At a Bega Uniting church camp in 1993, me and a mate of mine (Rob Irvin) created a skit which we called "The Linguist". The idea was to translate the Bible's Psalm 23 into terminology used in English which was really complex and confusing, as well as being very literal. So here it is.
The idea (if you want to use this as a skit) is for the "Assistant" to read out the lines of the true translation one at a time, with the "new" version of the line read out by the "Linguist" directly afterwards. I have also included the foreword we created, to be read by the "Linguist" before beginning.
It works best if neither the "Assistant" nor the "Linguist" crack a smile throughout the whole thing (especially the "Linguist"), and if performed by the "Linguist" in a deadpan. (Note: the "Linguist's" lines are in italics.)
Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
Even though I walk
Through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
For you are with me;
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
In the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
All the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
© 1993 Robert Irvin & David Grasby
It occurred to my person some duration past that the existing rendition of discrete segments of the Biblical transcript may be more appropriately represented in modern English by the employment of a fresh translation. To this end, with the succour of my assistant, I will endeavour to proffer an amended rendition of that most famous extract and instituted Psalm, Psalm 23.
The 23rd Composition Of The Psalmist
The Lord and I are in a shepherd-sheep type relationship,
I shall not require any goods nor services to be bestowed upon my person.
He requires me to be in an open grazing area in a horizontal resting posture,
He directs me alongside non-disruptive bodies of naturally-occurring liquid substances,
He rejuvenates my non-physical self.
He leads me in my expedition towards correct behavioural practices
For the beneficial gain of His entitlement.
Although I progress in an upwardly mobile orderly fashion
Within the topographical declination of imminent non-life,
I will not be overcome with trembling in the view of incorrect behavioural practices,
Since I sense the aura of your existence surrounding my person;
Your wooden fibrous shaft and the accompanying stick-like structure give rise to an emotive force of general well-being.
You organise a horizontal wooden plane for use in consumption in the directly forward area of my personal space
Within the perceptible vicinity of other persons who find me disagreeable.
You pour a vegetable-based substance upon my cranium;
My vessel for the containment of beverages exceeds maximum capacity.
There is a high probability that uprightness and goodwill will move towards me from a reverse aspect
Throughout the duration of my non-death period,
And I will exist as a tenant in the encampment of shelter-providing places of residence under the ownership of the aforesaid Lord
Forever.
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