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Monday, August 18 2003
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STOP IT!!! NO MORE!!! BIG FAT DETOUR SIGN!!! |
10:49 AM
Aight, I got my new site up a running and looking pretty enough for readability. I still have a few touches to make but go there from now on. groovitude.chicks-dig-it.net Ok? Good. Go. NOW!! WHY AREN'T YOU THERE!?!? WHO KNOWS WHAT POSTS YOU ARE MISSING RIGHT NOW???????????? Eh, you're right. It's probably just some entry about my obsession with Chinese Monkeys. Oh well...
-Spork the Dork
Sunday, August 3, 2003
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THE MALE MIND CAN ONLY FOCUS ON ONE THOUGHT AT A TIME |
8:56 PM
I stole this from fugly.com's victims...
Males are predictable. Adolescent males are even more predictable and that's why they always make such great victims.
If you're a woman you probably already know this. Mention that you're physically attracted to a man and his brain will instantly shut off. This is so that all available blood can be safely re-directed to the penis. It's sort of like shutting off your computer before you unplug it. Seriously. It's a medical fact.
Look it up if you don't believe me.
I have no idea who this poor kid was. He just IM'd us out of the blue. He was apparently trying to contact his friend, Rachael to ask if she had 'bragg' but, whatever the hell 'bragg' is, it soon took a backseat to Rachaels's secret admirations and other affairs of the heart.
ra3ch3lth3gr3at was actually one of us here at Fugly.
The innocent victim in all of this is RockClmbr2002
HERE's what happened.
RockClmbr2002: rachael, do u have bragg?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: who is this
RockClmbr2002: trevor
RockClmbr2002: do you have bragg?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: no i don't hon
RockClmbr2002: oh, ok, nm then
RockClmbr2002: thnx neways
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: your welcome sexy
RockClmbr2002: what?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: you know i never told you before but i think you're sexy
RockClmbr2002: ok, like, are you Rachael? or is someone else there cuz this is a little scary
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: its me honey
RockClmbr2002: ok, well, what have you beeen doing lately?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: not a whole lot what about you?
RockClmbr2002: um, well, i hjave been thinking about you
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: oh really?
RockClmbr2002: yes really, alot of time
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: and what thoughts have you been having about me?
RockClmbr2002: well, it was.. nothing really
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: you were doing alot of thinking about me but it was nothing really?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: hey you don't have to be shy with me
RockClmbr2002: oh, ok, well, i don't know how to put what i felt in words
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: well why don't you try
RockClmbr2002: well, ok, but what do u want me to say?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: its not about what i want you to say or what i want to hear sweetie
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: its about your feelings
RockClmbr2002: oh, wel, i don't know what to say, rent u an geof?
RockClmbr2002: nm
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: no but i think you have feelings for me
RockClmbr2002: what kind of feelings?
RockClmbr2002: and would that be god or bad?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: you know romantic feelings i've seen the way you look at me
RockClmbr2002: well, do u like those feelings that u see
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: i have the same feelings for you
RockClmbr2002: oh
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: yes when i see you i get a tingly feeling all over
RockClmbr2002: well, um, i have soathing to say to
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: yes?
RockClmbr2002: well, i should apologize if i led u the wrong way, um, yeah
RockClmbr2002: the thing I wanted to say was, "Alex"
RockClmbr2002: sorry
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: what about alex?
RockClmbr2002: well, she is the love of my life
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: i know that sweetie thats why i haven't made a move on you before
RockClmbr2002: well, what happened w/ Goef?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: he's a nice guy
RockClmbr2002: well, don't u think, nm
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: but he's lacking in some areas
RockClmbr2002: like what?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: well its kinda hard to explain
RockClmbr2002: oh, well, what do u see in me?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: well Geof is nice but he's a minute man
RockClmbr2002: oh, ok
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: and i do like him but its not satisfying
RockClmbr2002: oh, and i am?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: when it comes to that thing i'd much rather be with you
RockClmbr2002: oh, ok, what about like fletcher, or trent, or even lucas?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: well i do have fantasies
RockClmbr2002: omg, relly?
RockClmbr2002: omg
RockClmbr2002: woww
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: well you do too!
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: i got news for you mister we females like it too and have our own fantasies
RockClmbr2002: like what?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: well i know you guys
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: you have all sorts of naughty thoughts
RockClmbr2002: go on
RockClmbr2002: please do
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: i'll bet you've fantisied about haveing more than one girl in the sack haven't y you?
RockClmbr2002: um, well
RockClmbr2002: uh, do u eally want me talking bout this
RockClmbr2002: do u enjoy ur little fantasies
RockClmbr2002: and what happens in these fantasies, rachael?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: come on its a common fantasy amoung men
RockClmbr2002: well, all guys are different, u dont't know bout me
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: i do enjoy them
RockClmbr2002: what happens in them
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: true but tell me you haven't once thought of me and Alex and you together
RockClmbr2002: well, i dont really want to b sharing that rigth now
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: i know you are uncomfortable
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: she is yourlove and thoughts of sex with someone other than her might make you feel bad
RockClmbr2002: if i said yes to u, would u want to make love with me
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: yes i would
RockClmbr2002: what if it was 2morrow
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: yes tomorrow what time? my place or yours?
RockClmbr2002: and what do u think?
RockClmbr2002: would be best
RockClmbr2002: place and time
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: its up to you
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: is there anything special you want me to wear
RockClmbr2002: well, i don know, r ur parents home
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: crap i think moms gonna be home tomorrow
RockClmbr2002: oh, ok, does nebody else know about it, ne friends, ppl, etc.
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: GOD NO!
RockClmbr2002: would u ever tell?
RockClmbr2002: ne one?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: NO! i know you love alex alot it would kill her if she found out
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: and Geof. i like him too i'd hate to hurt his feelings
RockClmbr2002: oh, ok, r u serious about doing it?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: yes can we do it your bedroom?
RockClmbr2002: impossible, my parents, and my mom is always home
RockClmbr2002: plus how ould u ge here
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: ok lets meet some where
RockClmbr2002: like where
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: how abotu at Alex's house?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: she's right here with me.
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: want me to ask her if it's ok for us to have sex at her house?
RockClmbr2002: bull shit she is not there
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: Trevor. This is Alex.
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: I can't believe you are trying to have sex with Rachel
RockClmbr2002: what is this
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: I came over here to talk to Rachel and you wrote to her
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: what the hell do you think you're doing, Trevor?
RockClmbr2002: i am not doing anything shes the one who started it
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: Oh, please. I've been watching the entire time, Trevor.
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: it was funny at first but then you started trying to have SEX with her???
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: Trevor, you told me that you loved me!
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: NOW YOU WANT TO f*ck RACHAEL?
RockClmbr2002: I DIOD NOT DO ANYTHING ALEX
RockClmbr2002: ALL i did was ask her if she had bragg and then i was going
RockClmbr2002: she started and I was just joking anyway
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: I don't believe you and I don't ever want to see you again, Trevor.
RockClmbr2002: ALEX
RockClmbr2002: LISTEN TO ME
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: NO. goodbye, Trevor
RockClmbr2002: ALEX
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: i hate you and i hope you DIE!!
RockClmbr2002: ALEX
RockClmbr2002: rachel tell her the truth that you were just joking with me
RockClmbr2002: rachel
RockClmbr2002: answer me please
RockClmbr2002: this isn't funny it was just a joke so why wont you answer
RockClmbr2002: alex
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: sorry trevor
RockClmbr2002: this isnt funny
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: i thought it would be funny but then you got all serious
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: this is rachale again
RockClmbr2002: I DID NOT
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: alex left
RockClmbr2002: YOUR tHE one who started this
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: im really sorry
RockClmbr2002: where did she go?
RockClmbr2002: this is not even funny rachael
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: please trevor im really sorry
RockClmbr2002: you just messed up my whole life
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: im so sorry
RockClmbr2002: is she gone or is she still there
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: she ran out
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: i think shes downstairs calling her mom
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: are you ok?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: trevor
RockClmbr2002: im here
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: im so sorry
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: but i really do think about you like that all the time
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: i know this is all crazy now but do you still?
RockClmbr2002: are you serious?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: yeah
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: alex left and i dont know
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: you said you were thinking about me
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: is that true?
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: i really do think your sexy and
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: i dont know
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: nevermind
RockClmbr2002: this is crazy
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: im sorry about alex
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: are you mad at me?
RockClmbr2002: no
RockClmbr2002: im not mad
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: so do you still want to meet?
RockClmbr2002: yeah i do but this is all messed up now
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: you do
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: do you still want to have sex?
RockClmbr2002: yeah but
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: you do?
RockClmbr2002: yes i do
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: TREVOR! THIS IS ALEX STILL.
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU
RockClmbr2002: this is just crazy
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: I HOPE YOU f*cking DIE TREVOR YOU LIAR!!!!
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: I WILL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN!!
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: I HOPE YOU DIE AND GO TO f*cking HELL TREVOR!
RockClmbr2002: i cant take this
ra3ch3lth3gr3at: I HOPE YOU DIE AND GO TO HELL!!
RockClmbr2002: [user has logged out]
-Spork the Dork
Thursday, July 24 2003
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I LOVE THE NIGHLIFE, I LOVE TO BOOGIE, DISCO ALL NIGHT LOOOONNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!!! |
6:07 PM
Well, I just got back from my trip to Vegas. Never been there before and I just gotta say that it's one bright town. No need to sleep cause there's always something to do and no need to blink because there is always some hot chica walking by (or if you go to Caesar's Palace, some of the statues of Greek women are tasty....) Anywho, mucho fun. I recommend Blue Man Group to anybody 'cause that was an amazingly sick show.
But Alas! I am back in Rainbow, back to my life, back to....well, um, did I already say Rainbow?
Fast-Forward, I'm working outside, looking all hot and sweaty (ladies, take that however you want to, yeah baby.....I'm a loser) and one of my neighbors offers me a drink. I'm like, sweet, free stuff. I'm a sucker for free stuff. I'll take anything that's free, as long as it's being offered. Dirt's free, but I don't usually take dirt. So I go inside thinking lemonade or cold soda or something. But I gotta be careful with what food or drink I have because if I don't like something, it's hard for me to fake it.
Even when I play it safe, though, things happen.
Like drinks. Even after sporadic attempts for years, I could never get used to Coke. My dad drinks Coke so I would have to drink it for dinner. Can't stand it. Diet Coke I really like, Pepsi is good, Diet Pepsi has no taste. Dr. Pepper. If you know me, you know that if I were dying, the only way to save me would be a direct IV of Dr. Pepper into my system. Failing that, anything sweet is the general rule. My neighbor offers me a drink. Unsweetened tea. I almost jump in, but decide to wait out the choices and go for water. Not what I would like though because I must have Purified water. Preferably bought, filtered is good, tap makes me cringe and have a spazm in the Kitty Litter box. It's not pretty. Then she says there's cranberry juice. Yum. I don't like cranberry juice. But I don't want to be rude and not drink anything and the choices are slowly going downhill.
"I'll have cranberry juice," I say.
"It's organic," she says.
Hmm. I wonder what this warning is all about?
"That's okay," I say.
"It's unsweetened," she says. "You add your own sweetener."
Uh-oh. It wasn't a single warning. It's a multi-stager. The multi-stage warning often ends in disaster, for you say 'that's okay' to several innocent sounding questions and the next thing you know there's an elephant in your garage. Now I have serious misgivings, but like she said, you add your own sweetener, so that should be fine, right?
"No problem," I say.
"It's concentrate."
Oh no. There we go. Organic, unsweetened cranberry concentrate. Now I should be out, way out, but after you say 'yes' to the first two warnings, you're already in.
Out? I can't get out.
"Hmm, that's all right." She hands me a jar of concentrate. Organic, unsweetened cranberry concentrate that I mix up myself.
I don't see how anything can go wrong here.
I read the label on the jar and it tells me how much to put in a glass, so I follow the instructions and it pours out like cranberry motor oil. Then I fill the glass up with water, mix it up with a spoon, and add three packets of artificial sweetener.
The first sip tastes like cranberry battery acid, a kind of apocalyptic world domination liquid designed to destroy the brave but hopelessly outmanned opposition. Struggling to maintain consciousness, I feel my pupils constricting and my fine motor reflexes crumbling. Goodbye to all of you. Remember me to your children.
"We were wasting money at the store and figured we could just make our own." She smiles innocently. Indeed they were. I would imagine this jar of concentrate would last several centuries.
I think maybe she noticed my dreamy smile as I headed toward the light. "You can add more sweetener," she says.
Oh, I'll add more sweetener. I'll also surreptitiously pour out about a fourth of the glass and refill it with water. Eight packets of additional sweetener later, I try another sip. Absolutely no difference. Incredible. Eleven packets of artificial sweetener and nothing. I could heat it over a Bunsen burner to pack in as much sugar as humanly possible, and even at the super saturation point, it would still taste like a fruity spinoff of last month's dirty socks with a quart of bile.
I've got a full glass of this poison to drink. Romeo and Juliet could have finished themselves off with one sip of this stuff.
"How about a sandwich?" Oh yeah. That's what I need. I'm about to go Jimi Hendrix on the kitchen floor here--what I need is something else to worry about. She opens the refrigerator door and brings out a tray of--something. It's some kind of meat, but it's this off-brown color that I guarantee no one outside of this house has ever seen.
It's shaped like a Quonset hut.
I frantically try to remember if Soylent Green was ever packaged in an alternate color, like holiday M&M's. Think, man, think!
Ever so casually, I say "Hmm. Looks good. What kind of meat is that?"
"It's PAM," she answers. Dear God. It must be a generic equivalent of SPAM. Is this some kind of Zen koan? How can you have a generic substitute for what is already a generic substitute? Suddenly I long for the low-grade deliciousness of full-bodied, regular SPAM.
This is a direct tribute to my state of mind when I'm back from Vegas and return to what is known as Rainbow. Not only do I suddenly believe that there is a generic, lower-grade version of SPAM, I immediately accept it as the most logical possibility.
The relatively happy ending to this story is that she was saying "ham," but my ears were still ringing from my last sip of cranberry acid and I hadn't heard her properly. True, it was brown ham, and I've never seen brown ham before, but it wasn't PAM, so I happily ate my obligatory half-a-sandwich and savored my good fortune.
I can hardly wait for dessert.
-Spork the Dork
Friday, July 18 2003
12:00 AM
Um, yeah. Becca and I are 18 now. Thank you. Check out the High School marquee either today or tomorrow to see what my mommy did. She's dope like that. Peace, goodnight.
-Spork the Dork
Saturday, July 12 2003
10:35 PM
Hey, if you read this site could you email me at grooovitude@yahoo.com . I'd like to know if any of this stuff gets posted for a reason. Thanks.
-Spork the Dork
Saturday, July 12, 2003
3:18 PM
The amazing story of why I haven't posted in a while. Let's just say it involves a loaded gun being aimed at my face.
-Spork the Dork
Thursday, July 3, 2003
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KINDA LIKE COUSIN EDDIE FROM NATIONAL LAMPOON CHRISTMAS VACATION |
8:13PM
This hick from down the hill (Cousin Eddie as I will from now on refer to him as) is actually beginning to be quite frightening. I consider this a good thing. Everyone on our street is worried about these people. As of yesterday morning, there are now 3 trailor homes there. I swear, it looks like the circus is coming and the carnes have all scouted out there plots ahead of time.
So I'm at home and we hear this yelling from down the hill. Guess who? Yup, it's the friendly, neighborhood, drunk hick. He was screaming his head off saying stuff like
"I don't have fancy alarms and sensors like those of you on this here hill *hic* but I got my own sensoryoryory...uh, sense thingy in my truck called a shotguns. And I'm stealing from you, hahahaaha, yeah, you guys up the hill (yes, he did say this like 5 times and that's us by the way) so all you peoples ain't gotta worry cause I'm *hiccup* uh, *hiccup* um, shotguns. Yeah, I gots em. Where's my remote? I don't know where my remote is. I'm just gonna take one've yours, hahaha*hic* Shotguns and remotes. YEEE*Hic*HAAAA!!!!"
He then got into his beatup yellow truck (without the camper shell!) and drove around on his own lawn in circles and then up a ravine and down a hill full of holes. I'm watching him while my grandma calls the cops. He hits a huge hole, truck stops, and he falls out the door. He then goes over to his toolshed (which is also his living room, bedroom, kitchen, and, knowing this guy, his bathroom) and grabs a weedwacker and starts using in on his lawn. Oh, and sometime while getting the weewacker, he lights up not one, but 2 cigarettes and smokes them at the same time. I guess he got tired cause he turned off the machine, flicked both cigarettes into a pile of dry, dead weeds (good move) and goes back to his trailor.
Cops never came, and he's back to yelling. Goodnight, all.
-Spork the Dork
Tuesday, July 1, 2003
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NO, THEY AREN'T ALL FROM TEXAS |
10:47 PM
You know, there are some things you don't expect to see during the course of a day. Maybe during the course of a week, or month. Then there are those things you just wish you didn't see.
Pretend you're me. I know, that's bad enough as it is. Ok, pretend you're me without the redneck. It's 8:45am and you drive down your driveway and see the beatnicks property that I really don't think they own. In front of the 2 (yes 2) trailor homes is the large unmarked mulicolor rusted van and the beat-up yellow truck with the white campershell. As you get closer, you see him. Or shall I say It? With his buzz cut, farmer's tan body that looks like he's wearing a white tanktop, no shirt, wearing overalls, and boots, he's staring longingly at his neighbor's garden. (See, technically, they don't live right next to me. They live down the hill from me. So I guess they aren't that bad because they aren't really stealing from neighbors....) I just sorta assumed that he like's flowers and try to get out of there without being noticed. Then he looks up. And his fly goes down. And the rest you can figure out. I stopped on the driveway. I seriously couldn't move, laugh, yell, anything. I'm shocked. Finally, I start moving and speed up hoping he'll notice a car and stop (or if I'm lucky, miss and hit his shoe.) He notices the blairing radio, stops, and walks inside his trailor. Did he zip the fly first? No.....
Until I get actual pictures, this will give you the basic idea of what I'm dealing with here.
Picture 1
Picture 2
-Spork the Dork
Monday, June 30, 2003
8:12 PM
So there I am at my neighbor's house in their pool. Actually, I don't think they technically count as my neighbor since it takes 6 minutes to drive to their house, but in Rainbow that's known as a close neighbor. Anywho, they're at the fair and said I could use it whenever I want this week. So I wake up early this morning, about 11:45am, and head over to their sweet oasis. I start to take the covering off this sweet pudding of serenity when the stupid pool cleaning lady walks in.
Now, this isn't just any pool cleaning lady, oh no sirree. This is the pool cleaning lady that time forgot....in a tube top....and short shorts.
So she walks in and I'm there in only my boardshorts, white light beaming off me like a lighthouse at midnight, leaning over the blue lagoon with half the pool uncovered, and she asks "Who are you?" Now, I freeze. I don't know why, but I felt like I had broken into these peoples' backyard to swim in their pool. But after about 3 min. of odd eye movements and holding back mini-pukes cause by this raisin in front of me, I save myself and tell her I'm housesitting. Whew, off the hook. But now I have to sit there while she cleans the pool and talks about how this isn't her real job. Oh no, how dare one assumes she cleans pools for a living. No, for an ACTUAL LIVING she sandblasts dirty pool tile. Good thing, cause I almost thought that her job sucked.
So, after half an hour of waiting and watching her clean this thing, she finally finishes and leaves. But not before getting my name and giving me a card so that she can clean my pool... So finally, I can get some relaxation. So I jump in the pool, mess around a bit, play with the noodles and rubber turtles and other junk before getting a little tired. I climb up on the floaty chair thingy and try and get some sleep.
Now, before I continue, you have to understand one thing. I've never, in my life, been stung by a bee. Never.
So I'm lieing there for about 40 min. when I feel a sharp sting underneath my massive muscle on my right arm. I remain cool and flail about wildly off this floater into the pool, splashing water everywhere. I come out of water and start looking about like a caveman thinking, "Who did that? What did that?" followed by "What the-- This hurts like a mother!" I look down and pull out this stinger that must've been 40 feet long! "Whoa, damn. So this is what a bee sting is like. Ok, cool." So I start to get back in the pool when I just suddenly freeze. And I panic.
"OH SHIT, I'VE NEVER BEEN STUNG BEFORE! WHAT IF I'M ALLERGIC! AAAHH, SHOTS! I NEED SHOTS! OK, I NEED TO SUCK OUT THE POISON, NO WAIT, THAT'S SNAKES! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
So, that's when my tranquility ended for the day. Oh, and since I'm writing this, I guess I'm not allergic.
Oh, and guess what? We have new neighbors!! Yeah, they moved into the trailer down the hill from me. It's been abandoned for 4 years. I bet they just moved in without buying it. And they are total hicks. And they've only been here 3 days and they've already begun stealing stuff off my property! And we can't do anything becuase we "don't have proof." YAY!!!! WELCOME TO RAINBOW!!!!!!!
-Spork the Dork
Friday, June 27, 2003
|
WHEN IT'S LATE, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IN MY HEAD |
12:02 AM
I received this e-mail in my inbox yesterday. No, I am not making this up.
Greetings,
We need a vendor who can offer immediate supply.
I'm offering $5,000 US dollars just for referring a vender which is (Actually RELIABLE in providing the below equipment). If they turn out to be reliable in supplying the below equipment I'll immediately pay you $5,000. We prefer to work with vendor in the Boston/New York area.
1. The mind warper generation 4 Dimensional Warp Generator # 52 4350a series wrist watch with z60 or better memory adapter. If in stock the AMD Dimensional Warp Generator module containing the GRC79 induction motor, two I80200 warp stabilizers, 256GB of SRAM, and two Analog Devices isolinear modules, This unit also has a menu driven GUI accessible on the front panel XID display. All in 1 units would be great if reliable models are available.
2. The special 23200 or Acme 5X24 series time transducing capacitor with built in temporal displacement. Needed with complete jumper/auxiliary system
3. A reliable crystal Ionizor with unlimited memory backup.
If your vendor turns out to be reliable, I owe you $5,000.
I am rarely speechless.
256 gigs of SRAM? That was all I needed to know that this was a scam. Anybody, and I mean ANYBODY, who is going to buy a Dimensional Warp Generator module with two I80200 warp stabilizers is going to get at least a terabyte of SRAM. Plus, if you need a GUI to use a dimensional warp generator, you may be in over your head. Way over your head.
Don't even get me started about the time Acme X524 series transducing capacitor. I mean, I sell those things and I wouldn't use one if my life depended on it.
The e-mail came from a Bahn.de address. I went to their website and they're--a travel agency. That makes sense. It looks like they're taking their summer vacation packages to a whole new level this year. Talk about kicking it up a notch.
Well, a business opportunity is a business opportunity, so I started to work. I strongly felt that the "Tony" mentioned in the e-mail address was not the real name of the correspondent.
I have a sense for these things.
I pored over the communication for clues. Barely six hours later, my keen powers of ductive reasoning (both in and de) had uncovered the true identity of the mysterious e-mailer.
I believe it was this fellow.
With the correspondent's identity firmly established, I responded immediately.
Dear Sir,
What a pleasure to receive your e-mail. I regret to inform you that we are no longer a distributor for the AMD line of Dimensional Warp Generator products. Frankly, the GUI was screwy. We do carry the 5X24 time transducing capacitor--unfortunately, it is now out of stock. As you know, the recent surge in the popularity of temporal displacement has made them as rare as Illudium Phosdex (the shaving cream atom, although I'm sure I don't have to tell you that!).
However, both the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator and the Disintegration Pistol are currently in stock. Please use coupon code X-2K-9 to receive 10% off our regular price.
Also please convey my regards to your commanding officer, General E.M.C. Squared. Best wishes in your continued efforts to conquer Planet X.
Your sincerely,
Kevin (My last name)
ACME Corporation
-Spork the Dork
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
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I DON'T MIND BEING A THIEF |
4:36 PM
Yeah, so I just read this on Jagr's site, but it's fitting to the moment.
Who does the crutch have to lean on?
-Spork the Dork
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
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LET'S PLAY ANNOY THE HELL OUTA ME, WHERE EVERYBODY'S A WINNER!! |
1:05 AM
As I sat down at 9:25 Sunday morning in a plush chair, having just finished a Costco hot dog for breakfast (after already eating Golden Crisp at home), I waited for The Hulk to start at 9:35 (ha, my theaters start early...on a Sunday...I am so lame...and I saw it with my mom, dad, and brother at this time) and I thought to myself: this certainly doesn't suck.
I also thought: This certainly ain't that great, either.
Sure, didn't suck as much as I expected. It was actually kinda good, but way too long. And it's like staring at Teletubbies and trying to convince yourself that they really ARE in a sunny meadow...and aren't flaming gay.
I did see some interesting things at the movie, as you always tend to do. I'm in line for my 3rd breakfast (Junior Mints, thank you), and I see this guy walking up with an enormous, empty tub of popcorn. It's 9:20 in the morning and he's coming back for a REFILL! I can only imagine that he was on the 10,000 calorie lunch diet or something.
I'd also like to thank the couple who brought both of their toddlers to the film and sat behind me. That was a fine choice. Thanks for disrupting the experience for the other hundred of us, and good luck with the years of therapy you'll be paying for in the future. I don't think I'd let a kid under ten get anywhere near that movie, and even with a ten year old I'd be a little hesitant.
It's a fierce, dark, experience.
Now on to something utterly ridiculous. The new Harry Potter book went on sale at midnight the other night, and most of the large bookstores were all open. That's just insane. You can buy the book nine hours later. I mean, get a life, people. What kind of total lamer would get in line for a book at midnight?
Well, one redeeming value. Finding Nemo was actually pretty good. And you know the weird fish? You know, the blue one? With almost no brain functionability? She seemed really blonde? Couldn't remember stuff and got distracted by shiny objects? Yeah, she reminded me of Kate.
G'Night. (love ya babe)
-Spork the Dork
Monday, June 23, 2003
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site done in notepad by Kevmaster Flex yeah, yeah. i know
i'm bragging that i know how to type |
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