mention. The Corrupted Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) The Globe and Garbage Pail, The Van-Queerer Sun, and Corrupted Press (CP)
The opening of Parliament today was an impressive spectacle. First to arrive on the steps of our hallowed halls was our esteemed Prime Minister (PM) James, accompanied by his beautiful wife, John. It was noticeable that James had shaved his moustache off for the occasion, though John still had his well trimmed beard. The lovely couple waved to the cheering crowd of onlookers and kissed for the cameras. Next to arrive was Governor General Fanny and her husband Annie, both females were resplendent and regal in long colorful dresses. The beautiful occasion was slightly marred by a gang of protesters, who carried placards, reading: “Marriage is between a man and a woman, anything else is a perversion”- “Get the Perverts out of Parliament”- “ Judicial jackasses should be removed from the Bench” -“Something Queer is happening to the Law.” Both married couples ignored this information and carried on into the parliament building.
These protesters are an affront to a decent society. They are extremists, intolerant, bigoted and hateful. Still, it was nice to see we still have law and order in this country. The Hate Crimes Police arrived shortly after and arrested those people who still think family values are NORMAL. How dare they bring their obscene and outdated views onto the Hill; the veritable seat of democracy.
Two former PM’s were in attendance at the opening: two men who had changed the face of the country forever. Wheelchairs were provided for them as they were now quite elderly and in their dotage, but a cynic was heard to say that they had never been anything else but in their dotage. Oh well, opinions are opinions. There they were, side by side, seated in their chairs each with a copy of the hallowed Charter resting on their knees. A picture of a former PM, who had ushered in this Charter Book of Wisdom some years ago, smiled down on them. This Smiling Fuddle Duddle of a PM had his name engraved on the Charter for all to see. Oh, what a contribution these people have made to our country! To paraphrase a former great statesman: “Never has so much been done to so many by so few.”
A nice touch from one of the former PMs was his giving away of golf balls to all who spoke to him. The balls had his initials on them. He is reported to have said to those receiving them, “Play da golf, da golf balls are free.” When asked about the secret of his success in winning elections, he said: “Advertise is da best thing, da message costs taxpayers da money, but da winnings are da thing.” Meanwhile, the other former PM, not to be outdone, was giving out pins with a ship on it saying: “Company Service is Laudatory (CSL).” A fine uplifting message for those in the financial world. Still I digress.
A Pastor from the State Church, “The Church of Equality and Everything” (CEE) gave a Charter blessing to all and said, “If we do the right thing, then rights will be rights that are rights. Right!” The red robed Supreme Court Judges in attendance were heard to say, “Right on.” They were also seen stamping their feet in approval from their raised dais in the House. A huge cheer also erupted and a standing ovation was given after the Pastor’s uplifting words on “rights.” Bedlam reigned for a few minutes. A heckler was removed from the House after shouting, “Get certified, you flaming lunatics.” Then decorum returned.
The Governor General in a speech from the throne told us of upcoming legislation to change the language laws as a new bill was in the offing. The words mother, father, mum, dad, indeed any words associated with a difference in gender would be deleted from all government documents and from all sources of information. The reason being these words were a form of cruelty to children in our country of equality and tolerance, and could confuse young minds. It was also felt that these words were no longer pertinent in our society of today so a Bill to change these words would be brought forth soon. National Day Care centers now funded by the government and fully unionized would be in the forefront of using new words for parents: Mumdad and Dadmum have been suggested. The children would be taught to repeat them every day until they could sing, “My dad is a mum and my mum is a dad, I don’t know the difference, but I’m really, really glad.”
Two prominent union bosses in attendance at the opening, Comrade Dazzle from the Compulsory Automatic Workers Union (CAW) and Comrade Gibbering-Etti from the Compulsory Labour Corporation (CLC) later assured me that all THEIR members were fully supportive of all these upcoming changes. The two comrades also said they had been writing letters for years to various PM’s assuring them that all THEIR members were behind every issue that was non-work related. They also said huge amounts of THEIR members’ compulsory funds were spent on numerous issues unrelated to the workplace. They said one big issue they had supported a few years ago was, “same-sex marriage” and they had written PMs saying ALL their compulsory membership supported it. They also felt that they were not given enough credit for their assistance in helping change society to the state it was in today. I had to agree with these Presidents of the Proletariat. Many of us media scribblers are in trade unions and do not expose the work these workers representatives are doing with their memberships’ compulsory funds on non work related issues. In fact, the two comrades floated an idea that could bear fruit in the future. Unionize the whole country, then there would be no dissenters allowed and no protesters either.
Another bill in the upcoming session would be that marriage would be expanded further. It was felt that right now, it was too restrictive and it should be open to all kinds of combinations. No limits would be placed on the numbers participating so polygamy would be okay, as would any other kinds of relationships, as long as they passed the Charter test of equality, which they were sure to do. The Charter has never failed us yet. Cheers were heard from the spectators gallery, when this was announced. A group called Loving Incest People (LIP) were heard to shout “Incest is best, we’re the same as the rest.” Shouts of “Incest now” were also heard. A person with a German shepherd in the gallery shouted, “I love my dog, my dog loves me, we want to marry, we want equality.” His dog barked approval on hearing his words. Some parliamentarians waved to the gallery in support, others gave the thumbs up sign. A nice touch, I thought, from these servants of the people.
A touching spectacle later was the new speaker of the House, Robby Ringworm, being dragged to the speakers chair by the PM and the Leader of the Opposition. It was nice to see Robby back in the House as it would be like old times again. Robby, a few years before, had been the prime mover in the “Hate Crimes Bill” and now he was back in his rightful place in the “House of Democracy.” Another ring a ding, ding, ding doing his parliamentary thing. Robby blew a kiss from the speaker’s chair to his old colleague Glibby Famous who waved in return. Glibby later stated that the only disappointment on this first day of Parliament was the demonstrators outside who were pretending to be decent family people. Glibby said they were “intolerant,” “bigoted,” “vile,” “obscene,” extremist,” “hateful,” “noxious” etc. etc. etc. Hell has no fury like Glibby’s view of society if it’s scorned. I had to cut Glibby short even though she is very informative. I had a deadline to meet. Still, Glibby is always available to the media and one must be grateful for that. This finishes this report on the opening of Parliament.
Stephen Gray
Feb. 7, 2005.
graysinfo@yahoo.ca Website: http://www.oocities.org/graysinfo
Stephen Gray is a writer and researcher on various topics. He published a newsletter for 11 years exposing the misuse of trade union time and money.