CROW: I want to hurt this movie, but I can never hurt it like it hurt me.
ACTOR: Is this the man?
MIKE: Why, no, sir, you da man.
JOEL: Lost Continent?! Well, I lost my keys before, but this is ridiculous!
CROW: You know, if we pretend we know what's going on, this is actually kind of exciting.
TOM SERVO: If you only see 10,000 movies this year, make sure this isn't one of them.
CROW: Do the Wounded Turkey!
MIKE: In the future, geese will be rocket-powered.
TOM SERVO: What do you think the lesson of the movie was?
CROW: Don't watch it.
ACTOR: Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement.
MIKE: I disagree!
JOEL: Kids worship the darndest things!
CROW: Mike, I'm gonna look at your shoes for a while. It makes about as much sense.
CROW: Man, if it gets any wilder here, a bridge game's gonna break out.
TOM SERVO: Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand!
MIKE: Crow, how could you make a deal with the devil?
CROW: How could I not, Mike, with prices like these?
MIKE: And our brave hero roasts the disabled man.
ACTOR: It is everything and nothing.
CROW: Could you be a little more vague, please?
MIKE: So what is additional dialog, anyway?
CROW: You know. It's stuff like, "Hey you!", "Get off that!", and "Why not?"
JOEL: I never thought the end of the world would be so annoying!
ACTOR: How do we stand on fuel?
CROW: I'm in favor of it.
TOM SERVO: No spiders were squished, stepped on, flushed, or made to suffer any emotional distress during the making of this film. One spider did die of old age; we have two letters from doctors confirming this.
CROW: No one will be admitted during the breathtaking car parking sequence.
JOEL: Find a Chevy, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck!
DR. FORRESTER: I'm a scientist! I don't think, I observe.
CROW: Original soundtrack not available. You'll thank us.
TOM SERVO: I could watch this stuff all day, Mike.
MIKE: Oh, you will.
FIRST ACTOR: Fire laser gun!
SECOND ACTOR: Fire second battery!
CROW: Fire screenwriter!
TOM SERVO: What's a dead man but a live man without any life?
CROW: Get a bunch of women together, it's either witchery or a wedding shower.
TOM SERVO: This is my rifle, this is my gun. One is for retail, the other's for fun!
JOEL: Crooks are always dropping obvious clues. It's really a desperate cry for help.
TOM SERVO: When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
TOM SERVO: Any moment now, unspeakable horror! Trust me!
MIKE: Life is so hard when you're stupid.
JOEL: Antigravity! It's not just for breakfast anymore!
MIKE: You know, with this digital technology, the suckiness comes through with great clarity.
DR. FORRESTER: As a scientist, I'm constantly working with materials that threaten life on a global scale, and, sometimes, they spill...
JOEL: Never take help from a guy named Pinky.
CROW: Dead people have too much time on their hands.
TOM SERVO: Six-year-olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can't be beat.
ACTOR: It's not possible! It's not possible!
CROW: We're out of Triscuits?!
CROW: Ha ha ha ha ha! No, I mean, you look great!
DR. FORRESTER: I see you've decided to go psycho. Godspeed.
TOM SERVO: Don't lose your footing! I-I mean, flying power!
CROW: His only crime was being born delicious!
FRANK: I just wanna be Bavarian for one brief, shining moment! Is that so wrong?!
JOEL: I have performed surgery before, and although the patient didn't survive, I feel quite confident.
ACTOR: How do we get out of here?
CROW: Maybe by not being idiots.
DR. FORRESTER: Oh, accept the pain, Frank!
MIKE: Help! I'm falling at a sixty degree angle, breaking all the laws of physics!
TOM SERVO: Ah, the gripping luggage sequence.
JOEL: Never trust a man with two first names, especially if one of them's a woman's.
CROW: Do something, Joel! This aggresive niceness is making me feel really uncomfortable.
NARRATOR: There was the bed to be made...
JOEL: And the maid to be bedded!
CROW: He's in a attic... uh... attic... uh... Attica! Attica! Attica!
TOM SERVO: Look! A huge distracting thing!
CALLIPYGEAS: Citizens, as you may notice, I'm wearing "pants," thanks to the gods!
JOEL: It's like he wants to order a pizza, but doesn't dare.
CROW: You know, it's economical to not have a storyline, 'cause then you can just film people saying things.
DR. FORRESTER: It's supposed to hurt, it's science!
CROW: It seems as though my doom is imminent. So - how are you?
MIKE: How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry!
TOM SERVO: And now for your enjoyment, some suggestive scenes of jets refueling.
JOEL: Hi, I'm dangerous to myself and others!
MIKE: All characters depicted are very stupid and disgusting.
TOM SERVO: Any similarity to actual persons would be really sad.
DR. FORRESTER: Do you want to make people's heads explode? Sure, we all do...
CROW: Boy, I'd bet it'd be scary if we could make out what it was.
CROW: I have my doubts that this movie is actually "starring" anybody. More like "camera is generally pointed at."
MIKE: You know, they shouldn't have set their phasers to "miss."
ACTOR: I'll drink to that.
CROW: But I'll drink to lint, though, so it's nothing special.
TOM SERVO: He's the kind of guy who would stick his tongue on a frozen flagpole twice.
GYPSY: Quiet on the set! In this scene - Crow, you're a little girl, and you climbed upon a stack of boxes containing highly flammable pajamas. Okay, action!
NARRATOR: You can see that this boy needs help.
JOEL: He's a loser, and the kids let him know it.
CROW: You know, my apathy is palpable at this point.
MIKE: The crickets are trying to drown out the soundtrack.
CROW: Go crickets!
TOM SERVO: Dolphins: one of the smartest mammals on Earth. Do they wear pants? No! But they wish they did. That's how smart they are!
CROW: I question the relevence of this scene.
NARRATOR: An airplane shouldn't stand crooked.
CROW: Like Daddy on Friday night.
ACTOR: So, dinosaurs became extinct because they no longer knew how to love each other. Is that right?
TOM SERVO: In a wrong kind of way, sure.
CROW: So, uh, do you guys know any songs about stock footage that could get us through this?
TOM SERVO: I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said, "I just don't know."
ACTOR: You know, the professor taught me everything I know.
MIKE: It took him twenty seconds.
JOEL: Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I've allowed the bots to tape a "spontaneous," funny home video for America's Goofiest Home Videos. So here's to risking your life in the interest of some national TV exposure.
FRANK: Hey, what did you need my keys for?
MIKE: Um, your lights were on.
FRANK: Oh, okay. I... Hey! I don't have a car!
MIKE: Well, what did you give me your keys for?
FRANK: I dunno, I thought I left my lights on.
TOM SERVO: The computer problems of Murray and Joe make for gripping cinema.
ACTOR: Don't blame yourself, Son.
CROW: It's not your fault you're a chunkhead.
GYPSY: Hey, can you guys keep a secret?
CROW: Nope.
TOM SERVO: Never could, never will, Gypsy.
TOM SERVO: Prepare the effeminate mobile.
MIKE: Oh, hey, who do we got here?
CROW: Mike, it's Joel! He's the guy who made us!
TOM SERVO: Yay!
CROW: He's gonna fix our ship.
TOM SERVO: Yay!
MIKE: Yeah, I know you. I'm wearing your tube socks!
MIKE: Did you see that?
CROW: What? Oh, it was probably Martin Van Buren again. And he was trying to say, "Hi, I'm Martin Van Buren, eighth president of the United States. I was born in Kinderhook, New York..."
TOM SERVO: Uh, Mike, this is called kissing. Maybe you can try this with someone someday.
MIKE: Well, thanks, maybe - hey!
FRANK: I know! Let's play ring toss... with your soul! Yay!
CROW: Butterfly kisses gone horribly wrong.
MIKE: Butterdie kisses.
JOEL: Hey, come on you guys. Hey, this communicator is not a toy.
CROW: We called Dominos and we ordered thirty of your Earth pizzas.
TOM SERVO: And we're gonna get them free for sure, because there's no way they can get them to us, at all!
JOEL: That makes a lot of sense, Servo. Very good.
CROW: And we learned something else. You can order pizza for other people, too.
TOM SERVO: I sure hope Dan Quayle is hungry!
CROW: Filmed in glorious black and slightly less black.
MIKE: Well howdy, folks, Mike Nelson here, and uh, welcome to the Satellite of Love. Hehe, Richard Attenborough. Uh, before we get started I should tell you that I just put my hands in something very cold and wet! Ick!
CROW: Thrill as they listen really hard!
TOM SERVO: Marvel as they listen even harder!
MIKE: Get the holy drippings and make the sacred gravy.
ACTOR: You must take the great trip...
MIKE: We're going to grandma's?
ACTOR: Dive into the nothingness...
TOM SERVO: Watch MTV?
CROW: Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of three!
TOM SERVO: Would you stop with the damn compassion?
MIKE: Oh, the inanity!
ACTOR: Now, it may sound selfish...
TOM SERVO: But I want everything for me!
CROW: He's a cop. He's a rabbi. They're cops. Except for the rabbi.
TOM SERVO: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant.
ACTOR: Do you mind if I smoke?
JOEL: I don't care if you burst into flames!
TOM SERVO: Taking action is for effective people.
ACTOR: How do you take your scotch?
CROW: By the quart.
TOM SERVO: Bite me, I'm a toaster strudel!
CROW: Mike, I'm going to ask you to kill me now. Mike, please kill me.
JOEL: Their technology must be light years ahead of ours! Their use of stock footage is amazing!
TOM SERVO: You have my word of honor that the story I have been telling is the truth... Okay, mixed with a little fiction... All right, I'm lying my butt off...
CROW: Mike, will you tell me the name of your favorite Japanese theater?
MIKE: Noh.
CROW: Why not?!
DR. FORRESTER: We don't want you to pray for us, we want you to pray to us!
TOM SERVO: A pentagram, and reindeer laughing. You figure it out.
JOEL: I just never imagined the future being lit so poorly.
CROW: Spacemen just don't look at home in a breakfast nook.
TOM SERVO: Do not induce vomiting.
CROW: The movie will do that for you.
JOEL: It's not so much the apocalypse as it is the humidity.
TOM SERVO: They're not dead, they're just metaphysically challenged.
CROW: I don't get it. Is it cool to make no sense, Joel? Is it hip to be vague?
ACTOR: The clock's running backwards!
TOM SERVO: That means lunch won't be 'til yesterday!
JOEL: Titanium - it's the feel-good mineral of 1999!
TOM SERVO: I give not a crap for thee.
CROW: He's like an idiot savant - minus the savant.
ACTOR: Have you got the bird of happiness?
CROW: Well, we've got a pretty friendly
chicken...
TOM SERVO: So, in a way, pain is good. Otherwise, we might be hurt and not know it and die during social studies.
CROW: No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him.
TOM SERVO: This has been a test. Had this been an actual movie, you would have been entertained.
JOEL: Oh. We're in hell. Neat.
CROW: I hate movies where the men wear shorter skirts than the women.
TOM SERVO: Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?
CROW: Even though your feet smell like cheese, we prefer to think they smell like good cheese.
ACTOR: Food?! Is that all you can think of at a time like this?!
CROW: You mean lunchtime?
BRAIN GUY: I'm not that omnipotent, Pearl.
JOEL: Off to meet my doom, Mom! See you after school!
TOM SERVO: I laughed... I cried... I cried a lot!
CROW: You know, your records just don't sound the same once they've been through a space-warp.
TOM SERVO: The plot thickens - like rancid pea soup...
JOEL: I've been called a lot of things in my life, but never a corn spy!
CROW: Shouldn't we be carefully placing these comic books in plastic bags?
TOM SERVO: No, we have lives.
FRANK: Always be yourself and wave your freak flag high.
CROW: What color is the sky in your world, Joel?
TOM SERVO: My shorts are never boring.
JOEL: Thank you, Tom.
CROW: Pajamas, jazz, and communism. This is wild!
BOBO: No, you're out of order! You're out of order! The courtroom is out of order! The candy machine by the men's room is out of order!
TOM SERVO: The great monsters of the cinema: Frankenstein's Monster! Dracula! Paul!
FIRST ACTOR: Don't I get a kiss?
SECOND ACTOR: You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing. Now go!
MIKE: So she threatened him with sex?
TOM SERVO: England, the land of jug-earred, chinless stomach-eaters.
CROW: Still, they're not French.
ACTOR: Activate the gravity curtain.
TOM SERVO: Or the venetian gravity blinds.
ACTOR: There's absolutely no reason yet to fear the worst. Until now, we only know that the plane caught fire and that we've lost radio contact.
MIKE: Well, there's absolutely nothing to be worried about.
CROW: I hate it when a movie kills of a beloved character... This is great, though!
TOM SERVO: You know, Space Chief should really try going up into space sometime.
CROW: Yeah, he's more like Lower Atmosphere Chief.
MIKE: Barely Off the Stupid Reading Chief.
TOM SERVO: Well, the movie lost me. It lost me, and it's trotting off without me.
MIKE: I didn't want to bungle or bobble the Fingal dopple.
ACTOR: May four captains bear thee like a soldier to the stage.
CROW: Captain Spaulding, Captain Kangaroo, Captain Crunch...
TOM SERVO: This will fool them unless they look at it.
CROW: Never store combustibles with your old people.
MIKE: Wool Over His Eyes Man!
CROW: Easily Bamboozled Man!
TOM SERVO: Three Steps Behind Man!
CROW: Here's a little advice for the mutineers: just stop and aim, you idiots!
ACTOR: No, our bodies are being kept alive with machines at the hospital!
MIKE: My body's hooked up to a snow blower!
CROW: Hey, Hamlet, why don't you Ram-let?
TOM SERVO: Shut up, Claudi-ass.
MIKE: You know, a lot of people have compared this scene to the climactic chariot scene in Ben Hur. Yeah, you know, they usually say, "Ben Hur was really good. This movie totally sucks."
JOEL: Tom, what are you doing?!
TOM SERVO: Just playing God. It's going pretty well.
ACTOR: It was a rainy day... she and Mickey were working up there in the greenhouse...
MIKE: And he shot her.
ACTOR: She left him to go back to the house for a few minutes.
CROW: Then a lion jumped out and shot her - at least, that's what Eric said.
ACTOR: The way we've pieced it together after the accident is that -
TOM SERVO: She got shot.