‘Don’t pick your nose,’ Joy said angrily to her seven-year-old son, Stevie. As a single mother, her ex-husband wasn’t around to take care of him and she hadn’t been able to find day-care for him anywhere. So today, he had to go to work with her. Great, she thought. Nothing slows a detective down more than having her son needing to use the toilet every ten minutes.

Luckily, the crime in question wasn’t exactly dangerous. An upper-class gentleman named George who lived in Ripponlea Manor had called because someone had apparently stolen his jewellery.

‘You must be George,’ Joy assumed.

‘Not Boy George, just George,’ he replied.

Joy looked at him strangely. ‘Didn’t you call because your jewels were stolen?’

‘Um, yes,’ he smiled. ‘But, I found them. They were around my neck. Case closed, you can go now.’

Joy wasn’t happy. ‘Waste of time,’ she sighed.

Stevie pulled on her leg. ‘Mummy! I need to go to the toilet really bad!’

‘Since I’ve come all the way here, could my son use the toilet?’ Joy asked.

‘Just upstairs, on the left. Definitely not the right anyway. So don’t you be going into the bedroom, you hear?’ he told Stevie with a smile.

‘Okay, gay man!’ Stevie laughed and ran upstairs.

‘I’m really sorry about him,’ Joy apologised. ‘He’s been a brat lately.’

‘I’m not gay,’ he said softly.

She looked upstairs. ‘Stevie? Are you done?’ she called out.

‘I can’t find the toilet!’ he called back.

‘Oh, Christ!’ George screamed, and bolted upstairs. ‘You went to the bedroom, didn’t you!

Joy followed him into the bedroom, and was shocked by what she saw. Strapped to the wall was a fat, bald man wearing white lingerie! Blood poured out of his head.

‘Oh my god!’ Joy screamed. ‘Who is this? What’s going on?’

‘It’s…’ George said, fighting away tears, ‘my butler, Manners…’

Stevie laughed. ‘Mummy? Is the butler gay?’

‘He’s dead son, so shut up!’ she shouted. ‘I’m going to call the police!’

George turned his head away and covered his face in shame. ‘Oh no. They’re going to find out,’ he told himself.

Soon, two policemen were taking notes around the dead body. ‘Gay, are you, George?’ they asked him.

‘No!’ he screamed. ‘I’m not gay!’

‘Then explain why you’ve tied your butler to the wall in lingerie!’

‘I can’t handle this pressure! Leave me alone!’ he cried.

Joy came into the room with Stevie. ‘Any clues, officers?’

‘Well, we can tell you one thing for sure,’ they told her sternly. ‘It must have been the butler.’

‘What?’ she asked. ‘How could he have committed suicide, strapped to the wall?’

‘Missy, let us handle this, okay? The butler always does it. It’s common knowledge. Case closed.’

She frowned at them as they left the room.

‘Look what I found, mummy!’ Stevie called out. He was waving a silenced pistol in his hand.

‘Put that away son!’ she yelled. ‘Put it back where you found it, immediately!’

She gave a sigh and approached George, who was cowering in the corner of the room. ‘I couldn’t help but notice that you seem to be feeling guilty about something,’ she commented.

‘No!’ he shouted. ‘How dare you! Get out of my house!’

‘You killed the butler, didn’t you!’ she accused.

‘What? I would never kill him! I loved him! Like a man…’ he paused, ‘loves a cold beer at the pub,’ he finished, with a nervous grin. Before any more could be said, a knock was heard downstairs.

They followed George as he opened the door. A man wearing a pink frock, lipstick, nail polish and high heels was standing with his arms wide open. ‘Georgey, baby!’ he greeted. ‘Give your old boyfriend a big hug!’

Joy and Stevie both looked at George, whose face was red. ‘Do…I know you?’ he asked.

‘Of course you do!’ the man laughed. ‘It’s me, Rex! Remember the wild nights we spent together on the Caribbean two weeks ago?’

‘I don’t know him,’ George tried to assure Joy.

Stevie looked at Rex. ‘That guy is a faggot!’ he laughed, pointing.

‘I’m warning you Stevie, if you don’t shut your mouth I’m going to tear your bloody tongue out!’ Joy yelled, and hit him again on the bottom.

‘It’s okay, I’m gay and proud of it,’ Rex grinned. ‘I thought I’d stay for a few weeks with you, Georgey-boy, if that’s alright?’

‘Get out!’ George yelled. ‘I am not gay and I don’t know you!’

‘But I’ve got nowhere to go!’ Rex complained. ‘Two weeks ago you invited me over here! I come and you turn me away! I even sent a letter telling you I’d be coming!’

‘That’s insane!’ George yelled. ‘Get out!’

Joy gave a sigh. ‘Look, we’ll come back tomorrow. Rex, you can stay at my place if you want.’

‘Oh goody!’ Rex giggled. ‘Thanks a bunch!’

Stevie gave a little sigh and shook his head as Rex hopped in the car with him and his mother.

That night, Joy was engaged in a fascinating conversation with Rex. ‘He is in complete denial,’ he told her. ‘He’s gay. I know he received my letter, because he replied to it! Here is the letter, look for yourself!’ he said, taking a piece of paper from his pocket.

Joy read the letter and gasped. ‘To my darling Rex,’ she read. ‘No one must ever find out about the wonderful, wild nights we had. Not even my beloved butler. No one! Come if you must, but you can’t tell anyone we’re gay! Oh, and bring the cheddar.’ She paused. ‘Cheddar?’

‘Yes, that’s our recipe for fun!’ he laughed.

Joy was alarmed. Could that butler have found out about George’s secret? Only to be – killed? ‘Could you look after Stevie for me?’ she asked him. ‘I need to pay George a visit.’

‘Oh, sure!’ Rex chuckled. ‘It’ll be super!’

‘Be good, Stevie!’ Joy called out, and hopped into the car.

‘I will, mummsie!’ Stevie called back.

The policemen, led by Joy, arrived at Ripponlea Manor that night. They headed upstairs and kicked the door down. Joy found George in bed with an old Chinese man with a white beard. ‘Why, hello, George!’ she said sarcastically.

‘Joy! What are you…’ he stuttered. ‘It’s not what it looks like!’

‘Of course it isn’t,’ she snarled, circling the bed. ‘You’re never gay, are you? Every time someone thinks you are gay, you deny it! You’ll do anything to stop people from finding out!’

‘No! I’m not…’ he cried. The old man looked at him in amusement.

‘And when you slept with your butler, you killed him so no one would find out!’

‘Okay!’ yelled George from the top of his lungs. ‘I admit it! I am gay! But I didn’t kill Manners! I may have strapped him to the wall and made him wear lingerie, but I never killed him! Because we all know who really Manners.’

‘Who?’ Joy asked.

‘Your son!’ George declared. ‘Think about it. He was the only one in the room when we got there. It’s clear that he killed him.’

‘I think you’re nuts,’ Joy frowned, and walked out of the room. The police rushed in and handcuffed him. The naked Chinaman quickly climbed out of the window.

‘Rex,’ Joy shouted as she entered the house. ‘Are you there?’ She walked into Stevie’s bedroom, only to find it empty. She then entered the kitchen and screamed as she saw the dead body of Rex on the tiles.

Out of the shadows walked Stevie. ‘Hello, mummy!’ he smiled, with a gun in his hand.

‘Stevie! I thought I told you to leave that gun at the manor!’ she yelled.

‘Shut up, mum, or you’ll get what I gave Rex!’

‘You did this? You little brat!’ she roared.

‘Yes, it was I! I killed Rex, and Manners too!’ Stevie took a lollipop and began to suck it. ‘You see, I don’t like gay people. When I saw Manners, strapped to the wall wearing a bikini, I took a nearby gun and shot him! Then, I found a letter in his mouth. It said that George and Rex were gay! When you were gone, I killed Rex too! All I need now is to kill George and my killing spree will be done!’

‘What does it matter if they’re gay?’ Joy asked, giving him a stern look.

‘Because I hate gay people,’ Stevie sighed. ‘Ever since I was born I have hated them. I learned a lot of things from watching the teletubbies, and one of them is that gay people are evil!’

‘What are you talking about, you little brat?’ she asked him. ‘One of the teletubbies is gay! It teaches you to tolerate gay people, not kill them!’

‘What?" asked Stevie, in shock.

‘It wasn’t against homosexuality, it was for it!’

Stevie cried. ‘But, I didn’t know mum! I didn’t know!’

‘I think you owe some people an apology, Stevie,’ Joy frowned. ‘Come on, off to the police station.’

‘I’m sorry I killed Manners and Rex, George,’ Stevie apologised.

‘Sorry isn’t good enough!’ George yelled as he was released from prison.

‘Yes it is!’ the chief laughed. ‘Little Stevie, I don’t know how to thank you. Our police station has never laughed so much. The whole incident has been a laugh a minute!’

‘I know how you can thank me!’ Stevie smiled. ‘You can give me a million dollars!’

The policemen all roared with laughter. ‘Oh, Stevie! You’re a classic!’

Joy shook her head and pushed Stevie out of the door. ‘You are grounded, buddy.’

‘But mum! I said I’m sorry!’ he whined.

Joy smacked him on the bottom, put him in the car and drove home.