Having A Baby? Remember... It's Your Party!

Especially if this is your first baby, you're faced with about a gazillion and a half choices between "uh....what does it mean if there are two lines?" and "honey, we're so proud of you, getting your Magna Cum Laude astrophysics degree in three years". Even if it's not your first baby, things may have changed -- or you may have changed -- since the last time around, and you're ready to reexamine your options. Whatever your situation, you're looking at the facts, the figures, the experiences of others who've faced the same choices, and working out for yourselves what feels right.

That is, after all, what really matters. Countless books and expert columns, with supporting data from scientific studies, provide a myriad of choices. One book "proves" that cosleeping with an infant is best; another "proves" just the opposite. What's a parent to do? The simple answer - and the right one - is that you, as parents, do what feels right to you. You trust your gut instincts, your intuition, your "inner voice".

But I don't have any intuition when it comes to parenting, you might say. What you are most likely saying is that you haven't read or been told anything that strikes the right chord within you. There is certainly a dominant set of practices in every culture with particular guidelines for raising children. In America, and to some extent most Western countries, that set of practices includes the following: Mother is given a certain set of tests during pregnancy; the hospital is the place for birthing; a first-time breech birth requires a C-section; an infant sleeps in its own crib; vaccinations are routine preventative medicine. If you haven't been presented with any alternatives, it's hard to determine if these practices reflect what you really want for yourselves and your baby - or to even know that you have a choice.

Beyond your choices, there is a respect for the choices of others. Certainly what you choose for your own family will seem best to you. Bear in mind, however, that that doesn't make it best for other families! Each of us secretly (or not so secretly) believes that our choices are the right ones; our response to someone else's different choice varies from acceptance (if it doesn't hit close to our hearts) to dismay (if it does). Some of us feel compelled to explain just why our own choices are the right ones. The information we want to impart can be very useful if our conversational partner is unaware or underinformed regarding that particular alternative. Often, however, we aren't seeking to inform; we are seeking to convert. But you know what? You can never convert someone from her own beliefs to yours. Either your audience already agrees with you, or she simply didn't know about it but it fits with her existing beliefs, or she disagrees and continues to disagree. The only thing you can do is to pass on information, and pass on your viewpoint and experiences. What the recipient does with that - always - is place it into the context of her own life, and make the right choice for herself.

And that is the crux of these pages. There's nothing inherently right or wrong with any of these practices; they only become positive or negative in the context of your own family, your own desires and needs. (We assume that you are basically responsible people, with a desire to nurture your baby; clearly there are practices which are negligent or even abusive, but if you are reading this, you needn't worry about yourselves.) What are the many options for taking care of myself and my baby during pregnancy? Where can I give birth? What kinds of pain relief are available to me? What is within my control, and what should rightly be turned over to my caregivers? (Whether you have a non-emergency C-section, it may surprise you to learn, is your choice.) What are my options in feeding my baby? In sleeping him? In diapering, carrying, and immunizing him?

But knowing your options is more than having a list of alternatives. You also want to know the effects of each choice. What do two cups of coffee a day really do to the baby? Is it bad for my baby if I have an epidural? Is it bad for my baby to labor too long? Will my baby be happier if he sleeps alone? Will he be happier if he sleeps with us? Will he get allergies if I give him formula? Will breastfeeding exclude my partner?

Some of these questions have relevant factual data: statistics, long-term studies, and the like. But even these can only be answered by you and your family. Maybe the statistics indicate that breastmilk is best, but what if you develop insomnia from low estrogen levels and can barely function during the day? That hardly qualifies as "best". Will it rankle you that your husband can sleep through the night while you must attend every feeding? Will you sleep more soundly with your baby next to you, knowing you'll hear even the tiniest sound, or will you lie awake horrified that you might roll over on him? Find out your alternatives, decide what seems right to you, and, above all, be flexible. That waterbirth that sounded so lovely during your pregnancy may seem claustrophobic during labor; the epidural you were sure you'd need might not be something you want in the moment.

Your joy and confidence as parents depends, to a large extent, on your confidence in your choices during this period of your lives. To be thoroughly informed is to be able to choose. You may choose a scheduled C-section; you may choose a home birth. You may stay home with your child; you may return to work when he is a few months old. The most important thing - for you and for your baby - is that you have chosen these things. And you can only choose when you know what your options are.

If this is not your first baby, don't fall into the guilt pit over past choices. If you knew your alternatives and freely chose that time around, guilt probably won't be an issue for you. But you may not have had any idea just how fluid and individual parenting can be. If that is the case, don't worry! Have a look at your first child (or children). They're really doing fine, aren't they? Perhaps you'll discover things while reading these pages that you wish you could have done (or not done) then. Let it go. You did your very best then, given the information you had. And you'll do the same now.

And remember....your best choices aren't necessarily the best choices for the woman next to you. However passionately you feel about your decisions regarding breastfeeding, cosleeping, diapers, immunizations, diet, birthing centers, C-sections, epidurals, monitors, and all the rest - well, the woman passing you in the mall feels just as passionately about hers. And neither one of you is "right"...which means neither one of you is wrong, either. Do your best to extend your respect for your own choices to the choices of others. The world could use a lot more tolerance and a lot less dogma, and what better place to start embracing diversity than with pregnant women and babies?

None of this is to say that you shouldn't act on your firmly held convictions, or be frank about your opinions. You'll get an eyeful of my opinions in these pages - but if I've done my job well, you won't feel I'm trying to railroad you into making the same choices I've made. And obviously I believe tolerance for diversity is important, and I'm urging you to practice it. Does this mean I'm right? No! You'll decide for yourself on that.

Clearly, there are some basic tenets that most of us hold as sacred and inviolable, and we don't - and never will - have tolerance for people who don't agree on that. The sanctity of life (disregarded by murderers) and respect for others' well being (disregarded by those who commit child abuse, among others) are two big examples. You'll never find me saying, "Tolerance for child abusers! Hey, they just march to a different drummer!"

But these are Big Deals, and I don't believe that any of the choices presented in these pages are Big Deals. Sure, they make a difference. But they are all based on a foundation of your love and concern for your baby, and none of them is deliberately undertaken in order to cause someone harm. And in that case, I do believe that each alternative is worthy - though I might not make that particular choice myself.

Enough philosophy...on to the meaty stuff! Grab a cup of your favorite warm and cozy beverage, pull up your favorite chair, and enjoy!