Maria felt a familiar ache creep into the small of her back. She had been getting them pretty regularly since her pregnancy. Steve used to rub his thick fingers into the spots where it hurt the most, working out the knots. Now, the best she could do was rub her back against the door frame or press it hard on the floor.
She did that now, sitting first on the couch, she pulled herself forward with her quads until she could easily slip over the edge of the seat onto the floor. Then she stretched out her legs, resting her back against the couch and pulled herself forward; digging her heels into the knap until they were again bent.
Maria let out a deep sigh. If only she could have found rest, just for a moment, following Steve's death. She could still feel him in the house. The children needed her more than ever now.
She gazed at her old fashioned vaulted ceiling. "I'm exhausted." She said to it. "The kids won't be back for another hour. Maybe if I just close my eyes for a moment..."
In her dreams these past weeks, she had revisited those sticky nights in which she made the decisions that changed everything. At first she had run from him, nauseated that a widely pitied physical trait could be so important to him that he would... The unspoken request was more than she could take.
She slept on the couch at a friend's, pounding the flat pillow and trying to arrange her arms. How ironic, she'd thought with a smirk, they seem to be in the way. He paged her constantly, left messages everywhere. He was sorry, he loved her beyond reason.
But she kept the truth about their breakup a secret. Most of her buddies assumed he'd had some kind of affair. They were rude to him, often as she sat nearby, listening. She let them rant. Her heart was speaking and she was listening. Quietly, she listened, only to realize she wasn't as angry with him as she had thought.
Perhaps her reaction had sprung from the idea she had thought he would present, that she thought he was going to speak of tender things. Instead, the imagery of willful amputation-- flashes of the lab cadavers, dead cats and firld trips to the hospital overwhelmed her. She saw bandaged limbs and painful scars, not white dresses, new furniture and fat babies.
One week passed. Two. He never stopped calling.
Maria, Maria... I can't live without you...
Bang! She bolted up, immediately placing the sound. The door hit the wall again. He'd promised to fix that. "Mommy, Mommy!" Her sturdy little men ran into the den, covered in icecream and studded with sprinkles. They embraced her instinctively, falling on her. Maria shifted her torso forwards and spread her legs wide.
"Mommy, we got icecream!"
"I can see that." She smiled, bringing her big boys in for a hug. Three years already... Josh squeezed and patted her leg, while Christopher squirmed and tried to get free. Maria noticed the short pudgy shadow in the doorway. She looked up. "How did they do today?" Stephanie McMillen was a new addition to the household, hired at the advice of her lawyer. Maria hated to admit it, but she did need a break from the kids now and then. She also could use some help cleaning up. Since Steve had died, she'd been trying to keep things going on her own. Although Stephanie had moved into the guest room just under two weeks ago, she had made a noticable connection to the boys.
"Augh, they were just fine, Mrs. Kent." She replied in her light Irish brogue, just a bit out of breath. "Though, I think I'll keep them away from the vendors the next time around." Maria laughed and let Christopher go. "Will you be given the little monsters a bath or shall I?"
"I think I'll do it, Steph. Do you mind putting the rest of the dishes in the machine? I've been cleaning all morning."
"Not to worry. I'll do that and get at those boxes in the garage."
"Oh, I'll meet you there. Just let me get them cleaned up and down for nap." Maria scooted back just a little, but Joshua didn't want to let her go. It was clear that he had taken his father's death much harder than the resilient Chris. He took every opportunity to hold onto her and had started to suck his thumb. It was one of the things the social workers had noted, normal as it may have been considered had he exhibited this behavior and had an AB mother.
She addressed him quietly, "Josh, let Mommy go, so I can get up."
"Nooo!" Joshua cried, in his awesomely willful way. "I want to stay with Mommy. I want to hold Mommy now." He squeezed her tighter.
Maria took a deep breath. "Josh, you need a bath and you need to take a nap. That's why you feel so icky right now. Now, let Mommy go."
"No!" He whined, somehow realizing he could keep her there if he wanted to. It had been quite some time since the boys had gotten too big for Maria to stand up while one of them was in wrap, let alone holding her around her neck.
Maria lifted her left leg and tried to push him off, as gently as she could from that angle, but he saw it coming and pressed onto her tighter, causing her to tip over backwards. He bumped her head on the couch.
"Ouch, Josua, let me go. You pushed Mommy over and hurt me. Let me go."
Christopher, who was watching from the corner of the room, ran to the kitchen and grabbed Stephanie by the hand. "What's this now?" She said, drying her other hand on her towel.
Christopher let her go at the door and Stephanie rushed in when she saw what had happened. "Now you let your mother be, you naughty child!" She scolded, grabbing him up in her capable arms. She dropped him down by Chris and shooed them off to the bathroom, adding, "You aught to be ashamed of yourself."
Then she turned to Maria, who had begun to sob, quietly, partly because of the throbing bump on her head, partly because she was trapped by her own child who didn't know better. At that moment she felt she was failing on all fronts.
Stephanie put her arm around Maria and helped her onto the couch. She rubbed her head, trying to find the offended spot. "Now don't you worry none, Mrs. Kent. These kinds of things happen to mothers all over the world. Anyone can see you love them kids. Now you get them tears out of you as fast as you can, cause you've got to go give those boys a bath."
Maria leaned into Stephanie and cried.
To Be Continued
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