By Stephen Gray
Dear Brothers and Sisters in Union Religious here are
tentative proposals for our first contract in the
unionized church.
Church Openings:
The churches will be open for coffee mornings on a
Wednesday. Hours will be from 10 am until 12 noon.
Coffee pourers will be paid the industry hourly wage
scale. This scale will be from the hospitality
industry standard. Any time spent later than noon will
be overtime. Time and one half for the first hour and
double time thereafter. Please note any other days
than a Wednesday constitutes immediate overtime.
Church Services: The church will be open for weddings,
funerals, christenings and any other services that
crop up. Remuneration will be paid at hourly rate -
still to be decided - depending on the ability to pay
of those receiving these services. A heavenly rate of
$50 dollars minimum an hour has been proposed by one
unionized church member. His rationale is that lawyers
and others charge over $100 dollars an hour, so
surely being saved is worthy of decent recompense.
After all: “The laborer is worthy of his hire” as the
good book says.
Sunday Church Services:
There will be two church services on a Sunday and only
two. Though one will be allowed where need permits.
The first service will be 9 am to 10 am precisely. Any
variance in these times will constitute overtime at
the rates already mentioned.
The second service will be 11 am to 12noon. Again
these times will be precise, any variations or
deviations from these times will be at already
mentioned overtime rates.
Sermons:
Sermons will last a maximum of one half hour. Should
sermons go over the time stipulated, overtime rates
will apply. Please note, some people might feel
encouraged to sermonize longer, thus causing overtime
to be paid. We would ask you to show some diligence
as we do know some people will continue to talk
themselves into overtime.
Statutory Holidays:
These will consist of Christmas Day, Boxing Day,
Remembrance Day and all the other days that are in our
unionized brothers and sisters contracts. Any work
done on these days will be overtime at triple time.
Now you know the real meaning of “Happy Holidays.”
Strikes and Lockouts:
A strike will only occur after a vote of all our
unionized religious. Should a strike occur no one, and
it is stressed again, no one will cross the picket
line. We will not have any Scabs amongst us.
Lockouts:
Should there be a lockout at any of our unionized
churches we will issue a hot edict. Then all Hell will
break loose. No scab preachers will be tolerated.
Grievances: All grievances must be in writing and
handed to union delegate at first opportunity. Make no
mistake this union will go to bat for its members at
first opportunity. We know how to use bats if bats are
needed. Still, we will not cast the first stone but
neither will we allow our union religious to be stoned
unjustly.
Health and Safety:
All preachers will be issued decent service gowns, new
prayer books and any other religious accoutrements at
church company expense. These will be renewed every
two years at no cost to preacher.
Safety Shoes: Appropriate safety footwear will be worn
at all times. This will be supplied by the church
company. Two pairs of new safety shoes will be issued
yearly. All church premises will be inspected by a
union committee to ensure that they are all up to
union health and safety standards. Unsafe work
conditions will not be tolerated.
Sick leave: Pastors will accumulate sick leave at 7
days per month. This fits in with biblical principals.
For example the world was created in 7 days.
Annual Vacation:
The first year of service will be one months paid
vacation. Thereafter two weeks per year of service, to
a maximum of 52 weeks vacation. Please note vacation
time can be taken in cash or cashed in at any time.
Seniority:
Seniority will take precedence at all places of
worship. The senior preacher will have first option on
any vacancies anywhere at any time. After all, those
who labour long in the vineyards of the union church
should have some blessings come their way.
These then are our first contract proposals for the
Unionized Church.
Respectfully submitted to you by your union brothers
and sisters in religious solidarity of the Collective
Automatic Workers Union (CAW).
Stephen Gray
Nov. 16, 2004.
graysinfo@yahoo.ca website
http://www.oocities.org/graysinfo