Hello reader, thank you for opening this 'book'. I cannot say if you will enjoy
reading what I have to write, because it isn't a normal book, it isn't normal
art and I don't know why it should be... My intention is not to create
something new and even more abstract in the world of art, I am aware of the
currently used formats. I am trying to show you exactly what I feel.

Texts, poems, sounds, images, whatever. It's just too attached to being itself
I cannot reproduce the feelings I want trough these. You see, I think; I think
a lot about things, about how people interact and how their minds understand
what they recieve... What I would like you to do is relax and concentrate on
the words I use. Try to imagine situations trough those words. Your abbility
to imagine situations is the key to correctly understanding what I write. The
point of this writing is to give you the experiences...

My memory is not perfect, when I look back, there is information
missing. Holes in my memory and yet I know exaclty what I experienced. I know
how to use that.

It is in my memory that I once forgot how to hold forks in my hands. It is in
my memory that this computer had disk problems. But it is not in my memory
that I learned how to type when I was 6, somebody told me that. And it is not
in my memory that the first computer I used, had a green 1-line display, that
is a constructed memory.

I remeber I dislike my brain constructing memories, but then again, without
the reconstruction I have nothing of the memories. It happened that my brain
miss-constructed memories. I don't remember it happening again, maybe my brain
has learned. Maybe. Or maybe not.

I remember things that I can't remember because it isn't possible. I know this
must be a constructed memory. Is it usefull? Who knows, it is perfectly
logical, it might as well be true, but then again it could be false. Do I have
psychic powers? No, it's just a reconstruction. Or maybe... Possible.

A while ago I was sent to walking relatively long distances. In the begining
I knew I couldn't make it. It simply wasn't possible. Walking, walking...

They say a journey of a thousand miles, must begin with a single step. Could
as well be true, in it's hidden meaning. Every distance can be broken down
into simple steps. I know making a step is not hard, but eventualy, I will get
tired and my brain will begin blocking my will to walk on. I am eventualy
going to be disconnected, I do not want that to happen. Walking on...

I see lot's of chalenges in front of me, I do not like that. I will need to
pass them all and still keep walking for a long, long while. When I pass each,
I am tired, but I need to keep walking.

The effects are starting to show. Pain. I block the pain. Block pain. Block
pain, there is a long way to walk in front of me. How will I live trough this?

I can see it every moment, now I am going to stop, be blocked out. Oxygen
levels are dropping. I breathe deeper, but my loungs just feel too small. The
air is fresh and cold, feels good.

All of the sudden I feel I am moving away from the team I was following. I
boost my efforts, but I am still moving away, slowly. My energy levels must be
dropping. I'm really in for stopping now, I have no more energy, I am moving
too slow. Come on, just a cupple of meters more and we're at our first stop.
No way, no more energy, I'm stopping... Slowly.

A friend comes by and lends a packet of energy. Thanks, good friend. I really
got lucky now. The immediate palcebo effect boosts my abbilities and I can now
remember I have a packet of energy in my backpack too. I share it with my
friend. I do not ask myself why was I unable to remember that before. I simply
don't.

The stop worked well, I had energy reserves for all of the jurney to the next
stop and over. I do not need to worry about energy now and fresh oxygen is all
around me anyway.

But the journey dosen't want to stop. I don't see anything telling me it's
going to end at all. I have a long plain road in front of me and my whole body
is in pain from constant walking. This is too much, I have got to do something
about it. But what? Now, here in the middle of the journey? Who would
understand? They're in control, we can't complain, we simply have to walk. No
choice, have to keep walking.

I was right, I was blocked out. But not violently, I blocked out myself.

There are changes in this world. The world has been changing all the time.
Sometimes, correct decisions were made, sometimes wrong ones. Now they are
making wrong decisions and they don't allow anyone to fix that.

No, this is not fair. No, why do they speak in lies? Why do they sheed guilt
only on the ones they want?

Why am I waiting, who will hear my thoughts? I have to do something. I ask.
Why take my truth? Why would they be guilty? Of course. Why of only one?
Democracy, my friend. No. Why not? I talked. I got friends. We were ignored.

No, this is not right, it has to STOP! Lightning strike. It could as well have
been in another moment, but it was now. 6000 people dead. We can't raise the
dead can we? Why don't you stop now? No, never, not now. Now they have to kill
another 6000 to make it right. The world protested. No way, that would be
stupid. Then they come up with their latest trick: Not only 6000, 6000 + 8!!!
A worthy cause! Well excuse me, I do have respect for life, but... 8? We were
ignored once again.

There are people on this world, who will kill you and that feels right for
them, we'll have to live with that. But then again, there are people on this
world, who will want to force their understanding of correct to everybody,
we'll have to live with that too.

So we live in a world where we have to live with eachother and there is not a
thing we can do about it, all we have to understand is that the world will
have to live with us!

I think a lot, sometimes too much. Sometimes I think for others. But
still most of the times I think for nobody... Only I benerfit from the
thinking.

Perhaps somebody could use the info... That's why these texts are for.

I was thinking lately of animals. They are all considered inferior.
Why? At first I would say "Don't ask me, ask the ones that do so!" but
I know there is a reason to it. Most animals that come in communication
with humans act inferior in order to ease that communication.

Here is one point: Humans too are animals. One small detail, that is so
much more than just a biological defenition. We look at animals the way
we do, because they are diffirent. Hey there, I too am diffirent.
Notice the detail that my life quality greately improoved when I
decided I should behave like an inferior, like everybody's pet?

So here it comes. The truth, things are finnaly comming togather. It
was surely a shock to me, when my parents said it in my face, that dogs
are often a replacement for children, when there is a lack of resuorces
for such. But now I see, that we are all the same. The only thing we
have to give is our cuteness and that is exaclty what parents are
looking for.

I too love children and most others love pets at least. It seems we all
are looking for cuteness. If I provide that cuteness to my friends, I
will surely get something in return... The cuteness itself for example.
You can be sure it'll be appreciated!
 

Imagination offers a nice snack for everybody looking for cuteness...
You can imagine various images, sounds, feelings.. Exactly all the
attributes of cuteness. And after all, it's your world, have a piece of
it!

Imagine now, imagine: A young fox with nice red fur. It's standing
verticaly with it's head horizontaly. It's a little fatty, in the
aspect of a fox fattened the way humans usualy fatten (focus on the
face). It's body is wraped in a soft clothing making it look detailless
and a little rounder. It's a kind of body sensible to touch near the
heart. Now focus on the foxy's eyes, they are dark brown and deep
inside them, you can see a person, one of your friends (pick one)...
It's him/her, the fox... He/she is looking at you with those cute,
inferior little eyes... He/she is ok, but in the foxy's body, with all
those animal instincts... Limited...

How does this feel? What would you do with that cute little foxy? And
what would you do with your dog? The diffirences are close to zero.

And as you think of it, you notice that the person might be trapped
inside the fox... Well let me tell you one thing, I'm a person
'trapped' in a human body and I have lots, lots of animal instincts.
They give me cuteness and that is what I am trying to give you...
That's me, the fox...

While thinking, I once noticed that my abbilities aren't the same; a
part of my memory must have gone missing again, I am not exactly the
same person as I was before, could as well be considered less
inteligent.

It was getting hard for me to function normaly, people expect the
best or at least the same from you all the time, thus something like
this is very nasty to happen.

"What is happening to me?" I ask myself trying to pull myself out of
the sh*t I'm litterately dissapearing in. I could have blamed the
transformation on one of those mental experiments I was preforming,
but it was probably just another unlucky situation for my brain,
nothing I could do a thing about.

A warm feeling in my heart reminds me that I'm transforming into
something inferior (see part 5). How would I appreciate a friend
helping me out of trouble then...

That's when I notice a song saying:
"But I won't cry for yesterday
there's an ordinary world
somehow I have to find

And as I try to make my way
to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive"
(Ought' to be copyrighted by somebody I don't know)

Yes, that's it! How did they know? No need for me to feel sorry of
myself, crashing down to -20 IQ, I have to try to survive in the new
environment I was given and while I try, I will get experience on
it, in case it happens again sometime.

When I look back to that moment, I see it as a test of some kind,
that I've successfully passed. I would sure like to pass this
experience on to my friends, who still suffer 'down there'.

Later that time, my memory capacities have began to make their way
back and there were quite a few moments when I suddenly discovered a
grand explanation of how something works and later found that it was
perfectly normal for me to know that.

This experience made me so aware of the fact that a subintelligent
whatever is still the same *person* as an average or overintelligent
whatever. Think about that when you see your dog next time...

Last updated: 21.2.2002

More yet to come, but obviously no more if the date you see above is, say, 10 years ago.

The contens of this 'book' describes my view of the world, you may enjoy it or not, you might as well think it's all utter bullshit. However the situation, the point of these texts being published is to let people make use of my experiences. I myself have doubts to that end, but you never know... =]

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Copyright by Jure Sah (C) 2002. All rights reserved.