What is a language - J.P. Benfield
APL is not a language. It's a plot to sell customized keycaps and
to cause your numeric keypad to wear out before the rest of you
keyboard.
ADA is not a language because the military uses it. Any language chosen
by an organization that pays $7000 for a toilet is not a language.
ALGOL is not a language. It's what happens when a programmable calculator
throws up into a card stack. Great way to get the CPU hot enough to pop
popcorn on.
ASSEMBLER is a language. Any language that can take a half-dozen keystrokes
and compile it down to one byte of code is all right in my books. Though
for the REAL programmer, assembler is a waste of time. Why use a compiler
when you can code directly into memory through a front panel.
BASIC is not a language. It's a plot to sucker poor unsuspecting consumers
into believing that they should buy a computer because ANYONE can learn
how to program.
BLISS is not a language. It's ritualistic typing exercises that result
in error listings longer than your source code and about as useless.
COBOL is not a language. Any code that sounds like a textbook for accounting
101 read by a pro wrestler is not written in a real language. It's also
a plot to make secretaries believe that they know how to program.
C is almost a real language. (see assembler) Even the name sounds like it's
gone through an optimizing compiler. Get rid of all of those stupid
brackets and we'll talk. (see LISP)
EFL is not a language. It's a way of writing FORTRAN code without
admitting to using FORTRAN.
FORTRAN is not a language. It's a way of turning a multi-million dollar
mainframe into a $50 programmable scientific calculator.
FORTH is not a language. It's the word between third and fifth mispelled.
JCL is not a language. Anything that runs on an IBM mainframe and ENJOYS
it is not a language.
LISP is not a language. LISP is a way to give young programmers instruction
in matching brackets in source code.
LOGO is not a language. It's a way to simulate 'skid marks' made by
turtles with serious bowel control problems.
PASCAL is not a language. It was an experiment combining the flexibilty
of C with that of a drug-crazed peguin. It is also the 'language' of choice
of many CompSci professors who aren't up to handling REAL programming. Hence,
it is not a language.
PL/I is not a language. It's a dialect first spoken by dinosaurs and
later implemented in order to scare CompSci majors into new career choices.
RATFOR is not a language. It's a oxymoron. Nobody that programs in
Fortran is rational (unless they use it for coding adventure games.
Then it's a real language in that context). What's a RATFOR? For adding
ambience to an otherwise boring sewer expedition.
RPG is not a language. (See JCL) Often used to destroy high-speed band
printers with a slip of the fingers during coding.
SMALLTALK is not a language. It's the stuff that occurs around water coolers.
Combines the power and flexibility of LOGO with the fabulous string
handling capabilities of FORTRAN.
The following is a comparison between Comedians and Compilers that
atleast one person should find somewhat amusing...
Monty Python : 'C++ / Objective C'
----------------------------------
Some people pretend to know what its all about, but the fact is
many of us don't know the half of it.
Eddie Murphy : 'C'
------------------
Slick, Popular, and Dirty. What's not to like.
Arsenio Hall : Turbo Pascal
---------------------------
Tries to look/feel/be like C, but it just doesn't have what it
takes... And never will!
Johnny Carson : Pascal
----------------------
Its been around forever, but has anyone ever found a use for it?
It seems to owe so much to all the popular gained by those that
have taken from it.
Jay Leno : Modula-2
-------------------
Newer than pascal, but doesn't improve on it.
Bob Hope : Cobol
----------------
How much more can they do with this Dinosaur?
Andrew Dice Clay
----------------
Either you love it, or, you don't! Admitting it in public however,
is a completely different story.
George Burns : Fortran
----------------------
Every time you forget about it, its having a birthday party and
your reminded that it exists.
Roseane Barr : Ada
------------------
JUST A PIG!
The names of the Specialist and Customer in this transcribed
conversation have been changed to protect the guilty.
This is the kind of call you can expect when you have one
minute left on your 4 hour phone shift for which you've
already taken 17 calls.
S: Hello, what can we do for you today?
C: What name? [The Voice answers back in a Chinese accent.]
S: [Relunctantly] My name is ____ ______.
C: [spelling in the background, then] T'ank you.
S: How can I help you today?
C: My system broke. [Pause]
S: What seems to be the problem?
C: It no work. Need Data Base up soon.
S: Oh, ah ... What Operating System are you using?
C: We no hospital!
S: Ah ... An Operating System is the program that makes the computer
work. You do have a computer, don't you [trying to liven up the
conversation].
C: Of course, that why me call.
S: Well, what kind of computer do you have?
C: A broken one, it no work, that why me call.
S: Does it Boot Up okay? [Probing for any clues.]
C: This no shoe store!
S: Of course, "Boot Up" is another computer term, meaning to start the
system, to "bring it up".
C: We bring it down.
S: Huh?
C: We in basement.
S: Oh ... Can you give me some more details of the problem, when did it last work?
C: It work Friday, no work today. [Today is Monday, of course.]
S: Did you do anything different between Friday and today?
C: Yes. [Pause]
S: Could you tell me what you did different?
C: Me no think she would like me to tell.
S: I mean with the computer.
C: Do IT with computer, you in Californiaor something?
S: No, what I meant to say was, did you "turn it on" [oops]... I mean,
start it the same way you did Friday?
C: No. [Pause]
S: What did you do different?
C: Me try start it. [Pause]
S: You didn't try to start it Friday?
C: Of course not, Herby did it.
S: Can I talk to Herby. [Hoping that an opening has been made.]
C: Me no think so, but me new to this country.
S: Is anyone else there that I could talk to?
C: Me the technical person, what you want to know ...[starting to get
angry he continues] The computer work Friday, no work today ...[some
Chinese words better left untranslated, and then, calming down]
Please, you must help, boss real mad if he come and computer no work.
S: Will Herby be in a little later? [Still hoping for that opening.]
C: No, Herby died.
S: Oh, sorry to hear that.
C: It okay, me no like him anyway.
S: Did Herby leave any instructions?
C: No, they in car when he hit water tower.
S: Oh, were you able to recover the instructions?
C: No, he had in head. But I did dry off everything.
S: It was pretty wet out there?
C: No, down here, we in basement. You no remember?
S: Of course ... It was wet in the basement, with the computer equipment?
C: That what I say, can't you help me get computer working?
S: Have you thought of calling Field service? [Trying to pawn him off]
C: They leave your numbers on terminal last month, I call you.
S: Field Service worked on your system last month, do you know who they
were? [Thinking to call them her/him-self]
C: Bob and Phil.
S: Have you contacted them?
C: They contracted enough, they from California.
S: Well, it sounds like your computer got wet and it's not working now,
is that the case?
C: You slow, aren't you?
S: Sometimes ... But is this what has happen?
C: Yes, but it all dry now, still no work. [In background you heard
someone shouting to someone else to move the fan to the other side of
the disk drive and to wring outthe towels by the console.]
S: I think you first need to contact the hardware people and have them
check out the computer. Electronic equipment can be very sensitive to...
C: Always blame hardware, and hardware blame software.
S: I really believe the first problem may be hardware, we could help you
with the software once we know the hardware is working right.
C: You know CICS? I need talk expert.
S: CICS ... Isn't that an IBM Data Base?
C: Of course, you slow. It no work now. You software support, you help
software work, right?
S: Yes, but I work for ...
C: [Cutting in again] Enough, me want to talk to your manager.
S: But we're not even the right office ...
C: Enough, you too slow, me need help now, not next week. Me talk to
your manager.
S: I really don't think we could help you, you see we work for DIGITAL and ...
C: Computer is digital computer, IBM 3033. Me want to talk to manager.
S: Okay, but I don't think ...
C: You no think, you too slow, you no help. Me call other number Bob
put up, expert names Ken Olsen. Me have office and home phone.
S: Ken, but you don't ...
C: Oh, you know Ken, maybe he know more than you, bye, bye.
S: But, but ...
C: Me give Ken your name, tell him you no help, then me get real help.
[Dial tone comes.]
If you were this specialist would you:
(1) Go home sick.
(2) Go home sick and claim you never came in that day.
(3) Plead ignorance when your manager's manager calls
you into his office about half an hour from now.
(4) Drive into the nearest water tower.
(5) Get as many DEC phone numbers as possible and go to
work for IBM.
Zadnjič je na numeričnih nekdo pisal nek program in (tik pred koncem ure) zapisal takole :
for x:=1 to n do begin i:=i+Simps(x,x+h,f); write(x,i) x:=x+1 end;
Kmet bulji vanj in mu rece, da tole nekako ni najboljše.
Osebek bulji v Kmeta in se zanima, zakaj ne.
Kmet mu razloži, da se bo tako x v vsaki iteraciji povečal za 2.
Osebek reče "Aja" in popravi zadnji stavek v
x:=x+1/2
In Kmet se je odhehetal ven.
Nazaj na Zbirko vicev / Nazaj na uvodno stran
Zadnja sprememba: 22. 4. 1998