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-to paddle or to float?-

posted by Thinking Juan on Monday May 05 2003 @ 2335

My dear friend, Chelle, shared this 'parable' from her friend. right now, i am on this boat. Flowing down this river where you not sure it leads you to. I can choose to lie down and let the river current bring me to wherever it goes. OR, paddle hard, with my own hands, and go towards the direction of the pot of gold i want. The paddling needs my energy and demands a lot from me. On the other hand, the lying down on the boat is effortless. Drawing a parallel to my relationship now, should i continue to float wherever the river brings me to, or starts to sit up and paddle to search for the pot of gold which i have always wanted in life. I am confused. I am scared.

Do i love myself enough, to let others love me? Do i? Have i?

They say the person you love most in this lifetime, will not be the person you will end up with in life. Is that true?

I lost myself. I stopped loving myself after i left church. I start to put my love in other places which i thought they could make me happy. Am I on the right track?

The river runs deep. But, if i do not paddle, i might just fall into a waterfall and die. And never never never, get to the pot of gold which i have always wanted. What do You want?

-Wrong person. Wrong destiny.-

posted by Not-so-Happy Juan on Wednesday April 30 2003 @ 2340

~lousy night i am going through now. The anticipation turns into disappointment. Every time. Anticipation to see you eat Big Mac and watch tv together. Well. No. Off you went to fish. Without even informing me that you are not coming. Till i call you. Now. Who Am I? Your Gf? or yr Spare Tyre? I try not to bother you when you are at home because u said you are stressed and have lots of work to complete. Fine. I try my best not to call you. I called. And u told me to go n sleep because you cannot do work with only one hand. After waiting till so late. Fair? Nope. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Again, i hear my heart break. I feel my tears flowing. An overwhelming of disappointment within my soul. Not because you cannot be here right now. Because. I tried my best to fit you too. I do not want to be named selfish and not understanding enough. Well. TOo bad. I was too late to make an appointment with you. Fug. i am now last on your list, aint i? U know i have a blog. But do u come and read? I wish you do. But you don't. Do you want to understand me more? I do not know.

~I wish i have more courage to do the things that i know i should do. Really. But, i fell into the hole. Every time i climbed up a bit, you use your feet and push me down. When can we ever come to a level of compromise for each other? you feel constrained while i feel unloved.

-Some changes are made to make reading easier!-

posted by emotionless Juan on Sunday April 27 2003@ 2036

How is everyone? I have faced quite a situation at home. Almost thought that my family will be a victim of SARS when my poor mummy had fever from Tuesday onwards.wow. Her fever did not subside even on Friday evening, which really worried me a lot a lot. Was on the verge of calling ambulance from TTS to fetch her for check up. Till her church mate sent two packets of 'cactus juice' over. I dissuade her to consume it as i was told that the 2 packets of juice cost 200bucks. I was very skeptical of such nutritious supplements. after my tuition at 10, i was told that she felt better and her temperature had fallen! It's amazing how God works at time. Never imagine through cactus juice. Never. Even then, i doubted. Thank God that her church mates encouraged her to drink.

I have stop working and thinking for the past few days of my life. this 'crisis' at home was draining. Every moment, i was contemplating what i should do to ease my mummy's agony. i have stopped work for SMUSAIC and my CS project. Time to Move on. Sorry SMUSAIC mates for my absence.

A PRUDENTIAL lady, Si Hui, was promoting to me about a new 'Saving-cum-Insurance' plan to me this afternoon at Toa Payoh Hub. Well, i signed up. But, i am given 14 days to think about it. They offer a 4% interest rate for the savings i put in. At the end of 25 years, i get a retirement sum of money. Should i go on with this plan? Need advices!!

My aim for this online space is to inject lots of photographs. I duno why, but i have this phobia of taking photographs when i am out. Scared of what, i asked myself. And to my dismay, it's 'PAISEH'. DUH! i am disgusted at my 'thin skin' sometimes. So ashamed. Why am i so afraid to do things? I wanna get out of this zone where i do things because every other person is doing it. But, because i want and i really want!

-to err is human. i am a human after all-

posted by relieved Juan on Monday April 21 2003@ 0221

::separation::::to give myself and himself a chance::::not willing to give up yet.::::to learn to be a greater human being::

::shopping spree to find my power suit with Ying::::in the end, borrowed her power suit, bought a top from Fashion Lab::

She spent so much. But my top costs me 40bucks though. :) they say i look nice. well, it's a change to my wardrobe though.

had sakae sushi today. emm, i think i am having too much of sakae already. :X

-::::::::-

posted by disillusioned Juan on Sunday April 20 2003@ 0340

have you ever called someone for the whole day? and could not get through.

Have you ever waited for someone to call? and have you ever felt that you have no trust what the other person is doing behind your back?

a relationship without trust falls and crumbles.

why am i trying to build it up? when, all i get are just crumbles and not wholeness?

i think i really lost this game. this game of love.

-edited at 0525- he finally said it. he finally wants to break up. and why am i fickering? and why did i feel my heart pain? and why did my tears keep flowing?